Seven Months Down. 53 To Go.
Posted: Wed Dec 01, 2021 2:29 pm
I've been putting this off. The last episode detailing the ordeals of being a non-believing bishop was in early September. Our bishopric hit the 6 month mark in mid October, and here we are now in December. So I guess I've really got 7 1/2 months down. That's so much easier! /s
Youth Activities
These are going a bit better. The youth plan the activities. That is, they put them on the schedule. We've learned through sad experience that most of them won't do any actual planning and will often fall through without significant input from the leaders. Two of our Aaronic priesthood advisors are marginally active at best and don't really contribute other than occasionally attending Sunday meetings. That leaves us in the bishopric trying to handle Sunday lessons and Wednesday activities. Its like a never-ending meat grinder. As soon as one activity or lesson ends, you think you have room to breathe, but the next is only two days away so don't breathe too much! Even my super ultra TBM wants-to-be-bishop counselor has expressed exhaustion at the non-stop nature of this dual bishopric/YM calling. I don't see this continuing on indefinitely. Bishoprics have to be burning out. Of course, our ward is very small. (The only complete presidency in our ward is the RS presidency. All others are without secretaries, without counselors, or in the case of the SS, only have one single counselor.) Maybe other wards have it easier with active and dedicated YM advisors with extra "specialists" to render further assistance. In our case, its just us three.
Division Amongst the Flock
Our ward (like many others, probably) is VERY divided on a lot of things. COVID? A quarter say its not even real, a quarter says it will kill us all, the rest just sit quietly with popcorn watching them duke it out. Unfortunately for me the duking often comes to my door or phone in the form of "so and so won't wear a mask." or "I'm just so sad Nelson said to get vaccinated. It must be a test." I have started ignoring them all because I've been down that road with each of them and it doesn't go anywhere.
In an effort to try and understand what we could possibly do to heal the division and help members feel supported the EQ sent out a survey. Ward members were asked to rate for themselves how comfortable they felt at church, how well the lessons were going for them, how effective the activities were for the youth, whether or not they had friends in the ward, etc.
What did we learn? You can't do anything without pissing off at least 1/3 of the members. For example, three members commented how much they love the new youth program because it gives them freedom to explore new hobbies and try new things as a group. Simultaneously another three members commented that they felt the new youth program didn't provide enough structure or guidance in teaching the "important things of eternity". A few people said the Come Follow Me lessons were boring and not at all spiritually fulfilling. A few others gushed about how great CFM is for teaching us the "full" history of the church.
In the end, we didn't change anything as a result of the survey. Maybe I just lack bishop-ly vision, maybe I'm already getting worn out and don't really care.
Why Do I Even Try
Several members of the ward have expressed to me their frustration at trying to wrestle families, fulfill callings, and feel like they're progressing on their own spiritual path. Some of those conversations included not one, but two RS counselors, a prior YW president, and the current primary president. They all work hard for their callings, but all expressed that they rarely feel the spirit. Most of them blamed this failure on the fact that they are constantly fighting with their children to come to church/seminary, or just overwhelmed by packed and sometimes conflicting schedules.
I genuinely hurt for them and wish I could alleviate some of their frustration by letting them know that none of it actually matters. But that usually seems like the wrong message in the face of a hurting TBM.
In one case the poor lady asked for a list of therapists in the area, which I gave her. I really think she's trying to stave off full-blown depression. But her TBM husband argued that all she really needs is the atonement. In his words, a therapist won't be able to help nearly so much as God. He was completely deaf to her pleas that God simply hasn't been answering her for years and she needs to try something new.
Adulting
I am blown away and dumb-founded at the sheer number of grown-ups who have no idea how to do adult things. There are at least three families we have been working with for several months now. In those months we have been paying a significant portion of their bills, I'm very happy to help out where needed - the church can obviously afford it. However, we are supposed to track some degree of progress. Progress can really be anything, it doesn't have to be large, but it does have to be measurable. Can't afford rent because you don't know how to budget? Fine. We'll pay rent this month and spend the next two weeks learning how to budget. And yet, 5 months later, few of these families have been able to follow through on commitments to track expenses for even two weeks. They just can't seem to do it.
One lady is a refugee from Africa. She lost her green card and has struggled to find a place to live (no ID does make that difficult). I happen to know an immigration lawyer. The lawyer pointed us in the right direction to get the forms for her to file for her replacement green card. They aren't even all that hard to fill out. There is a small fee which I offered to cover for her. Since then, she has managed to find a part-time job and another family from the ward has taken her in, but after SIX months she still has not filled out the paperwork for her green card. I have found people who were willing to walk her through the forms in case it was a language barrier, all she had to do was text them. But SIX months later that still has not happened.
I am happy to be generous, to err on the side of compassion. As I said, the church can afford it. But at this point, I'm starting to feel taken advantage of, and I'm ready to let people feel the consequences of inaction.
Tithing Settlement
I hate it. I try to make it clear that I don't want these things to feel like a shakedown. I try to frame it as a time for them to check records and let us know if we've screwed up and nothing more than that. I also make it a point to tell families that I don't look at their tithing reports. How they declare themselves is entirely between them and God. I'm surprised at the pushback I get on that simple point. "Oh, but bishop we also have to teach our kids that 10% is a commandment and we are responsible to you and to God to pay it." No, you don't owe me anything be it money or explanation. If you feel guilty about not paying and need to unload tell me about it, I'll reassure you that God cares at all he'll love you regardless of whether you paid on gross, net, or just gave $20 to the local alcohol recovery center.
I absolutely refuse to spend any more of my time chasing down people who don't proactively sign up for settlement. I'll check the box however and move on. They're happier and I'm happier to have one less thing to do at Christmas.
Special "Privileges"
This weekend (Dec 4) there is a multi-stake (9 of them) leadership training. All ward council members (minus clerks and secretaries) are invited to come listen to a member of the Q15 at our local stake center. Following the meeting, the mission president, temple president, stake presidencies (including counselors) and bishops (but no counselors) are invited to a special smaller meeting with the same Q15 dude.
We have been instructed to come prepared with "inspired questions." But! These questions can't be on topics that might actually be helpful or inspire sincere discussion. No, these questions should "pertain to how leaders can live and teach the principles ... taught in the recent general conference." Very strong vibes of "You're free to ask questions! Here is the list of approved questions."
Roughly 5 years ago a similar conference was held in a nearby stake. Our bishop at the time was out of the country four business and asked me to go in his place. I was the only bishopric counselor in attendance. Everyone else was either a stake president, SP counselor, or BP. They all had blue name tags, every one of them. I had a yellow name tag, the only one in the building that I saw.
At that time I was still early in my faith crisis and had very high hopes of hearing something, anything, that could help me understand. I arrived a full hour early to prepare by reading scriptures and praying. During the meeting I took furious notes. One brave bishop asked the golden question. "How do we help members who have concerns or are leaving over historical concerns?" Elder Renlund, in his intimate knowledge of the Savior and the restoration of the gospel (TM) answered with much resolve, "Brethren, we have not been deceived." And that was it. That was as close as I got to an answer to my dark night of the soul.
Needless to say, I am not excited about this coming weekend. I'm annoyed that I now have to give up a Saturday in addition to my recent 9-12 hour Sundays (bleeping tithing settlement).
Mrs Græy
When I first made the decision to be called as bishop Mrs Græy was all over the place. "This is from God, you'll help people!" "This can't be from God. You don't even believe." I honestly don't know where she's at now. She never wants to talk about it. If anything, when this is all said and done, no matter how it ends, I can honestly say I tried. I've put in the time studying, searching, looking for answers. If the answer can only be found in prayer, I've sacrificed my time and put in the effort to be in a position to get that answer. The fault either lies with the church, or with God, probably both.
Other
There's probably a lot I'm missing. I'll add on to this post as I think of things.
Youth Activities
These are going a bit better. The youth plan the activities. That is, they put them on the schedule. We've learned through sad experience that most of them won't do any actual planning and will often fall through without significant input from the leaders. Two of our Aaronic priesthood advisors are marginally active at best and don't really contribute other than occasionally attending Sunday meetings. That leaves us in the bishopric trying to handle Sunday lessons and Wednesday activities. Its like a never-ending meat grinder. As soon as one activity or lesson ends, you think you have room to breathe, but the next is only two days away so don't breathe too much! Even my super ultra TBM wants-to-be-bishop counselor has expressed exhaustion at the non-stop nature of this dual bishopric/YM calling. I don't see this continuing on indefinitely. Bishoprics have to be burning out. Of course, our ward is very small. (The only complete presidency in our ward is the RS presidency. All others are without secretaries, without counselors, or in the case of the SS, only have one single counselor.) Maybe other wards have it easier with active and dedicated YM advisors with extra "specialists" to render further assistance. In our case, its just us three.
Division Amongst the Flock
Our ward (like many others, probably) is VERY divided on a lot of things. COVID? A quarter say its not even real, a quarter says it will kill us all, the rest just sit quietly with popcorn watching them duke it out. Unfortunately for me the duking often comes to my door or phone in the form of "so and so won't wear a mask." or "I'm just so sad Nelson said to get vaccinated. It must be a test." I have started ignoring them all because I've been down that road with each of them and it doesn't go anywhere.
In an effort to try and understand what we could possibly do to heal the division and help members feel supported the EQ sent out a survey. Ward members were asked to rate for themselves how comfortable they felt at church, how well the lessons were going for them, how effective the activities were for the youth, whether or not they had friends in the ward, etc.
What did we learn? You can't do anything without pissing off at least 1/3 of the members. For example, three members commented how much they love the new youth program because it gives them freedom to explore new hobbies and try new things as a group. Simultaneously another three members commented that they felt the new youth program didn't provide enough structure or guidance in teaching the "important things of eternity". A few people said the Come Follow Me lessons were boring and not at all spiritually fulfilling. A few others gushed about how great CFM is for teaching us the "full" history of the church.
In the end, we didn't change anything as a result of the survey. Maybe I just lack bishop-ly vision, maybe I'm already getting worn out and don't really care.Why Do I Even Try
Several members of the ward have expressed to me their frustration at trying to wrestle families, fulfill callings, and feel like they're progressing on their own spiritual path. Some of those conversations included not one, but two RS counselors, a prior YW president, and the current primary president. They all work hard for their callings, but all expressed that they rarely feel the spirit. Most of them blamed this failure on the fact that they are constantly fighting with their children to come to church/seminary, or just overwhelmed by packed and sometimes conflicting schedules.
I genuinely hurt for them and wish I could alleviate some of their frustration by letting them know that none of it actually matters. But that usually seems like the wrong message in the face of a hurting TBM.
In one case the poor lady asked for a list of therapists in the area, which I gave her. I really think she's trying to stave off full-blown depression. But her TBM husband argued that all she really needs is the atonement. In his words, a therapist won't be able to help nearly so much as God. He was completely deaf to her pleas that God simply hasn't been answering her for years and she needs to try something new.
Adulting
I am blown away and dumb-founded at the sheer number of grown-ups who have no idea how to do adult things. There are at least three families we have been working with for several months now. In those months we have been paying a significant portion of their bills, I'm very happy to help out where needed - the church can obviously afford it. However, we are supposed to track some degree of progress. Progress can really be anything, it doesn't have to be large, but it does have to be measurable. Can't afford rent because you don't know how to budget? Fine. We'll pay rent this month and spend the next two weeks learning how to budget. And yet, 5 months later, few of these families have been able to follow through on commitments to track expenses for even two weeks. They just can't seem to do it.
One lady is a refugee from Africa. She lost her green card and has struggled to find a place to live (no ID does make that difficult). I happen to know an immigration lawyer. The lawyer pointed us in the right direction to get the forms for her to file for her replacement green card. They aren't even all that hard to fill out. There is a small fee which I offered to cover for her. Since then, she has managed to find a part-time job and another family from the ward has taken her in, but after SIX months she still has not filled out the paperwork for her green card. I have found people who were willing to walk her through the forms in case it was a language barrier, all she had to do was text them. But SIX months later that still has not happened.
I am happy to be generous, to err on the side of compassion. As I said, the church can afford it. But at this point, I'm starting to feel taken advantage of, and I'm ready to let people feel the consequences of inaction.
Tithing Settlement
I hate it. I try to make it clear that I don't want these things to feel like a shakedown. I try to frame it as a time for them to check records and let us know if we've screwed up and nothing more than that. I also make it a point to tell families that I don't look at their tithing reports. How they declare themselves is entirely between them and God. I'm surprised at the pushback I get on that simple point. "Oh, but bishop we also have to teach our kids that 10% is a commandment and we are responsible to you and to God to pay it." No, you don't owe me anything be it money or explanation. If you feel guilty about not paying and need to unload tell me about it, I'll reassure you that God cares at all he'll love you regardless of whether you paid on gross, net, or just gave $20 to the local alcohol recovery center.
I absolutely refuse to spend any more of my time chasing down people who don't proactively sign up for settlement. I'll check the box however and move on. They're happier and I'm happier to have one less thing to do at Christmas.
Special "Privileges"
This weekend (Dec 4) there is a multi-stake (9 of them) leadership training. All ward council members (minus clerks and secretaries) are invited to come listen to a member of the Q15 at our local stake center. Following the meeting, the mission president, temple president, stake presidencies (including counselors) and bishops (but no counselors) are invited to a special smaller meeting with the same Q15 dude.
We have been instructed to come prepared with "inspired questions." But! These questions can't be on topics that might actually be helpful or inspire sincere discussion. No, these questions should "pertain to how leaders can live and teach the principles ... taught in the recent general conference." Very strong vibes of "You're free to ask questions! Here is the list of approved questions."
Roughly 5 years ago a similar conference was held in a nearby stake. Our bishop at the time was out of the country four business and asked me to go in his place. I was the only bishopric counselor in attendance. Everyone else was either a stake president, SP counselor, or BP. They all had blue name tags, every one of them. I had a yellow name tag, the only one in the building that I saw.
At that time I was still early in my faith crisis and had very high hopes of hearing something, anything, that could help me understand. I arrived a full hour early to prepare by reading scriptures and praying. During the meeting I took furious notes. One brave bishop asked the golden question. "How do we help members who have concerns or are leaving over historical concerns?" Elder Renlund, in his intimate knowledge of the Savior and the restoration of the gospel (TM) answered with much resolve, "Brethren, we have not been deceived." And that was it. That was as close as I got to an answer to my dark night of the soul.
Needless to say, I am not excited about this coming weekend. I'm annoyed that I now have to give up a Saturday in addition to my recent 9-12 hour Sundays (bleeping tithing settlement).
Mrs Græy
When I first made the decision to be called as bishop Mrs Græy was all over the place. "This is from God, you'll help people!" "This can't be from God. You don't even believe." I honestly don't know where she's at now. She never wants to talk about it. If anything, when this is all said and done, no matter how it ends, I can honestly say I tried. I've put in the time studying, searching, looking for answers. If the answer can only be found in prayer, I've sacrificed my time and put in the effort to be in a position to get that answer. The fault either lies with the church, or with God, probably both.
Other
There's probably a lot I'm missing. I'll add on to this post as I think of things.
