NOM

While he is still on his mission.

I'm not sure what to do, lots of thoughts bouncing around and I could use some advice from the NOM family. He announced that he will be marrying his former high school girlfriend next summer, 3 months after getting home from his mission. They broke up after high school. I want to write him an email expressing some concern, but not make him feel like I'm telling him not to. That may not be possible and maybe I should just congratulate him and give him support. Maybe 3 months is long enough for them to confirm or fall out of love.

General Concerns:
- Missions are depressing and lonely. Looking forward to love, romance, (SEX!!!), could be really nice even if it is with someone you don't have a connection with. When I was on my mission I thought that spending time with my parents again would be so awesome; my eternal family! 3 months after coming home I had to move out because I was butting heads with my dad just like old times.

- They broke up for a reason. He is not in a state of mind to recall that reason now.

Post-Faith-Transition Concerns:
- The church lays a trap to keep people in it through lifelong commitments before they can think too much about it: Advance through the youth program - Go on a mission - Get married quickly - Kids quickly. He is springing step 3 even earlier than the church recommends!


Email versions:
1 - Marriage!?! Why are you thinking about marriage right now dude? You have other mission stuff you should worry about. If not that, then enjoying (Foreign Country), or your college plans, or the parties you will be going to. You will have plenty of time to date and marry (girl) when you get back.

2 - You are not in the right frame of mind to be getting engaged.

3 - Congrats on your engagement! That's crazy! I support you 100%. But I think setting a date 3 months after you get home may be a little rash.

4 - Congrats on your engagement! That's crazy! I support you 100%.

It might be that I've never had a good experience telling family members that any decision is a bad idea, but I think any nudging you give that this might not be a good idea will be met with hard pushback/retrenchment.

Although I would wonder if maybe you could say congrats and maybe try to open a conversation in some way asking how they ended up getting back together after breaking up? Maybe that could open the door to you later on saying that he might want to pump the brakes a bit?

I converted in HS/college and so I never went on a mission or really was around anyone who was, so I just do not understand the feelings that come with it, but I can see why after 2 years in isolation you feel like you both want to get married immediately (sex) and that you *have* to get married right away as that is the path... it can work for a lot of people, but it can also lead to a lot of rash decisions such as this.

Good luck whatever you choose!

Meh, do nothing.

We have a distant cousin who did something similar. Got married 3 weeks after returning home from his mission. Their “Eternal Marriage” lasted 49 weeks before they split up and got divorced. Subsequently they both have remarried. She was married the second time after knowing her boyfriend for 3 months. He waited a bit longer and married the first girl he dated post divorce after 4 months.

They (again) have the gospel in common so that should hold them together for eternity this time.

I’ll bet they don’t get married. Sounds like she’s pushing it and could easily find someone else to marry. All it takes is a first date, a soak, and a friend willing to “jump to hump”!

My experience has been that you cannot tell someone they are making a mistake about getting married. I tried to tell my best friend from high school. She just couldn’t hear it, and got pregnant on the honeymoon and divorced before the baby was born. THEN she asked me why I didn’t warn her when I saw all the problem, when she only knew I saw all the problems BECAUSE I tried to warn her. Then both her dad and I tried to warn our oldest daughter. Her best friend, as she was getting into her wedding dress says, “you don’t have to go through with this.”

People who are planning to get married just can’t hear it. First of all, they are usually blinded by love, lust, and loneliness. Second, if they tell the fiancée! “Let’s wait,” the fiancée takes it very badly and often breaks up with them. That was why my daughter felt she couldn’t back out on the wedding day. She knew it would totally end the relationship, even as she knew that her almost husband was too immature for marriage.

What you can do is ask questions that might get them thinking. Such as, asking why they broke up in high school, how marriage right after his mission will affect college, if he knows what he will do for a job.

On the other hand, I have seen several couples very in love while the guy was on his mission, who got back together and just knew within a hour of being together that they didn’t want to be together. My brother came back to his girlfriend, they took one look at each other, and both knew it was over, just like that. So, I married her big brother because we had gotten used to the idea of being sisters in law.

I know missions are all different. But i can't imagine any MP who would encourage his missionaries to even think about girls or marriage until they are released.

I know many missionaries have, however. I think my wife was one of 3 or 4 girls a particular missionary wrote to, while on his mission, proclaiming his love and confirmation from God that they should be wed. Give him credit for effort, I guess. She says she was happy to have at least been the first to get to turn him down. First that you know of, I told her. He was probably just going down the institute roster.

If it was my nephew, I'd probably tell him, wth are you thinking about dude! You're on a mission right now, which is about selfless service to god and the people in your area. Forget about getting married right now. Plenty of time for that later. If she's the right one, she'll still be available.

Excuse my crudeness here: turn away.

He’s clearly tired of jerking off in the mission apartment shower, has grand expectations of marriage upon returning home so he can have sex.

That’s it.

Thanks for coming to my TED talk: why Mormon missionaries think about Marriage while on their mission.

I wouldn’t do anything. It is a learning opportunity. Who knows if it will really happen anyway.
One thing I learned on my mission was the longer I was out, the more attractive girls/women became to me.