disaffection and health

[Tangent]

I just listened to a fascinating podcast from RadioWest on the science of heartbreak.

Many of us think of heartbreak as being primarily an emotional response to an unexpected or traumatic ending of a relationship. But research is showing that there are real physical effects to heartbreak, and the subsequent loneliness, some of which are damaging.

What really caught my attention was when the guest spoke of things that help people recover after a heartbreak. Yes, it is good to have a supportive social group. But she claimed the research is showing that the best antidote for loneliness is not so much other people, but *purpose*.

This struck me as very applicable to my situation in post faith-crisis and in my now mixed-faith marriage. Both the physical effects of the faith-crisis experience itself, but also my resulting loneliness afterwards. Even coming out of the closet to a few people hasn't helped as much as I though it would. Since the topic is still sensitive, neither me or those I've come out to like to talk about it -- so the loneliness continues. And lastly, I've really struggled with purpose since my faith transition as well, and I think that affects my wellbeing in more ways than I had realized.

Faith crises (or transitions) are difficult for anyone, but as an introvert whose life and social connections were and are close to 100% church based, it is especially rough.

It's no fun being the lone ranger.

[Angel]

... the best antidote for loneliness is not so much other people, but *purpose*.

I thank God every day for the job I have because it gives me purpose.

Yes. Find your purpose.

As for being a lone ranger:

"For the aspect of Zen in which I am personally interested is nothing that can be organized, taught, transmitted, certified, or wrapped up in any kind of system. It can’t even be followed, for everyone has to find it for himself.
As Plotinus said, it is “a flight of the alone to the Alone,” and as an old Zen poem says:If you do not get it from yourself, Where will you go for it?
Fundamentally, this is in a sense the position of the whole Zen Buddhist tradition. Strictly speaking, there are no Zen masters because Zen has nothing to teach. "

Alan Watts ~ This is it (pg 80)

[glass shelf]

I think there's a lot of validity in this. Right before I decied to leave the church, I decided to go back to school because I knew that I needed to get my own career. It was a hard thing to be going through a faith crisis during grad school, but i'm so grateful for the timing in the long run. It gave me something to focus on, and i enjoy what I do/I'm good at it, so I'm so glad to have that.

[Hagoth]

... an old Zen poem says:If you do not get it from yourself, Where will you go for it?

There is nothing as liberating as the realization that the Men in the High Seats have no more access to the cosmos than you do. Less, in fact, because they are burdened with perpetuating the pretense of authority.

[stealthbishop]

I think both people and purpose are vitally important to a human's well being.

We come from a tribal heritage. There is no way around that. Whether we are introverts or extroverts we are biologically wired to need and depend on people. But research shows we don't need a lot of people. It's quality and not quantity. We need at least 1-2 deep friendships outside of kin (including spouses) for psychological well being.

Meaning and purpose are also vitally important. Leaving the church can leave a huge hole in this area. The LDS church saturates our lives with this to the point of overflow. "We all have work. Let no one shirk. Put your shoulder to the wheel". We all know what is expected and it is overwhelming. But when that no longer meets our needs for whatever reason, we have to find SUSTAINABLE new meaning and purpose in our lives that aligns with our highest values.

Both are vitally important.

[Linked]

The focus on purpose really resonates with me. I have also struggled to fill the hole that being Mormon did. It was so certain and so important. Any purpose I find now is hamstrung by my nihlistic thoughts.

I don't have any answers, just similar feelings. Mostly I have just focused more on family and hobbies and work, but those don't feel as pure. Focusing on hobbies can feel selfish and meaningless. Focusing on my family feels selfish, because there are other families. Maybe a cause and it's community would be better.

[Red Ryder]

I’ve been at this faith transition since 2004.

It’s taken a toll on my mental health especially trying to make attendance and family milestones work. NOM has been the outlet for frustrations and understanding.

Overtime, I just learned to not care what other people think and my mental health has improved.

Weekends become all about doing the things I love to do. I still occasionally attend sacrament meeting but end up browsing my phone the whole time. It’s a simple sacrifice to keep the wife off the back bench known and “widow’s row”.

The rest of Sundays become a joyful mix of personal and family time. The great outdoors brings clarity and peace. A nice BBQ and family get together is fun too.

I like the idea of chasing a new purpose, hobby, or _________ to fill the time Mormonism occupied in our hearts and minds.

That’s the beauty of a faith transition.

We can choose to think and do for ourselves. We are no longer bound by the whims of policy, endless guilt to attend the temple, attend meetings, and chase the Mormon carrot.

It’s peaceful when you can finally shut of the Mormon voices in your head.

I’d also suggest you’re never the Lone Ranger. If you look around your sacrament meeting , your family, your friends… they’re are people just like you trying to figure out their place within Mormonism.

In 100 years, Mormons will look like any other religion. It will be so watered down it won’t be recognized by todays version. Look back 100 years and ask if it’s the same today as it was back then. Pretty drastic changes considered if you’re a comparing to the fall of polygamy and the rise in full membership for all races.

[Tangent]

Appreciate everyone's thoughtful comments.

I agree that both people and purpose are critical. I was surprised by what the podcast claimed -- that purpose is even more important. I'm not sure I agree with that, since they seem pretty co-equal to me.

I think there are a couple of layers to purpose, First there's the 'OK what tasks do I need go get done over the next hour, day, week, etc'. One can ceratainly obtain a sense of purpose in keeping busy and accomplishing those 'to-do' items. But to me the tougher one is 'what is my over-arching life purpose'. Perhaps another way of framing it is 'what are my true morals?'. That is more challenging to resolve for some people than others after a faith transition.

I realize that yes, we have the freedom to make our 'purpose' whatever we want, but I think the residue of church mentally still clings to me, in that I tend to think that there is some purpose outside myself that I need to be told, or someone needs to show me. The church of course is only too happy to overlay their purposes onto our lives. Some people with a strong sense of self once they throw off the shackles of their faith tradition can formulate that new purpose more easily. I find it very difficult. A lack of self confidence also complicates matters...the more one must turn to others for validation the more difficult it is to identify our true self and subsequently our morals and purpose.

[Angel]

...I tend to think that there is some purpose outside myself

Most find purpose outside themselves. I happen to be a teacher... of young adults trying to find themselves. I'm sure they would find other paths without me, but I love the journey.

It's genuine if no one tells you to do it