Sober October Mormon edition
Posted: Mon Sep 26, 2022 2:42 pm
I’m going to propose a Sober October Mormon edition.
For the month of October, I will refrain from everything Mormon related. This includes:
All forms of Mormon church activity.
All forms of Exmormon internet activity.
I understand this will be nearly impossible so I’ve made a few exceptions.
General NOMference. Mopag’s GC threads are wonderful cliff note versions. I might pop in and glance to understand what repetitive messages the top leaders will be regurgitating. Also to update my bingo card.
If Syster Ryder suggests a podcast or any other conversations she initiates. Gotta keep the rabbit hole going. Her descent has started to slow significantly which worries me a retrench may be coming.
I just really want to clean out my headspace of all Mormonism. It’s just too consuming and emotionally draining. I fully understand that this also means all garment jokes, garment stories, garment porn, and all other garment disdain will be placed on hold for a month. Perhaps I can make fun of the fruit of the loom guys even if I find them to be amazing half human half fruit characatures.
I’ve reserved a reservation at an outbound facility (Kish’s house) to drink away any sorrows that this month of wishful Mormon sobriety may bring. For those that have my number, please don’t text Mormon memes, pictures of Elder Packer, or any scriptures of interest that may deter me from completing this month of Mormon sobriety.
For those of you who’ve found the Elder Bednar late night erotic stories podcast, please don’t spoil the endings or act out what you hear and see in real life. I don’t want to know. I don’t want to know. I’ll binge watch in November.
For those of you who still attend sacrament meeting and participate for various reasons, please take a double fistful of the sacrament bread. One for yourself and one for proxy on behalf of Red Ryder who is sober for October. However, please refrain from taking a piece of bread with a crust edge. It not only reminds me of the body of Christ, but also of tough leathery middle eastern skin wishing for a moisturizing routine. Two shots of municipal city water to chase down the gluten. No preference to color although I prefer wheat.
I’ve programmed my phone to block the upcoming invitations to tithing declaration, calls to give sacrament talks or substitute in Sunday school, and Liahona magazine subscription renewals. I’ve preplanned my daily drive time to avoid having to drive past the 12 LDS chapels on the way to the freeway. My middle finger will find new ways to be stretched.
And finally, to all that may want to join me. You are welcome to move on with your life away from Mormonism. God speed and good luck. See you on the other side in November!
For the month of October, I will refrain from everything Mormon related. This includes:
All forms of Mormon church activity.
All forms of Exmormon internet activity.
I understand this will be nearly impossible so I’ve made a few exceptions.
General NOMference. Mopag’s GC threads are wonderful cliff note versions. I might pop in and glance to understand what repetitive messages the top leaders will be regurgitating. Also to update my bingo card.
If Syster Ryder suggests a podcast or any other conversations she initiates. Gotta keep the rabbit hole going. Her descent has started to slow significantly which worries me a retrench may be coming.
I just really want to clean out my headspace of all Mormonism. It’s just too consuming and emotionally draining. I fully understand that this also means all garment jokes, garment stories, garment porn, and all other garment disdain will be placed on hold for a month. Perhaps I can make fun of the fruit of the loom guys even if I find them to be amazing half human half fruit characatures.
I’ve reserved a reservation at an outbound facility (Kish’s house) to drink away any sorrows that this month of wishful Mormon sobriety may bring. For those that have my number, please don’t text Mormon memes, pictures of Elder Packer, or any scriptures of interest that may deter me from completing this month of Mormon sobriety.
For those of you who’ve found the Elder Bednar late night erotic stories podcast, please don’t spoil the endings or act out what you hear and see in real life. I don’t want to know. I don’t want to know. I’ll binge watch in November.
For those of you who still attend sacrament meeting and participate for various reasons, please take a double fistful of the sacrament bread. One for yourself and one for proxy on behalf of Red Ryder who is sober for October. However, please refrain from taking a piece of bread with a crust edge. It not only reminds me of the body of Christ, but also of tough leathery middle eastern skin wishing for a moisturizing routine. Two shots of municipal city water to chase down the gluten. No preference to color although I prefer wheat.
I’ve programmed my phone to block the upcoming invitations to tithing declaration, calls to give sacrament talks or substitute in Sunday school, and Liahona magazine subscription renewals. I’ve preplanned my daily drive time to avoid having to drive past the 12 LDS chapels on the way to the freeway. My middle finger will find new ways to be stretched.
And finally, to all that may want to join me. You are welcome to move on with your life away from Mormonism. God speed and good luck. See you on the other side in November!
.