An alternate perspective on marriage
Posted: Sat May 29, 2021 6:19 pm
Thought I’d share my story after occasionally lurking for the last 7 years or so. I see a lot of you struggling with mixed faith marriages to TBM spouses and feeling trapped and tied to a cult you can never escape.
I can offer a different perspective that a lot of time and distance and unique circumstances have afforded.
I achieved (Almost) complete freedom from the cult of Mormonism but it didn’t come cheap or easy or without great sacrifice.
I was born under the so-called covenant and grew up knowing no other world view. While I struggled with inactivity as a young adult and didn’t serve a mission, I found my footing in the church in my 20s and became a scholar in all things TBM lol. Went to a YSA ward and married a faithful sister in the temple which was really the only goal of being in a YSA ward as many of you know. In a heavy Mormon area we were led to believe that WHERE you got married was way more important in the eternal scheme than WHO you married. We got along well enough we thought. After all the church leaves you little spare time or energy when done right to really delve into personal relationships. Sure there was lots of lip service paid to strengthening families and marriage but when the husband spends all week outside the home working to support a big and growing family and half the weekend or more filling church leadership callings—-what time is there for marital bonding? And what time there is involves family prayer and scripture study so you don’t always get a real person warts and all.
Anyway I went through my shelf breaking faith crisis like all of you and stopped believing. I had been a great debater and a convincing apologetic in my little corner of the church so I found myself in the bishopric, teaching gospel doctrine, and institute at the local university. When my shelf broke I was able to use my powers of persuasion to very quickly lead my then wife out of the church with me. In a matter of months our names and kids names were removed from the records of the church at our request. To many of you struggling and trapped in a mixed faith marriage it would sound like a dream come true. Except it wasn’t.
Not going to point fingers or bash anyone. I became far less judgemental as an ex-member. All I’ll say is that when you marry someone’s testimony and marry with the temple itself as an end goal you don’t really know who you married to until that testimony and all that was wrapped up in it is stripped completely away. You’ve all heard how some TBM’s say they can’t imagine what kind of person they’d be without the gospel and there’s some truth to that—especially where lifers are concerned.
So my short term reward for getting my family out of a pernicious cult of a church was a nasty bitterly contested divorce and the loss of being in my children’s lives full time. Many dark days that led me to the brink of suicide. Again I can’t really elucidate without coming across as bashing an ex-spouse so the less said the better. My point is to be careful what you wish for and be prepared for a hell storm you can’t imagine facing when you had just a TBM spouse. Some people like Jerald and Sandra Tanner can make it through, maybe because they were soulmates with or without the church.
My story did have a happy ending and I wouldn’t change a thing about my past. I met my true soulmate who happened to also be an ex-member of a different organized religion. She made my life complete and introduced me to paganism and the Goddess based earth religion. I’d hardly call it religion though as it’s so much freer than organized religion
I can offer a different perspective that a lot of time and distance and unique circumstances have afforded.
I achieved (Almost) complete freedom from the cult of Mormonism but it didn’t come cheap or easy or without great sacrifice.
I was born under the so-called covenant and grew up knowing no other world view. While I struggled with inactivity as a young adult and didn’t serve a mission, I found my footing in the church in my 20s and became a scholar in all things TBM lol. Went to a YSA ward and married a faithful sister in the temple which was really the only goal of being in a YSA ward as many of you know. In a heavy Mormon area we were led to believe that WHERE you got married was way more important in the eternal scheme than WHO you married. We got along well enough we thought. After all the church leaves you little spare time or energy when done right to really delve into personal relationships. Sure there was lots of lip service paid to strengthening families and marriage but when the husband spends all week outside the home working to support a big and growing family and half the weekend or more filling church leadership callings—-what time is there for marital bonding? And what time there is involves family prayer and scripture study so you don’t always get a real person warts and all.
Anyway I went through my shelf breaking faith crisis like all of you and stopped believing. I had been a great debater and a convincing apologetic in my little corner of the church so I found myself in the bishopric, teaching gospel doctrine, and institute at the local university. When my shelf broke I was able to use my powers of persuasion to very quickly lead my then wife out of the church with me. In a matter of months our names and kids names were removed from the records of the church at our request. To many of you struggling and trapped in a mixed faith marriage it would sound like a dream come true. Except it wasn’t.
Not going to point fingers or bash anyone. I became far less judgemental as an ex-member. All I’ll say is that when you marry someone’s testimony and marry with the temple itself as an end goal you don’t really know who you married to until that testimony and all that was wrapped up in it is stripped completely away. You’ve all heard how some TBM’s say they can’t imagine what kind of person they’d be without the gospel and there’s some truth to that—especially where lifers are concerned.
So my short term reward for getting my family out of a pernicious cult of a church was a nasty bitterly contested divorce and the loss of being in my children’s lives full time. Many dark days that led me to the brink of suicide. Again I can’t really elucidate without coming across as bashing an ex-spouse so the less said the better. My point is to be careful what you wish for and be prepared for a hell storm you can’t imagine facing when you had just a TBM spouse. Some people like Jerald and Sandra Tanner can make it through, maybe because they were soulmates with or without the church.
My story did have a happy ending and I wouldn’t change a thing about my past. I met my true soulmate who happened to also be an ex-member of a different organized religion. She made my life complete and introduced me to paganism and the Goddess based earth religion. I’d hardly call it religion though as it’s so much freer than organized religion
Go forth in the open and lurk no more.
