NOM

A brief background. I have four kids, and they all know to varying degrees my challenges with church-related issues. Like Sister M, I have to dance a little bit on eggshells around them, as they don't like to hear negative comments about the church too much; and I can understand, but I'm human and I slip up from time to time, and then we have problems. Like when we went on a bit of a road trip, I was listening to Dehlin's Hans Mattsson interview while they were sleeping, and they woke up not liking what they were hearing. What's very interesting, if I just say a neutral comment about cultural Mormon nonsense, all four of my kids will chime in and say how much they dislike Mormon culture, and I don't have to say much. Three of the four have gone to a church school, and we all can agree that Mormon culture sucks. I just need to be careful.

In any event, we're all together for the birth of a grandchild, and I had the opportunity to talk with a couple of my kids about church issues. I made the comment about not being able to put lipstick on a pig at one point, and that led to a discussion with one of my kids about Ballard's comment at BYU for the ladies to put a little lipstick on. My kid was actually at that devotional, and she said that she was rather shocked by what he said. So I asked her what she thought. She basically said that she just dismisses what he said as the ramblings of a old man, and didn't take much stock in it. I was rather taken aback by that, and it led to a further discussion. On a related note, my youngest is more like me, and we can be pretty open, so her views on the matter mirrored mine, that sometimes these old guys are out of touch, but for my other daughter to say that was very illuminating on a number of fronts.

One is that we started to discuss Millennials and their relationship with the church. She agreed with me that the younger generation tends to pick and choose what they want to listen to when it comes to counsel they receive, and if it's stupid like Ballard's lipstick comment, they just dismiss it out of hand without a second's thought. To my daughter, that helps her keep sane when other things she doesn't like about church come to the fore. (On a side note, she plans on going into social work, and sees a lot of psychological problems in the church.) And then she said that maybe I needed to learn to do that, rather than get angry at what happens at church. And you know what? She's right to some degree, and I am getting better at just ignoring the stupid. What was nice, is that we could agree on that, and it gives me a lot of hope for my kids that they won't be psychologically damaged by their church membership, and they are pretty good at figuring out what's nonsense about their own religion.

The other thing I take away from this is that the church is in big trouble with this generation. They are simply not buying the "you need to listen to us because we're the Lord's servants" mantra that Nelson and the "true Millennials" are serving up, and are actively choosing to be cafeteria Mormons or choosing to walk out the door. I have a feeling that unless that mantra changes, the church is just going to be a fringe conservative movement in about 25 years, and I don't think I'll be alone on the sidelines.

Those are interesting observations. The LDS church does not know what to do with single people or with Millennials. The official plan for the combination of "single Millennials" is to get them on a mission then married in the temple as fast as possible without making it look like that's what LDS leadership actually wants. It sounds like my children are just younger than yours. None are married yet. I don't see a life of devoted LDS activity with any of them, except maybe one who will still be liberal believer at best. Once we can dismiss prophetic counsel as the "ramblings of old men" it opens up the floodgates on skepticism of lots of sketchy LDS doctrines and cultural habits.

Your daughter has a point in one respect - every single member picks and chooses to some extent, because it is impossible to believe and follow all of the contradictory pronouncements made by the Brethren over the years, and there is not enough time in the day to pursue every activity we have been encouraged to pursue by every General Authority since the Church began. Can't be done. Picking and choosing is a necessity, but unfortunately leads to a chronic feeling among many members that they aren't doing enough.

I have to think though, what about this organization is so wonderful that I should have to accept any of it? It offers me nothing I can't get elsewhere without all the baggage. Yes, you can pick through a garbage can to find edible food, but why not get your food from somewhere where you don't have to pick through garbage to get it?

Not Buying It wrote:Your daughter has a point in one respect - every single member picks and chooses to some extent, because it is impossible to believe and follow all of the contradictory pronouncements made by the Brethren over the years, and there is not enough time in the day to pursue every activity we have been encouraged to pursue by every General Authority since the Church began. Can't be done. Picking and choosing is a necessity, but unfortunately leads to a chronic feeling among many members that they aren't doing enough.

And this is how Sister M has been, although she is getting better at not feeling the guilt as much as she did when we were first married. She has even turned down callings, which believe it or not, I haven't done yet! She has been much better at saying no. I have been very worried that the kids would inherit the guilt, and apart from one exception, my fears have proved unfounded. And the one exception, one of my middle kids, I'm now convinced, has this issue as just part of her personality. She stresses about EVERYTHING, from her grades, to church, to her social interactions. A little bundle of stress, that the church only exacerbates, rather than rules. Which I can help her navigate, largely without conflict. Which is nice.

But your comment still stands, and I agree wholeheartedly with it. And it's the guilt that drives the church engine, and gets people to do a whole lot for an organization that doesn't give a lot back.

Mormorrisey wrote: What's very interesting, if I just say a neutral comment about cultural Mormon nonsense, all four of my kids will chime in and say how much they dislike Mormon culture, and I don't have to say much. Three of the four have gone to a church school, and we all can agree that Mormon culture sucks. I just need to be careful.

This was me for years. I came form a family like this. Hated the culture, but believed the doctrine. My husband is kind of the same way. He really hates "BYU mentality," as he calls it, but I can't for the life of me get him to see that BYU and the church are the same. It drives me crazy.