NOM

I got a call the other day from a member of the bishopric (I think?). I guess I'm technically a family history adviser, even though I was never actually set apart and haven't done a single thing in the calling. He wanted me to come to the HPG lesson on Sunday and help them with a lesson on family history. I said no, I don't know anything about the family history system, would be of little help, and besides, I wouldn't be there on Sunday.

Part of me feels like I wimped out. I mean, I did firmly say no and didn't give in when he pushed back a little, but I also made excuses. Granted, they were true statements, but I still felt like they were excuses.

I'd love to be open with the ward about my disbelief, but I don't want to hurt my TBM (nuanced/liberal) wife. She doesn't think she will face a backlash from the ward if I come out as a non-believer (and heck, maybe our conservative southern ward will be just the place they'll be loving and accepting of part-member families ), but I can only see my coming out publicly resulting in pressure from the more fundamentalist types to shape me up or ship me out. (Granted, my wife is the type to push back to pressure, so maybe I should invite those kinds of responses. The thought still makes me uneasy, though.)

Further complicating matters is a pre-existing relationship with our bishop, who we were friends with ten years ago in the singles ward (he's a young bishop). Coming out to him would add a personal level to something that I feel is completely an institutional issue. And if I do decide to be open about my disbelief, because of this personal level, it's probably necessary to have that chat with my actual bishop.

So I didn't take the opportunity to relay my desire to not be contacted for mundane BS like toilet cleaning or home teaching or anything having to do with Sunday services. Did I wimp out as my instincts tell me, or did I wisely choose to delay this conversation for a better person and moment? Validate me, NOM.

To quote the late Elder Boyd K. Packer: "Some excuses that are true are not very useful" and the family history mantle is far far greater than your schedule.

Here's the thing. Mormonism doesn't accept excuses from its members. It only makes excuses for its members when they conveniently cover the doctrinal and historical deficiencies of the church.

If you're not ready to have the right conversations at the right time with the right people then give them one issue they can't solve. (I told my bishop I thought the temple was weird and creepy). This will lower your status to half assed mormon (HAM) on the totem pole and buy you time to work out your own exit strategy. A HAM is higher than an unbeliever and jack mormon so you can still attend with some form of expectations that you'll participate. Like maybe set up chairs, occasionally home teach, or if your feeling up to it you'll help clean the chapel on a Saturday morning. Teach a family history class? Fogetta about it! Go on splits with the missionaries? Fogetta about it? Speak in church? No way! Be the next ward mission leader, young men's president, elders quorum secretary, or Sunday school bell ringer! Hell noooooo!

The point is, you can hold the cards and control your own destiny. Let them wonder about you. Become an enigma. Walk your own path. Then blow their minds by boldly telling them The Lord confirmed your intentions with a personal revelation during your last visit to the celestial room. You weren't sure about the conflicting emotions but felt that when The Lord speaks, you must listen. You reflected on this personal revelation over tapioca pudding in the temple cafeteria and felt a warm rush of sugar induced serotonin flood your neural pathways confirming the presence of the Holy Ghost.

10% truth followed by self proclaimed inspiration backed by 90% wacko mormon doctrines will keep a healthy distance between you and your ward leaders.

I don't think of that so much as excuses but explaining things to him on a level he can understand.

My Dad always asked, "Is this the hill you want to die on?" To me your situation compares to "is this the calling you want to kill your relationship on?" Yeah, if he was dogging you about teaching or serving in the YM then maybe it's time to make a stand...otherwise, why fight? I think you did a prudent thing.