Seeking an Outlet / Support
Posted: Tue Feb 07, 2017 2:00 am
Hi Everyone,
I am brand new to this website and forum, just wanted to say hello. A bit about where I am now in my "transition." I'm just starting out. I was baptized in 2014 after having missionaries come off and on for about 2 years. My husband is a member, though not active currently. He still believes in the church for the most part, but is not really comfortable talking to me about the specifics of what he believes / doesn't agree with despite my attempts to engage him. Hence why I came here! It's hard, and I've considered seeking counseling just to have someone to talk to about what I'm going through. My husband and I have also discussed seeking counseling together. Most of our friends are members and my husband has family up here who are also LDS. I've grown a deep appreciation of what it means to truly be alone and not to have anyone to open up to over the past year--not necessarily a bad thing.
I have always questioned certain things in the church--I've always considered myself someone who believes men and woman are equal and no one has been inherently given power over anyone else. I believe no one has the right to tell homosexuals they can't marry, I'm a very open-minded person and try to embrace everyone no matter his / her background / history / past. I've never related to typical gender roles presented as the "ideal" in the church and from the beginning felt I didn't belong. I've attended many social gatherings where the men and women were separated for some reason and I usually ended up feeling like I wanted to hide in a closet. I've never been someone interested in having kids. Over time, I've warmed up to the idea and I do enjoy kids, I'm just not the typical "mommy" type of woman. I have always been more interested in career, I like sports and being physically active--things that are sometimes thought of as more typically "male" or "masculine." Anyway, a lot of who I am and what I'm interested in does not mesh with the typical model of what a mormon woman looks like in the church. I thought maybe I could pave my own way.
Fast forward to last December--my husband and I had taken "temple prep" classes which felt really vague and I left feeling more confused than enlightened. I felt a bit pressured / coaxed into getting sealed. I couldn't say that I ever really had a desire to do it, it just seemed like something that had to be done in order for me to somehow progress. That day was a whirlwind and whenever I think of the place we were sealed I get a sick feeling in my stomach. Directly after our sealing we went to lunch with everyone who came--my husband's family. After that we did a few other things. We didn't get back to our hotel until later that evening. I remember lying in bed, turning away from my husband and just crying my eyes out, trying to stay quiet. He eventually caught on and I let him know that I felt misled, tricked and like I was forced into making a "covenant" that I did not agree with. He didn't understand. I haven't been back since then and don't plan on going back. That was the day that I realized I'd been fed false information, that church ceremonies / the temple ceremony / the lds church was created by people. Well-intentioned people, no doubt, but still just people like you and me.
That's where I am now. Still figuring out a few things. I feel like my beliefs are continually shifting as I learn more and explore. I'm glad to have this space to read others' stories and have open discussion. Thanks for reading.
I am brand new to this website and forum, just wanted to say hello. A bit about where I am now in my "transition." I'm just starting out. I was baptized in 2014 after having missionaries come off and on for about 2 years. My husband is a member, though not active currently. He still believes in the church for the most part, but is not really comfortable talking to me about the specifics of what he believes / doesn't agree with despite my attempts to engage him. Hence why I came here! It's hard, and I've considered seeking counseling just to have someone to talk to about what I'm going through. My husband and I have also discussed seeking counseling together. Most of our friends are members and my husband has family up here who are also LDS. I've grown a deep appreciation of what it means to truly be alone and not to have anyone to open up to over the past year--not necessarily a bad thing.
I have always questioned certain things in the church--I've always considered myself someone who believes men and woman are equal and no one has been inherently given power over anyone else. I believe no one has the right to tell homosexuals they can't marry, I'm a very open-minded person and try to embrace everyone no matter his / her background / history / past. I've never related to typical gender roles presented as the "ideal" in the church and from the beginning felt I didn't belong. I've attended many social gatherings where the men and women were separated for some reason and I usually ended up feeling like I wanted to hide in a closet. I've never been someone interested in having kids. Over time, I've warmed up to the idea and I do enjoy kids, I'm just not the typical "mommy" type of woman. I have always been more interested in career, I like sports and being physically active--things that are sometimes thought of as more typically "male" or "masculine." Anyway, a lot of who I am and what I'm interested in does not mesh with the typical model of what a mormon woman looks like in the church. I thought maybe I could pave my own way.
Fast forward to last December--my husband and I had taken "temple prep" classes which felt really vague and I left feeling more confused than enlightened. I felt a bit pressured / coaxed into getting sealed. I couldn't say that I ever really had a desire to do it, it just seemed like something that had to be done in order for me to somehow progress. That day was a whirlwind and whenever I think of the place we were sealed I get a sick feeling in my stomach. Directly after our sealing we went to lunch with everyone who came--my husband's family. After that we did a few other things. We didn't get back to our hotel until later that evening. I remember lying in bed, turning away from my husband and just crying my eyes out, trying to stay quiet. He eventually caught on and I let him know that I felt misled, tricked and like I was forced into making a "covenant" that I did not agree with. He didn't understand. I haven't been back since then and don't plan on going back. That was the day that I realized I'd been fed false information, that church ceremonies / the temple ceremony / the lds church was created by people. Well-intentioned people, no doubt, but still just people like you and me.
That's where I am now. Still figuring out a few things. I feel like my beliefs are continually shifting as I learn more and explore. I'm glad to have this space to read others' stories and have open discussion. Thanks for reading.