The long, dark night
Posted: Thu May 10, 2018 4:59 pm
My therapist suggested writing my story. It's been super helpful so far.
The writing I did today turned out to be an essay in the middle of the narrative. I thought some of you might be interested.
The long, dark night refers to depression, that terrible disease that, when it strikes religious folks, often makes them feel as if they're cut off from God. The idea of the "thick darkness where God is" comes from Exodus 20:21.
*****
Some people experience a long, dark night of the soul. Mother Teresa famously spent more than the last 50 years of her life feeling no contact with the divine. Among religious people, the possibility of this happening is frightening. It’s often explained as a test, or as a chance to prove their faith.
I think this idea is bullshit. It’s motivated by need, not truth. To see this, you don’t need to look beyond the fact that each of the thousands of religions in the world define passing the test in terms of sticking to that religion.
But let’s take a look at the needs that motivate the idea anyway.
Suppose the idea is put forward by someone who has never experienced the long, dark night of the soul. They’re almost certainly saying it to maintain their conviction that God is accessible, compassionate, and above all exists. This conviction so easily falters in the face of the terrible night.
Mormons in particular are heavily invested in the idea that God always answers prayers, at least to provide comfort, if one meets the preconditions and is patient. So if you’ve met the preconditions, then maybe... maybe you just need to wait a little longer. God must be testing you. Don’t fail your test, bro. I’ll feel better watching you struggle if you struggle in a way that validates me. Maintain my faith for me, okay? Thanks.
Suppose the idea is put forward by someone who is currently in that awful night. This is how they maintain hope that their hopelessness means something, and that it might end.
Suppose the idea is put forward by someone who has been through it. I think this is somewhat unlikely, because they know for themselves that “God is testing you” so often comes across as flippant and dismissive to those in the thick darkness. But if they do put the idea of an extended trial of faith forward, it’s only because that’s how they justify having had their own dark night.
What if the long, dark night is a test of character? Sure, it’s possible. But does it really have to have an objective purpose? And if so, why a test?
Even if I can’t say that my long, dark nights had an objective purpose, I can tell you their effects. The third time I emerged, I was unable to believe the truth claims of any religion at all. However, I was determined to follow Jesus, and anyone or anything else I decided for myself demonstrates a spark of the divine. I emerged from that long, dark night with the Mormonism torn away. In its place, I sewed in a faith more tangible, flexible, understanding and accepting.
Do you have a religion? Suppose that I’m a member of it, and that your religion was torn away from me instead of Mormonism. Did I fail the test of the long, dark night? Am I a second-class member of your religion now? Am I someone to be pitied, fixed or feared? If so, I want as little to do with your religion’s rigid, self-centered, judgmental, needy god as possible.
If the long, dark night of the soul must have an objective purpose, maybe it would be best to not speculate. Maybe, if God really is out there in the thick darkness, we should let him teach whatever lessons he wants to teach, or make whatever changes he wants to make, and then accept the results. If God waits for some of us in the night, maybe we should assume that he understands what he's doing better than we do.
The writing I did today turned out to be an essay in the middle of the narrative. I thought some of you might be interested.
The long, dark night refers to depression, that terrible disease that, when it strikes religious folks, often makes them feel as if they're cut off from God. The idea of the "thick darkness where God is" comes from Exodus 20:21.
*****
Some people experience a long, dark night of the soul. Mother Teresa famously spent more than the last 50 years of her life feeling no contact with the divine. Among religious people, the possibility of this happening is frightening. It’s often explained as a test, or as a chance to prove their faith.
I think this idea is bullshit. It’s motivated by need, not truth. To see this, you don’t need to look beyond the fact that each of the thousands of religions in the world define passing the test in terms of sticking to that religion.
But let’s take a look at the needs that motivate the idea anyway.
Suppose the idea is put forward by someone who has never experienced the long, dark night of the soul. They’re almost certainly saying it to maintain their conviction that God is accessible, compassionate, and above all exists. This conviction so easily falters in the face of the terrible night.
Mormons in particular are heavily invested in the idea that God always answers prayers, at least to provide comfort, if one meets the preconditions and is patient. So if you’ve met the preconditions, then maybe... maybe you just need to wait a little longer. God must be testing you. Don’t fail your test, bro. I’ll feel better watching you struggle if you struggle in a way that validates me. Maintain my faith for me, okay? Thanks.
Suppose the idea is put forward by someone who is currently in that awful night. This is how they maintain hope that their hopelessness means something, and that it might end.
Suppose the idea is put forward by someone who has been through it. I think this is somewhat unlikely, because they know for themselves that “God is testing you” so often comes across as flippant and dismissive to those in the thick darkness. But if they do put the idea of an extended trial of faith forward, it’s only because that’s how they justify having had their own dark night.
What if the long, dark night is a test of character? Sure, it’s possible. But does it really have to have an objective purpose? And if so, why a test?
Even if I can’t say that my long, dark nights had an objective purpose, I can tell you their effects. The third time I emerged, I was unable to believe the truth claims of any religion at all. However, I was determined to follow Jesus, and anyone or anything else I decided for myself demonstrates a spark of the divine. I emerged from that long, dark night with the Mormonism torn away. In its place, I sewed in a faith more tangible, flexible, understanding and accepting.
Do you have a religion? Suppose that I’m a member of it, and that your religion was torn away from me instead of Mormonism. Did I fail the test of the long, dark night? Am I a second-class member of your religion now? Am I someone to be pitied, fixed or feared? If so, I want as little to do with your religion’s rigid, self-centered, judgmental, needy god as possible.
If the long, dark night of the soul must have an objective purpose, maybe it would be best to not speculate. Maybe, if God really is out there in the thick darkness, we should let him teach whatever lessons he wants to teach, or make whatever changes he wants to make, and then accept the results. If God waits for some of us in the night, maybe we should assume that he understands what he's doing better than we do.
Thanks for sharing.