NOM

Our ward has ward conference this weekend. The first since I was called as bishop.

As a counselor, ward conference was pretty easy. I didn't have to find sacrament speakers. I didn't have to worry about filling in teaching a class. I just showed up, went through the meetings, visit a family with someone from the stake presidency, and that was that. As a bishop, it feels very different. Suddenly I feel a good deal of pressure for every single detail. This is compounded by a few different things.

First, the SP sent me a letter a couple of weeks ago detailing a strict, packed, and early schedule for the day. The first meeting of the day starts at 6:30am and continues throughout the late afternoon. He specified the speakers - I speak first, then he concludes. He specified that prelude music needs to be playing 12-15 minutes before the meeting begins and that all bishopric and presidency members should be seated on the stand 10 minutes before it begins. And on and on...

Normally all of these details/responsibilities are delegated to others and I just don't worry about it. For the last few weeks our organist has had scheduling issues and hasn't been arriving at church until 1 or 2 minutes before start time, so no prelude music. I haven't really worried about it because I know what's going on. But this week, I've had to ask her to please be on time, and if that's not possible to let me know so that I can have a backup (the only other organ player in our ward) prepped and ready to step in for prelude.

I've had to coordinate with our exec secretary who has been scheduling the after-church visits. He has reached out to six families to ask if we could stop by. Three of them told him no - and they were *mostly* active families! We're still one appointment short with only 2 days to go and exec sec seems to be dragging his feet making any additional contacts. I suppose we'll just visit him and his wife if it comes to it.

Second, both of my counselors and their families (both firmly anti-vax) got COVID a few weeks ago and have been largely MIA from Sunday meetings and youth activities since late January. I have been planning, organizing, and running the show on my own for that time, and I am just tired of it.

Third, the speaking assignment. I have spoken dozens of times in the past year. I generally feel like I have a good deal of flexibility in my talks and generally focus on community service, charity, diversity, acceptance, forgiveness, etc. I keep fast and testimony thoughts brief and generally just thank people for all they do to help each other. But this particular talk, with SP listening in, is really giving me some PIMO anxiety. I may post my talk here tomorrow to get some NOM feedback if ya'll are up for it.

We would love to peruse your ward conference talk. In the meantime, relax and let warm spiritual feelings wash over you.

Here’s a few of my random thoughts.

1. Prelude: pull out your phone and play hymns in front of the microphone. Nobody will know the difference. Slip in stairway to heaven.

2. Take a deep breath. It’s just ward conference. A special meeting schedule to deliver more cow bell.

3. Speaking: wing it with your NOM wisdom and gratitude. Those are always the best talks when they are real and from the heart.

4. Halfway though your talk start slipping in a few coughs here and there. By the end, get a raspy Mikey Cyrus tone going. Then start blowing your nose at the podium. Stall for a few extra minutes to burn time, so the SP talk is shortened. Struggle through it a bit, thank the Lord for giving you strength, and nourishment.

5. More gratitude. Thank the members for all they do and like it on. Why not make someone feel good for coming to another routine special meeting.

6. Read the room. If it gets sleepy and dull; Channel your inner Brad Wilcox! “Why am I speaking today?” Perhaps the better question to be asking is “Why isn’t the SP speaking the whole time?”

7. Fire alarm…. Get one of the deacons or annoying pre-pubescent kids to pull the fire alarm. Spend 20 minutes in the parking lot taking roll call. Check the building 4-5 times for signs of smoke or fire before going back in.

8. Support… know that we are here to laugh and cry with you and appreciate these updates.

Red Ryder wrote: ↑Fri Feb 18, 2022 2:37 pm Here’s a few of my random thoughts.

1. Prelude: pull out your phone and play hymns in front of the microphone. Nobody will know the difference. Slip in stairway to heaven.

Assign some goofy primary kid to sit at the organ and pretend to play during this period of time - make sure the kid wants to do it, and will act as flamboyant as possible.

Stake presidents and other leaders only exert as much control as people are willing to give them. They can fire you, perhaps, but in the church it's called release. Release from the stress.

I distinctly remember one stake president at a young men's camp years ago getting pretty freaked out about little details of a regional leader visit to the camp. It struck me as really odd. Several of us YM leaders had been doing really well with the YM, I felt, and while we were all working hard, it was within the context of a summer camp in the mountains on vacation days from real work. Chilling, if you will.

I remember thinking that the SP's stress was not MY stress, no matter how much he insisted and intimated to us how things needed to go for this supreme leader's visit. Even as a card carrying TBM at the time, it didn't really matter to me where people were standing or what horse was where when some old guy from Utah rolled into camp.

Having been on the stake end of multiple ward conferences, I got to see how the SP seemed to make those meetings more about him than the people who were in the ward whom he was called to serve. There's an agenda, and they created the agenda, and now they're here to tell you your goals for the year.

I've also been on the bishopric end of multiple ward conferences and observed how stressed the bishop seemed to become because of all the things the SP loaded and demanded into that day. And we probably can't blame the SP entirely because they've surely got area reps tugging on their ties to up their production, lengthen their stride, commit more sheep to the covenant path, or.. what was the thing before that? Hasten the work?! I remember getting my program yanked and told that we now needed to talk about hastening the work. Whatever the %#@& that means.

I also remember being told, as a ward mission leader, what our baptism goals were for the year. I had zero input. It used to bug me when stake leaders would come tell our Elders Quorum what our various goals were for the year. Obviously there's not a lot of buy in when other people make the goals for you.

I would suggest a counter offer to their rider. This is what we can do for you. We'll start the prelude music 2 min early, unless you can have your stake music chairman send an organ sub. We're gonna visit just one family afterwards. If you want to visit more, have your stake exec sec set that up for you.

Then.. just for fun... don't announce the closing prayer and closing hymn earlier in the program so then you'll get up again AFTER the SP speaks to thank him for speaking and then announce the hymn and benediction.

Maybe it's different in your neck of Zion, but I once got a mild chastisement as a BP counselor, for getting up after the SP spoke to announce the last part of the program in a meeting I was conducting. I thought I was doing what I was supposed to do, but apparently when a stake leader speaks, he's supposed to be the last guy at the podium (except the benediction). TRADITION!

Can you come down with Covid on Sunday?

Hang in there! Remember that you preside over your own life. The SP needs you more than you need him.

Question for you Graey,
There are a lot of micro managing church leaders. What are some things you do to “do things your way” rather than following the leaders?
I’ve become less of a follower and more of a trail blazer over the years. I’m interested in the areas you like to push back on.

Cnsl1 wrote: ↑Sat Feb 19, 2022 1:05 am
I would suggest a counter offer to their rider. This is what we can do for you. We'll start the prelude music 2 min early, unless you can have your stake music chairman send an organ sub. We're gonna visit just one family afterwards. If you want to visit more, have your stake exec sec set that up for you.

I like this approach. Lay out what you can do with lack of organists, COVID, and sticking to the one family visit. Ward members should spend Sundays with family and not so many extra meetings. It makes me crazy how some leaders need a dog and pony show. Is it an ego thing?? Do you respect this SP? Is he a friend? It would stress me out more if I liked and respected the person making these kinds of demands.

I know. Easier said than done. It's easy for us to chime in with ideas that we don't have to personally deal with. Good luck with the day and I look forward to hearing what the outcome is.

hmb wrote: ↑Sun Feb 20, 2022 6:52 am It makes me crazy how some leaders need a dog and pony show. Is it an ego thing??

It's two different things.

1. Leadership doesn't have the faith in Christ to believe that He will witness to and strengthen members on His and their own terms. Teach of Christ and He will do the rest. It's that simple.

2. Because of the above fear and lack of faith, leadership believes that THEY must manufacture a scenario that will "create" a spiritual experience for the members while adhering to some strict, petty "commandments of men" that will guarantee said spiritual experience. It's that shallow.

Ouch, I feel you. Especially having your 2 Counselors out of commission it must be a nightmare with planning all this stuff and then having what appears to be a very strict SP. It was funny when I was a bishop and I would pass the other bishop of the other ward in the hall and eyes would meet and there was a look that we would give each other of "I know what you're going through".

If things fall through the cracks I would hope that you're SP wouldn't rake you over the coals when your counselors are out of commission. It's super unrealistic to have such high expectations when you're totally on your own other than your Exec Sec who seems like he's running on empty.

Thanks for the update. Solidarity with you Bishop. Wish I could be there to help you.

Cnsl1 wrote: ↑Sat Feb 19, 2022 1:05 am Stake presidents and other leaders only exert as much control as people are willing to give them. They can fire you, perhaps, but in the church it's called release. Release from the stress.

...

Then.. just for fun... don't announce the closing prayer and closing hymn earlier in the program so then you'll get up again AFTER the SP speaks to thank him for speaking and then announce the hymn and benediction.

Maybe it's different in your neck of Zion, but I once got a mild chastisement as a BP counselor, for getting up after the SP spoke to announce the last part of the program in a meeting I was conducting. I thought I was doing what I was supposed to do, but apparently when a stake leader speaks, he's supposed to be the last guy at the podium (except the benediction). TRADITION!

Good thoughts and all very true.

To your last comment, I did exactly that yesterday. After he spoke I got up, thanked him for this testimony, and then announced the closing of the meeting.

2bizE wrote: ↑Sat Feb 19, 2022 9:50 pm Question for you Graey,
There are a lot of micro managing church leaders. What are some things you do to “do things your way” rather than following the leaders?
I’ve become less of a follower and more of a trail blazer over the years. I’m interested in the areas you like to push back on.

This is a good question. I've always been more of a "maintain status quo" kinda guy, which is very evident in the predicament I'm in with this calling in the first place. I push back in subtle ways - I regularly refer to us as mormons over the pulpit, encourage our youth to consider going anywhere besides BYU, I don't admonish people for hating their garments or breaking the WoW (just let them know that we love them), I send people to therapists rather than instructing them to read the BoM and pray more fervently, I block attempts at holding BoM reading/study nights as youth activities (or anything even remotely related to that, there's more to say here, but its getting off topic), etc.

This question really has got me thinking though. I will have to give this some ponderizing and find new bigger ways to push back.

stealthbishop wrote: ↑Mon Feb 21, 2022 7:54 am Ouch, I feel you. Especially having your 2 Counselors out of commission it must be a nightmare with planning all this stuff and then having what appears to be a very strict SP.

You're exactly right, I think the days leading up to the meeting was stressful because I was running the show entirely on my own for so long leading up to it. It really wasn't as big a deal as my post built it up to be. But venting here on NOM helps tremendously. Thank you, all, for listening ears.

In the end ward conference was fine. I didn't have time to post my talk for peer review, but I only gave about 1/2 of it anyway due to time restrictions and even then I mostly spoke about playing soccer

After church, SP and I visited a family where the husband has been a member his whole life, but the wife was raised catholic. He comes to church about 70% of the time, and usually brings his older kids. She comes occasionally, but goes home after sacrament meeting. Part way through our conversation SP asked her what she thought of church and baptism. She responded that she was supportive of her husband being a member and glad the kids got to be baptized and participate, but that was the extent of it. SP asked what she thought about the teaching of eternal families. She thought for a second and the replied that most churches teach that we'll be together again and forever. The Mormon church is the only one that says you have to give them money to make it happen.

SP stumbled on his response for just a moment before saying something about God requiring our faithfulness through obedience for his greatest blessings. It was pretty terrific. My contributions to the discussion consisted of commiserating about re-tiling showers. Moving closer to being fired... err, released, every day.

Cnsl1 wrote: ↑Sat Feb 19, 2022 1:05 am Stake presidents and other leaders only exert as much control as people are willing to give them. They can fire you, perhaps, but in the church it's called release. Release from the stress.

Can only re-emphasize this, and it sounds like you did this pretty well anyway, graey.

And I love your SP's view of life, that God requires faith and obedience to get blessings. My God, why is there not more push back on this idea on the church? (Not you personally, graey, but I hear this crap at church all the time, and in the talk I'm supposed to give soon on the high council.). Why is this pernicious idea of God's conditional love still around? Oh right, the dude in charge believes it.

WHY, oh WHY does God require obedience? Who says so, other than religion? I'm a Dad, and giving my kids "blessings" is not predicated at all on how well they listen to me. It's just so stupid this narcissistic theology, and I'm not buying it at all.

I'm a little late to the thread, sounds like things worked out ok græy, I'm glad you made it through!

I'm sorry your SP put you through that. The ultra-demanding attitude pervades church leadership and is only softened by the good people on the ground level. For a people-pleaser it's a nightmare to have someone like that around because you feel a deep need to meet their demands, even though logically you know it's fine if things don't go exactly the way it is "supposed to". I hope you don't have to deal with your SP poking his head in too often.

Mormorrisey wrote: ↑Mon Feb 21, 2022 10:40 am

WHY, oh WHY does God require obedience? Who says so, other than religion? I'm a Dad, and giving my kids "blessings" is not predicated at all on how well they listen to me. It's just so stupid this narcissistic theology, and I'm not buying it at all.

Sorry.....

But it's in the Mormon DNA. You can't escape it even though it's false doctrine. It has to be recognized as such by the upper echelon dumbies who don't really understand their Bibles.

D&C 130: 20-21

20 "There is a law, irrevocably decreed in heaven before the foundations of this world, upon which all blessings are predicated—

21 And when we obtain any blessing from God, it is by obedience to that law upon which it is predicated."


Which flies in the face of Matthew 5:45

"That ye may be the children of your Father which is in heaven: for he maketh his sun to rise on the evil and on the good, and sendeth rain on the just and on the unjust."


Let's seeeee.....who am I going to believe here....?

Don't get me wrong. I think God expects us to keep his commandments but it certainly isn't a quid pro quo arrangement. We can keep the commandments and still get drenched by the rain at an inconvenient time.

The other aspect is being sure it's God's commandments we are keeping and not the Pharisaical commandments of men. But when you have the blind leading the blind it gets hard to tell which is which....

græy wrote: ↑Fri Feb 18, 2022 10:55 am As a bishop, it feels very different. Suddenly I feel a good deal of pressure for every single detail.

That's why they pay you the big bucks! If I were in this position I would probably end up in the cognitive dissonance ward of the mental hospital, but something tells me you will do just great. If you sprinkle Joseph Smith's and Russell Nelson's names in there a few times it really doesn't matter much what else you say.

Hagoth wrote: ↑Wed Feb 23, 2022 7:32 am

græy wrote: ↑Fri Feb 18, 2022 10:55 am As a bishop, it feels very different. Suddenly I feel a good deal of pressure for every single detail.

That's why they pay you the big bucks! If I were in this position I would probably end up in the cognitive dissonance ward of the mental hospital, but something tells me you will do just great. If you sprinkle Joseph Smith's and Russell Nelson's names in there a few times it really doesn't matter much what else you say.

Sorry, I have a long standing point of personal conscience that I avoid quoting JS, Nelson, JFS, etc. I allow more liberal quotes from others, but I'm picky about it. For my ward conference talk I think I had one paragraph from Eyring about being together and accepting one another despite differences, but the rest were new testament verses or modern therapists.

græy wrote: ↑Fri Feb 25, 2022 12:49 pm ... or modern therapists.

Please please please type that you quoted Natasha Helfer Parker.