Stuck, I missed this post somehow.
Here’s my advice.
Don’t make your interactions transactional.
I’ll do this …. If you do that.
It doesn’t get you anywhere other than posturing against each other from an “opposite team” perspective. Here’s how it’s been for us.
Your team is using your logical brain.
Her team is using her emotional brain.
You point out the logical evidence and deficiency.
She feels good at church. But not so good when you discuss your disbelief.
You see the historical evidence and problems.
She doesn’t know the doctrine or history.
It’s constant conflict because you’re coming at each other from opposite ends. Your okaying offense. She’s playing defense.
As much as Mike’s episodes are great, they’re not going to penetrate your wife’s spiritual force field.
I like what Dogbite said. Find a way to be open and vulnerable with her. Be very careful of your interactions and be an active listener. When you express your doubts and disaffection, her auto pilot response kicks in which is to defend her church, her beliefs, and her orthodoxy.
Which all manifests itself as ANXIETY!!!!!!!
I suggest in your conversations with her that you use a few ideas I’ll try to communicate below.
1. “I know some of these things we discuss are difficult”
2. “Give yourself permission to think about this….”
3. Reassure her that your not changing. Rather that you see things a bit differently now.”
4. Your inherent core values are the same.
5. You love her more than the church”
Now, if you must trade podcasts may I suggest this:
YOU: Listen to the all in podcast with her. It’s not so bad, there are some entertaining stories. It’s cookie cutter with a pattern of familiarity. My wife listened to a lot of these. It’s good overall from a faithful perspective.
HER: She listens to the “At Last She Said It” with you.
The ALSSI podcast is 110% women focused. It’s done extremely well with no bias. Both Cynthia and Susan are active members who speak out about their relationship with the church from a women’s perspective. This will resonate with her in so many ways that the podcast will feel save! It will feel safe and that’s what she needs.
It’s gentle, yet pointed. Safe, but effective in planting small seeds that continue to grow and expose the idea that the church has a woman problem.
https://atlastshesaidit.org/2020/04/
Start with episode 1 and go from there.
Episode 5 is amazing.
Episode 8 is amazing.
They’re all amazing.
Listen to a few episodes on your own first and you’ll see they are safe for a TBM woman. Then listen with her and discuss what she liked about the episodes and be an active listener. Create a fun safe routine while you listen.
Bake cookies
Go on a drive or hike
Do fun things together while listening.
Don’t talk about your unbelief or insert your opinions.
Just listen
Remove the transactional interaction.
Why?
Because this approach allows you to safely journey together.
