NOM

I was thinking today about how the way that the Church teaches youth about marriage causes problems in a lot of LDS marriages. Think about it - what are youth told to look for in a potential mate? "Faithful priesthood holder", "honors covenants", "spiritual", "faithful to the Church", "returned missionary", "keeps the commandments" - pretty much everything the Church tells young people to look for in an "eternal companion" has to do with faithfulness to the Church. The Church isn't concerned about youth finding a compatible partner who gives them a fulfilling relationship - it is concerned with reinforcing the behaviors that promote faithfulness to the Church. And when a young man and woman do begin a relationship, the Church has taught them to be so paranoid about breaking the law of chastity that they frequently rush into marriage before they even really know each other.

Personally, I don't believe the Church promotes an environment that fosters healthy marriage relationships. I think it promotes an environment that attempts to use male/female relationships to keep people loyal to and participating in the Church. It kind of sick and twisted when you think about it.

Quick disclaimer in case my wife ever reads this - I'm not talking about me!

I agree with some of this and I disagree with some of this.

Overall I agree, but mostly because I'm a disaffected guy who's been married for a few decades and can see how the chicken farmers and coop owners are bound to the food companies that provide really low interest rate loans, exceptionally high environmental standards, and the glimmer of hope while chasing the ever elusive profit.

In other words, I saw chicken farming as a great way of life until I woke up one day knee deep in chicken poo, overcome by the stench of chicken overcrowding and realizing that chicken farming was an ok way of life. However I realized that other people chose not to be chicken farmers. They were having just as much success or more in life. They were a lot less stressed because they didn't ever feel like ringing the necks of the young chickens. Or have to be responsible for feeding and protecting them from harm.

Before I became a celestial chicken farmer, I could only see the benefits of chicken farming. Obviously because my parents we 25+ year chicken farmers. My grandparents were 40+ year chicken farmers. My neighborhood and youth leaders were all chicken farmers. I was just a kid who had really strong urges to drive the tractor but was told I couldn't until I became a chicken farmer.

My point is there are benefits of getting married young and struggling to get by while building a life together. Some of the best years of my marriage were the earliest when we didn't have much. Only time, each other, and a large box of condoms.

Not Buying It wrote:Personally, I don't believe the Church promotes an environment that fosters healthy marriage relationships. I think it promotes an environment that attempts to use male/female relationships to keep people loyal to and participating in the Church. It kind of sick and twisted when you think about it.

I think this accurately describes how the church sees marriage. The best strategy for the LDS church is to encourage young marriage and young parenthood. Once a faithful couple is enmeshed in a family ward with young children, they will probably stick around for life. I am pretty confident that this is part of the reasoning behind lowering the mission ages. Getting a young elder and young sister to pursue each other after their respective missions is a winning demographic goal for the LDS church.

Let's also be fair this is not a bad strategy for a civilization either. There is no doubt that this is difficult on the young couple. But when it succeeds, it builds strong, multi-generational families that also pay tithing and taxes. The needs of individuals are slippery and shifting. I don't think that the LDS church is intentionally cruel to young LGBT people. Singles and LGBT people simply are a smaller demographic that are not necessarily planning to support a conservative Christian church anyway. The biggest reward from effort in the LDS church is on young, hetero-normative families.

Case in point, a SIL is getting married in 4 weeks from now.

Her now Future husband is an OK guy.
Not a bad guy, but everyone says he´s a bit off....
Well to put it mildly he´s slightly autistic, or has Aspergers.
The diagnosis is still out.

He tried to get SIL for years while in YM. But she rejected him and had normal boyfriends.
Then he announced he would serve, and suddenly she spun about.
1. He likes me
2. He is a member
3. He wants to serve
4. I get bonuspoints from mommy if I marry and RM in the temple, so I will be mommy´s top-girl (ending my DW´s 18 year reign as top-girl as only of 5 daughters married in the Temple)

So she started dating him, sent him on a mssion, waited, and now is slated to marry at the ripe old age of 25.
They haven´t got a penny, he has a job but no degree. She has no degree either.
And his mission, let´s just say he never tracted a single day. He was an office elder 99%.

Great start !!

I think you're on to something Not Buying It. This may be why a lot of marriages fall apart when disaffection to the church sets in--the couple realizes the only thing they really had in common was devotion to the church.

Not Buying It wrote:I was thinking today about how the way that the Church teaches youth about marriage causes problems in a lot of LDS marriages. Think about it - what are youth told to look for in a potential mate? "Faithful priesthood holder", "honors covenants", "spiritual", "faithful to the Church", "returned missionary", "keeps the commandments" - pretty much everything the Church tells young people to look for in an "eternal companion" has to do with faithfulness to the Church.!

I don't know how the indoctrination regarding marriage takes place now but this is exactly how I was taught. I am 64. I grew up in a family that stressed that the woman's place was in the home. I was actually told I was being sent to BYU to find a man.... not an education. Unfortunately for my parents it took me 4 years to find "the man". Prior to this the pressure was on as to when I was going to get married. Therefore, they were elated when at the ripe old age of 21 I found that man who fit the criteria quoted above. I passed up some wonderful men because they didn't fit the bill and my parents would never approve.

After 21 years we divorced disappointing my parents who told me I was not complete without a man. There is this mentality out there but I don't think Mormons have the exclusive on that. I personally have several friends who have stayed in their marriages because of their religions. Where we can counteract this line of teaching/thinking is in what we teach our children. Raising my children as a TBM I didn't teach this for the sole fact that in my own life this criteria caused a lot of problems. To put emphasis on a marriage solely on the basis if they fit the Mormon man mold is a mistake and one that might lead to settling just for the sake of being married.

I think you've got good points. I FELT SOOOO GUILTY when I chose to marry DH knowing I loved him more than God/the church. It made me wonder at the time if I should not marry him glad I was a disobedient little harlot or whatever I want to label it as. 10 years later and I still love him more than any god.