A So-Called Beloved Daughter
Posted: Tue Apr 06, 2021 4:05 pm
Hi. I'm new here. I have been lurking for a few weeks and I have read other threads that touch upon different things I mention below--so sorry if this is redundant. I just had to express it somewhere before I had a breakdown (my poor husband needs a break).
I’m going to put a disclaimer out there that hopefully this isn’t winded or gets side tracked too often. I have a lot going on with a close family member suddenly passing a week and a half ago and a friend passing last Saturday—that has affected me in an unusual way. It has caused me to reflect over my struggles with church.
When my testimony was strong, about 5 or 6 years ago, I had the sister missionaries over for dinner. Having them over for dinner was a common occurrence; especially since my husband worked late often. They prompted me to ponder questions I would like answers to during General Conference which was coming up soon. I prayed and had a list of questions that I had faith in being answered at conference (I had done this before and received confirmations to previous thoughts and feelings). Conference came and I listened to every talk given even with a toddler and a baby keeping me busy. However, I had no inspiration or felt any questions I had were answered. It was a numbing feeling.
I prayed and read scriptures. Still there was silence.
Since this occurrence my distance has grown from church. I have noticed things that I didn’t notice before with my past in church; having daughters may have also made me more aware.
I remembered more resources, money, and time spent on the young men versus the young women in church activities.
Polygamy being briefly touched upon and explained that there were widows and other elderly women that needed the support this arrangement offered.
Having to talk alone to the Bishop, a middle-aged man, about any transgressions that occurred while going through the repentance process. I was 18 years old.
I know there have been recent changes to address some of these concerns, but I can’t question why did it take so long?
While still wrestling with these questions I stumbled upon D&C 132 about two years ago. I sought better clarification as I was deeply disturbed by the doctrine that was never addressed in any church lesson I attended. The more I read articles on the lds.org (now churchofjesuschrist.org) the more heartbroken I became. I felt heartbroken for Emma. What kind of loving father could do that to a so-called beloved daughter? I felt lost and how could I trust God or a prophet.
After this going to church meetings and participating in my YW calling became difficult.
At some point during my struggle my husband and I were asked to meet with the Bishop. Of course, we had no idea why. It was during this meeting the Bishop said he was seeking ways to help my mom to get to the temple. Since I was not endowed and did not have garments he thought that I might could do this with my mother. I politely declined (due to past mental turmoil with my mother this is something I could not emotionally handle; also, I had received confirmation a long time ago this is something I would wait to do with my husband when he was ready). The Bishop tried pressuring me a few more times until he noticed my husband’s rigid posture (he has some unfortunate interactions with higher authority members from his has past which already made him on guard with meeting with the Bishop). He finally backed off and apologized. I felt as he was trying to use his “authority” to coerce me. It made me feel uncomfortable and belittled.
Every time the Bishop attended any activity and reminded us how special and strong the YW are or one of the bishopric dropped into one of our classes—I felt suffocated. Their intention was probably to show support, but all I could feel was this was just another way to reinsure the patriarchy.
I tried seeking answers and comfort in the Fall 2019 General Conference. When Dallin H. Oaks was giving a talk and referenced a question he received from a LDS woman. She asked: Would she have her own house in the hereafter or would she have to live with her husband and his first wife?
The audience responded with a guffaw. At this point I checked out of conference having no desire to hear anything else. How disheartening that we are told to just trust the lord and other saints laugh at someone else’s anguish.
By the time COVID hit and church meetings were put on hold I felt relief. For the past year I felt like I could breath with the distance. I still participated in some Zoom activities with YW, but overall felt better having some distance from church.
With church starting to go back to in house meetings some of my anxiety started to resurface. I decided to try and read D&C 132 again. The more I researched the more distraught I have become at new information I have come across. It has brought more questions I did not have before and has further strained my relationship with God, priesthood, and prophets.
A week and a half ago my aunt died unexpectedly and then a friend struggling with a terminal cancer passed away over the weekend. Of course, this is heartbreaking, but I have remained strong and supportive for my family. What has saddened me more is the hopelessness I have in feeling I cannot even pray to God for comfort.
I feel betrayed by God. How could I trust that I am a beloved daughter of his? Maybe I am beloved, but not as loved as his sons. I constantly hear priesthood holders praise women, tell us we are beloved daughters, and both men and women are equal—but history and actions speak louder than words.
Every time I hear a church leader state we are a beloved daughters I feel like screaming. It comes across as forced reassurance since church doctrine, the leading of most meetings, and most callings can only be held by priesthood holders—which are exclusively men.
I feel betrayed and heart broken. I have lost all trust in God and church leaders.
I was going to try and to listen to conference, but I could not find it in me to try (I might try reading the talks once they are available online).
Some more detailed issues I am struggling with:
Joseph Smith said he received revelation from God that he needed to practice polygamy and if Emma didn’t support this and be faithful, then “she shall be destroyed” and to be exempt from the law of Sarah if the first wife doesn’t agree.
Where is Emma’s agency? Either accept this or be cast of from God? What is the point of marriage? The plan of happiness? It feels like a lie.
Joseph publicly denied practicing polygamy and Emma didn’t even know who he was married to (recently discovered this tidbit)
Brigham Young disbanded the Relief Society
Polygamy was ended by Woodruff Wilson around the same time U.S. Congress renewed its attack on polygamy by disincorporating the church and seizing its assets
The temple still allows living men to be sealed to more than one woman following divorce or becoming a widower; however, a woman can only be sealed to more than one spouse if she is deceased
Also, if divorced a woman’s ex-husband has to be involved to remove the sealing
I let curiosity get the best of me an read the temple endowment/sealing ceremonies; both the one from before and after 2019
Did it really take until 2019 for woman to be a little more equal to men in the ceremony? Satan had more speaking parts than Eve? The so revered mother of all.
I don’t want my daughters to ever feel that they are second class members. I don’t see how I can ever feel more than this until the doctrine changes and we are no longer a Patriarchy.
I am at an impasse.
I’m going to put a disclaimer out there that hopefully this isn’t winded or gets side tracked too often. I have a lot going on with a close family member suddenly passing a week and a half ago and a friend passing last Saturday—that has affected me in an unusual way. It has caused me to reflect over my struggles with church.
When my testimony was strong, about 5 or 6 years ago, I had the sister missionaries over for dinner. Having them over for dinner was a common occurrence; especially since my husband worked late often. They prompted me to ponder questions I would like answers to during General Conference which was coming up soon. I prayed and had a list of questions that I had faith in being answered at conference (I had done this before and received confirmations to previous thoughts and feelings). Conference came and I listened to every talk given even with a toddler and a baby keeping me busy. However, I had no inspiration or felt any questions I had were answered. It was a numbing feeling.
I prayed and read scriptures. Still there was silence.
Since this occurrence my distance has grown from church. I have noticed things that I didn’t notice before with my past in church; having daughters may have also made me more aware.
I remembered more resources, money, and time spent on the young men versus the young women in church activities.
Polygamy being briefly touched upon and explained that there were widows and other elderly women that needed the support this arrangement offered.
Having to talk alone to the Bishop, a middle-aged man, about any transgressions that occurred while going through the repentance process. I was 18 years old.
I know there have been recent changes to address some of these concerns, but I can’t question why did it take so long?
While still wrestling with these questions I stumbled upon D&C 132 about two years ago. I sought better clarification as I was deeply disturbed by the doctrine that was never addressed in any church lesson I attended. The more I read articles on the lds.org (now churchofjesuschrist.org) the more heartbroken I became. I felt heartbroken for Emma. What kind of loving father could do that to a so-called beloved daughter? I felt lost and how could I trust God or a prophet.
After this going to church meetings and participating in my YW calling became difficult.
At some point during my struggle my husband and I were asked to meet with the Bishop. Of course, we had no idea why. It was during this meeting the Bishop said he was seeking ways to help my mom to get to the temple. Since I was not endowed and did not have garments he thought that I might could do this with my mother. I politely declined (due to past mental turmoil with my mother this is something I could not emotionally handle; also, I had received confirmation a long time ago this is something I would wait to do with my husband when he was ready). The Bishop tried pressuring me a few more times until he noticed my husband’s rigid posture (he has some unfortunate interactions with higher authority members from his has past which already made him on guard with meeting with the Bishop). He finally backed off and apologized. I felt as he was trying to use his “authority” to coerce me. It made me feel uncomfortable and belittled.
Every time the Bishop attended any activity and reminded us how special and strong the YW are or one of the bishopric dropped into one of our classes—I felt suffocated. Their intention was probably to show support, but all I could feel was this was just another way to reinsure the patriarchy.
I tried seeking answers and comfort in the Fall 2019 General Conference. When Dallin H. Oaks was giving a talk and referenced a question he received from a LDS woman. She asked: Would she have her own house in the hereafter or would she have to live with her husband and his first wife?
The audience responded with a guffaw. At this point I checked out of conference having no desire to hear anything else. How disheartening that we are told to just trust the lord and other saints laugh at someone else’s anguish.
By the time COVID hit and church meetings were put on hold I felt relief. For the past year I felt like I could breath with the distance. I still participated in some Zoom activities with YW, but overall felt better having some distance from church.
With church starting to go back to in house meetings some of my anxiety started to resurface. I decided to try and read D&C 132 again. The more I researched the more distraught I have become at new information I have come across. It has brought more questions I did not have before and has further strained my relationship with God, priesthood, and prophets.
A week and a half ago my aunt died unexpectedly and then a friend struggling with a terminal cancer passed away over the weekend. Of course, this is heartbreaking, but I have remained strong and supportive for my family. What has saddened me more is the hopelessness I have in feeling I cannot even pray to God for comfort.
I feel betrayed by God. How could I trust that I am a beloved daughter of his? Maybe I am beloved, but not as loved as his sons. I constantly hear priesthood holders praise women, tell us we are beloved daughters, and both men and women are equal—but history and actions speak louder than words.
Every time I hear a church leader state we are a beloved daughters I feel like screaming. It comes across as forced reassurance since church doctrine, the leading of most meetings, and most callings can only be held by priesthood holders—which are exclusively men.
I feel betrayed and heart broken. I have lost all trust in God and church leaders.
I was going to try and to listen to conference, but I could not find it in me to try (I might try reading the talks once they are available online).
Some more detailed issues I am struggling with:
Joseph Smith said he received revelation from God that he needed to practice polygamy and if Emma didn’t support this and be faithful, then “she shall be destroyed” and to be exempt from the law of Sarah if the first wife doesn’t agree.
Where is Emma’s agency? Either accept this or be cast of from God? What is the point of marriage? The plan of happiness? It feels like a lie.
Joseph publicly denied practicing polygamy and Emma didn’t even know who he was married to (recently discovered this tidbit)
Brigham Young disbanded the Relief Society
Polygamy was ended by Woodruff Wilson around the same time U.S. Congress renewed its attack on polygamy by disincorporating the church and seizing its assets
The temple still allows living men to be sealed to more than one woman following divorce or becoming a widower; however, a woman can only be sealed to more than one spouse if she is deceased
Also, if divorced a woman’s ex-husband has to be involved to remove the sealing
I let curiosity get the best of me an read the temple endowment/sealing ceremonies; both the one from before and after 2019
Did it really take until 2019 for woman to be a little more equal to men in the ceremony? Satan had more speaking parts than Eve? The so revered mother of all.
I don’t want my daughters to ever feel that they are second class members. I don’t see how I can ever feel more than this until the doctrine changes and we are no longer a Patriarchy.
I am at an impasse.
Hang in there, and please keep us updated on how you're doing. -- Wndr.