NOM

Fair warning - this is LDS living, it's rather short?

http://www.ldsliving.com/Why-Did-Nephi- ... ial_button

So many problems with this.
Nephi kills Laban just to teach us a lesson?

Jesus kills Satan because .... that's what Jesus does?

I'm not going to click on that bait.

Of course it was allegorical! It's allegorical because Nephi and Laban didn't physically exist. They are not real dudes who lived and breathed and bleeped their wives in the wilderness on the way to some new world with gold plates in tow. Nephi didn't cut off Laban's head and place Laban's bloodless clothes on his body and fool people in order that a future nation of inbred Nephites and Lamanites in an unknown land wouldn't perish.

If Laban actually physically existed, then Joseph Smith owes him big time because without Laban losing his head, Joseph Smith ain't getting any mormon sex and lovin from the wives and 14 year old children of his congregation members!

Laban died so that Joseph Smith could get laid! That's the true allegorical message!

It is much more than an historical account; it is also an allegory—a symbolic story featuring the following characters:

Nephi, representing Jesus Christ
Laban, representing Satan
Zoram, representing each of us

OK, so Christ is going to cut Satan's head off and steal his stuff and then we are going to follow him out into the wilderness and marry one of his sisters? Oh, OK, I get it, Christ is going to symbolically cut Satan's head off and steal his stuff and then we are symbolically going to follow him out into the wilderness and marry one of his sisters. Actually, that doesn't make any sense either.

A Jewish convert to the church shared some things about the Book of Mormon and how Hebrews look at things. The account of Nephi and Laban is actually something that establishes the BOM as a Hebrew book.

An example of how it can be reeeeaaaallly difficult to read things TBMs say.

With a shift of focus I have discovered a few answers to a question that really matters: What does this story teach me about the Savior?

How about: "By doing mental gymnastics I still figured out a way around this troublesome bit of scriptural conundrum and made it work for me, allowing me to hang on to the rod of iron and not get lost in the mists of darkness."

I'm sorry your rod is so rusty you had to do all those gymnastics to polish it off. Oh wait, that actually referred to as mental masterb...never mind.

Korihor wrote: ↑Thu Jan 26, 2017 10:28 amSo many problems with this.
Nephi kills Laban just to teach us a lesson?

Jesus kills Satan because .... that's what Jesus does?

I'm glad they cleared that up. Because it sounded like some teenage kid ritually killed a drunk civic leader, stole his clothes, stole a precious religious artifact, and kidnapped a servant under threat of death. Those circumstances would have been morally, legally, and ethically problematic. But the author of this article is confident that Jesus would gladly shank Satan given the chance. it must be an OK story for teenagers to salve their conscience when faced with morally dubious choices like "marrying a much older religious leader" or "spending two years and your own money as an unpaid salesman for a wealthy real estate and publishing conglomerate".

Not Buying It wrote: ↑Thu Jan 26, 2017 11:03 am

It is much more than an historical account; it is also an allegory—a symbolic story featuring the following characters:

Nephi, representing Jesus Christ
Laban, representing Satan
Zoram, representing each of us

OK, so Christ is going to cut Satan's head off and steal his stuff and then we are going to follow him out into the wilderness and marry one of his sisters? Oh, OK, I get it, Christ is going to symbolically cut Satan's head off and steal his stuff and then we are symbolically going to follow him out into the wilderness and marry one of his sisters. Actually, that doesn't make any sense either.

Wait, my bad, Zoram married Ishmael's oldest daughter, not one of Nephi's sisters. Goes to show how long it has been since I read 1st Nephi. It's really about as important as remembering that Sam married Rosie at the end of the Lord of the Rings.

Had this not been allegorical, King Zedekiah would have issued a bounty on Nephi and sent the Zion Rangers after this band of outlaws escaping justice with their blood stained loot.

It's really about as important as remembering that Sam married Rosie at the end of the Lord of the Rings.

Rosie was hot!

The humor is appreciated......

The strangest, and a bit embarrassing thing is that during my TBM life which was most of it (sigh) I believed everything that happened in the scriptures was literal. I always wondered how Nephi cut off Laban's head and used the clothing without looking like a butcher with blood all over the place. Chalked it all up to "nothing is impossible for the lord."

I'm not sure I knew what allegorical meant as far as LD scripture was concerned...... Laban's death was just another thing that I didn't think about.

Things seem much better when we realize Nephi did it the same way superman jumps tall buildings in a single bound.

No Tof wrote: ↑Fri Jan 27, 2017 1:19 pm The humor is appreciated......

The strangest, and a bit embarrassing thing is that during my TBM life which was most of it (sigh) I believed everything that happened in the scriptures was literal. I always wondered how Nephi cut off Laban's head and used the clothing without looking like a butcher with blood all over the place. Chalked it all up to "nothing is impossible for the lord."

I'm not sure I knew what allegorical meant as far as LD scripture was concerned...... Laban's death was just another thing that I didn't think about.

Things seem much better when we realize Nephi did it the same way superman jumps tall buildings in a single bound.

I wondered about this as well. I grew up on a farm where we raised chickens, and when my dad would chop off their heads they would flutter around before they became still. When I first read the story about Nephi and Laban I thought, "Wow, Laban's armor would have been all bloody and gross, how could Nephi pull off the charade?. Later I reasoned, "Well, Laban was drunk so maybe he didn't flutter and twitch like the chickens did."

No Tof wrote: ↑Fri Jan 27, 2017 1:19 pm The humor is appreciated......

The strangest, and a bit embarrassing thing is that during my TBM life which was most of it (sigh) I believed everything that happened in the scriptures was literal. I always wondered how Nephi cut off Laban's head and used the clothing without looking like a butcher with blood all over the place.

Apologist hat on - this one is easy. Nephi found Laban drunk. He disarmed and dis-clothed Laban and then cut his head off. No blood on clothes.

Korihor wrote: ↑Fri Jan 27, 2017 10:43 pm Nephi found Laban drunk. He disarmed and dis-clothed Laban and then cut his head off. No blood on clothes.

So you're saying this disrobing was non-consensual, before the homicide, in a pre-meditated manner to avoid blood splatter evidence?

Korihor wrote: ↑Fri Jan 27, 2017 10:43 pm

No Tof wrote: ↑Fri Jan 27, 2017 1:19 pm The humor is appreciated......

The strangest, and a bit embarrassing thing is that during my TBM life which was most of it (sigh) I believed everything that happened in the scriptures was literal. I always wondered how Nephi cut off Laban's head and used the clothing without looking like a butcher with blood all over the place.

Apologist hat on - this one is easy. Nephi found Laban drunk. He disarmed and dis-clothed Laban and then cut his head off. No blood on clothes.

This makes the whole situation sound worse. Thinking about the obvious point of view of city officials in Jerusalem make this whole story sound far more crazy than it already was, like it was an episode of "Dexter" set in Jerusalem. The police call in a coroner and Dexter, the blood splatter expert, quickly determines that the killer disrobed the victim before beheading him. They are going to run a tox screen on the body and probably check the, uh, "other orifices" for "foreign organic substances". This looks like a twisted sexual assault where the victim was drugged before disrobing him. The police also quickly determine that it's Laban, a local civic leader and keeper of the sacred brass plates!

The detectives assigned to this high profile case start questioning Laban's household. Not only are the priceless brass plates gone, but Zoram, Laban's longtime servant is curiously missing. A group of men did visit Laban's house earlier the night before and guards confirmed that they were seeking the brass plates before Laban angrily sent them away. Now it's conspiracy for felony theft and Zoram becomes the chief suspect in connection with the possible sexual assault and murder of an important public official.

Corsair wrote: ↑Fri Jan 27, 2017 11:28 pm

Korihor wrote: ↑Fri Jan 27, 2017 10:43 pm

No Tof wrote: ↑Fri Jan 27, 2017 1:19 pm The humor is appreciated......

The strangest, and a bit embarrassing thing is that during my TBM life which was most of it (sigh) I believed everything that happened in the scriptures was literal. I always wondered how Nephi cut off Laban's head and used the clothing without looking like a butcher with blood all over the place.

Apologist hat on - this one is easy. Nephi found Laban drunk. He disarmed and dis-clothed Laban and then cut his head off. No blood on clothes.

This makes the whole situation sound worse.

Things usually do sound worse after the apologists have a go.

moksha wrote: ↑Fri Jan 27, 2017 11:28 pm

Korihor wrote: ↑Fri Jan 27, 2017 10:43 pm Nephi found Laban drunk. He disarmed and dis-clothed Laban and then cut his head off. No blood on clothes.

So you're saying this disrobing was non-consensual, before the homicide, in a pre-meditated manner to avoid blood splatter evidence?

I didn't say nephi took off his underwear, just his outer clothes. No need to swap under britches, you're misrepresenting me

Korihor wrote: ↑Sat Jan 28, 2017 11:16 pm

moksha wrote: ↑Fri Jan 27, 2017 11:28 pm

Korihor wrote: ↑Fri Jan 27, 2017 10:43 pm Nephi found Laban drunk. He disarmed and dis-clothed Laban and then cut his head off. No blood on clothes.

So you're saying this disrobing was non-consensual, before the homicide, in a pre-meditated manner to avoid blood splatter evidence?

I didn't say nephi took off his underwear, just his outer clothes. No need to swap under britches, you're misrepresenting me

He couldn't take his underwear off because he is required to wear them day and night, and especially during murders.

I've been off grid for a week. I come back on and this thread was the first thing I read. Oh, man. I am laughing my guts out (being careful not to soil my armour). Which is ok because like Nephi, I don't go anywhere without my cannonball ointment (see Brian Regan: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B-vKVVcw274). It's the only plausible explanation as to why Laban respectfully didn't get blood all over himself. I think it details this in the 116 pages of the lost manuscript. I think I read about it in the CES letter. Went like this:

NEPHI: "Hey. Drunk person. Wanna put some of this ointment on yer neck? Oops . . . missed a spot. Works better if you are lying face down on the ground when you apply it."
LABAN: "K. Will you hold my sword?"
NEPHI: "K."

I can't believe I actually thought this story was real once upon a very bad time ago. And how about the one about Holy Shiz getting his head lopped off, doing a set of push-ups, signing a few checks, and then cashing out.

Wow. Allegory - emphasis on the 'gory'. Scriptures are full of stories on the 'gory of God' which, incidentally have always been my favourite stories. Great post!