My Big Plan for Eternity
Posted: Thu Jul 04, 2024 6:30 am
This is a spin-off of Deacon's second class citizen thread.
According to LDS leaders: I will not make it to the CK due to coffee drinking, insufficient tithing payment, and lackluster meeting attendance. Joseph Smith purportedly said the Telestial Kingdom is so wonderful that you would, if given a glimpse of it, commit suicide to get there. Having never murdered, raped, burglarized, defrauded, etc, I figure I might even be Terrestrial Kingdom material. My wife, of course, will be taken from me and given to another so she can pump out unlimited babies for him. The most celestial-kingdom-likely guy I know is Melvin, two blocks over. So I'll just imagine that Melvin will get my wife.
If the lesser kingdoms are so great, I figure they are at least as good as what we have right now. With sufficient time, tools and raw materials I will build a starship. I imagine I could do a pretty good job in the time it takes Melvin to create and populate a bunch of planets, especially with the help of talented and intelligent friends like you.
Then, I am going to Ancient Aliens the hell out of Melvin's planets.
Assuming he follows the rules (lest he "cease to be God," Alma 42:13), Melvin will not be able to make his presence obvious. But I don't have to follow those rules. I'll go to Melvin's planets and carve my face on the biggest mountain peaks. I'll build massive pyramids with my name on them and mile-high statues of myself. I will visit all the kings of Melvin's worlds and give them whatever they want if they make their subjects make offerings to me. I'm thinking pizza, but I will let them eat it, rather than just burn it up. I will appear in the sky 1000 times the size of Melvin and perform great miracles for millions of spectators. I will bless them with medicine and Skittles from heaven for just making it through the day, rather than curse them for not kissing my ass day and night.
Meanwhile, Melvin will be trying to get some poor uneducated farm boy to see writing on a rock in a hat, that tells them to feel bad about feeling good.
And my wonderful wife, number 187 in Melvin's harem, will be very entertained by my shenanigans. She might even walk away and take her celestial ovaries with her.
According to LDS leaders: I will not make it to the CK due to coffee drinking, insufficient tithing payment, and lackluster meeting attendance. Joseph Smith purportedly said the Telestial Kingdom is so wonderful that you would, if given a glimpse of it, commit suicide to get there. Having never murdered, raped, burglarized, defrauded, etc, I figure I might even be Terrestrial Kingdom material. My wife, of course, will be taken from me and given to another so she can pump out unlimited babies for him. The most celestial-kingdom-likely guy I know is Melvin, two blocks over. So I'll just imagine that Melvin will get my wife.
If the lesser kingdoms are so great, I figure they are at least as good as what we have right now. With sufficient time, tools and raw materials I will build a starship. I imagine I could do a pretty good job in the time it takes Melvin to create and populate a bunch of planets, especially with the help of talented and intelligent friends like you.
Then, I am going to Ancient Aliens the hell out of Melvin's planets.
Assuming he follows the rules (lest he "cease to be God," Alma 42:13), Melvin will not be able to make his presence obvious. But I don't have to follow those rules. I'll go to Melvin's planets and carve my face on the biggest mountain peaks. I'll build massive pyramids with my name on them and mile-high statues of myself. I will visit all the kings of Melvin's worlds and give them whatever they want if they make their subjects make offerings to me. I'm thinking pizza, but I will let them eat it, rather than just burn it up. I will appear in the sky 1000 times the size of Melvin and perform great miracles for millions of spectators. I will bless them with medicine and Skittles from heaven for just making it through the day, rather than curse them for not kissing my ass day and night.
Meanwhile, Melvin will be trying to get some poor uneducated farm boy to see writing on a rock in a hat, that tells them to feel bad about feeling good.
And my wonderful wife, number 187 in Melvin's harem, will be very entertained by my shenanigans. She might even walk away and take her celestial ovaries with her.
