NOM

WARNING - Long Post.

As a TBM I, along with my wife, insisted that our family have daily scripture study. We diligently read out loud from our own scriptures when our oldest kids were still babies. When they got old enough to sit for short stories we began reading to them from the Scripture Stories series of books, starting with the BoM.

We were naively shocked when at a young age, our kids had honed in on the lessons and pages where someone got burned to death or beheaded for doing good, or pictures of Ammon ready to chop off bags of arms. They had been largely shielded from violence, but the latched onto it quick when it came from the scriptures.

As our kids got older, we have struggled somewhat to have scripture study be meaningful for all age groups. The older kids were bored to death of the comic-like scripture stories, while the younger kids couldn't read or understand actual scripture. But we did our best.

Fast forward some more years and my shelf has broken completely. If not for my DW/family I would have left the church years ago. But I committed to supporting her, and much of our... social/financial standing... is dependent on our ward and stake relationships. As you all know, despite a complete lack of faith in anything Mormon, I have still been fulfilling my calling commitments as a bishopric counselor and now EQP.

Through all of that, we have continued nightly family scripture study. It wasn't so bad two years ago while going through the New Testament. The BoM was significantly worse, but I still managed to find a few ideas or principles that I agreed with and we managed some decent discussions. All the while I referred to the "stories" and "characters" of the BoM. A couple of times, I pointed out that there was no evidence of BoM events, like Ammon guarding flocks of sheep when there were no herded sheep in the American continent. DW would often cut those conversations short and end scripture study there.

But this year... studying D&C. I just CAN'T do it.

I purposely avoided contributing much to discussions this past week as DW taught about JS's youth - how he valiantly turned down alcohol and braved the painful surgery with only his father's arms around him, etc. One night, she chose to read the verses from D&C 1 that refer to the church as the "...only true and living church upon the face of the whole earth..." Thankfully, she focused on the "living" part and deliberately left out the "true" part during the discussion. I chimed in that, to me, a living organization could be any organization that motivated you to do/be better. If it actively helped you in your life, then to you, it is living. DW agreed, and ended the conversation.

That brings us to last night. DW proclaimed that she had led scripture study every night this week and it was now my turn. I couldn't find anything in D&C 1 that I felt good sharing, so I went to the D&C Scripture Stories kids book. DW had already ready chapter 1, which put me on chapter 2 - The First Vision.

I immediately set about finding something else, anything else, to contribute but came up blank and kids were breaking down. I gave in and let the kids know what I was about to read. I mentioned that there are multiple versions of the first vision, and that this coming week we would spend time talking about the background to the first vision as well as the multiple accounts and their differences. DW objected - "They're too young for so much detail." I acknowledged that I could keep it at their level and started to read.

While reading I tried to filter out some of the blatant spin. I skipped mention of Satan altogether because that story caused many nights of crying and nightmares when one of our oldest was still young. I finally got to the part where God and JC appear to JS.... and I couldn't do it. I literally started crying.

I know what you're thinking. It was NOT the spirit.

I was hurting. I felt like I was lying to my kids. I felt... trapped. I couldn't breathe, and my heart was pounding like crazy.

DW asked if I was okay. I gave her the book and told her I couldn't do it. She read the rest of the story verbatim to the kids.

After the kids were in bed, we talked briefly. I told her I felt like I was lying to them. She acknowledged that they might think I've been lying to them someday themselves. She agreed that I should tell them where I am at sooner rather than later. I also committed to creating some outlines of topics we could discuss during the week in place of fust following the Come Follow Me plan.

DW has been surprisingly supportive on those last points.

I am excited about frank family discussions on actual church history. But I don't quite know how to approach it with our kids raning in age from 3 to 11. DW is right, I can't flood them with dates and names. They won't care whether the Palmyra revival happend in 1820 or 1824. They won't really care that Lucy said Nephi visited JS in his room to tell him that no churches were true. Or that in JS's 1832 FV account he already knew no church were true and instead only wanted personal forgiveness from the singular "Lord."

I am struggling because I also see this as an opportunity to engage DW in some form of discussion about real history rather than "church history." She usually just avoids those discussions because she "hasn't had time to study" even one book in the past 5 years.

And there it is. Blah.

This makes me sad,then it makes me angry. You're a person too; with feelings, beliefs, and values. Why does the partner undergoing the faith transition always have to be subservient to the TBM partner and force himself/herself to buckle under to the lockstep structure that the TBM wants to impose?

Your wife doesn't want to lead scripture study, but she wants you to lead scripture study exactly the way that she directs it. You have to read the D&C exactly in chapter order, because that is according to what has always been done in scripture study, and everyone must walk in lockstep. ( I'm being sarcastic, but the rigidity of scripture study is something that no one ever questions).

If the purpose of having scripture study is to provide religious education and focus on helping kids to do better/ be better, then there must be some way to negotiate some kind of innovation to the scripture study curriculum. For example, if you're okay with Bible stories or New Testament stories, then on your night, go back and read the New Testament stories again, or Old Testament, or any Bible stories, and on her night, she can read from the
D and C. Then you can talk about the values or ideas in both books.You find a book that you want to read, and she can read from D&C.

For example - Daniel had faith that God would be good and would release him from the lion's den. ( You don't have to add the violent part where the king says that those who conspired against Daniel should be thrown to lions).
Joseph had faith from the first vision that God would bestow blessings if he remained faithful. Each story has more or less the same moral -- or you can tell it in such a way that your kids can see the common value - faith in God brings blessings, etc.

Figure out a way to do something totally innovative and creative so that you both can be comfortable. The purpose of scripture study is to bring the family together at the end of the day for an uplifting message or to express gratitude, or inspiration, or positive values.
Frankly, she's fortunate that you want to participate at all. A lot of people whose shelves have broken don't want to have anything to do with scripture study.

They're your kids too !!! Figure out something that you're comfortable with, that she can go along with also. You might have to think totally out of the box, but find something that works your way. I'd cry too if I had to read lies about the first vision to children. You should not have to put yourself through that stress. Just a suggestion. Best wishes, from Wndr.

I’m going to be studying D$C this year with TBM DW and am hoping to learn more about DC.

graey, I’ve been where you are.

Here’s how I coped with it.

I realized the wife wanted me to lead the study and follow the lesson. So I took charge, started the process, then 5 minutes in started asking the kids questions and let it get derailed. I always let the kids talk and threw in the lessons I felt were important regarding building character, honesty, etc.

I was worried that I would end up inoculating my own kids to the point that they knew the same issues but weren’t effected by them because they heard them from a young age forward. That’s a real concern.

The key is to dilute.

When the wife complained I asked if she wanted to take over. She never did and learned to love the family discussion time.

Here’s the thing. You don’t have to follow the script ever. Just do the things that your family enjoys together. End it with a nice treat and laughter.

That’s what the “gospel” is all about.

Thanks guys,

Red Ryder wrote: ↑Mon Jan 04, 2021 11:26 am I was worried that I would end up inoculating my own kids to the point that they knew the same issues but weren’t effected by them because they heard them from a young age forward. That’s a real concern.

The key is to dilute.

When the wife complained I asked if she wanted to take over. She never did and learned to love the family discussion time.

Here’s the thing. You don’t have to follow the script ever. Just do the things that your family enjoys together. End it with a nice treat and laughter.

That’s what the “gospel” is all about.

Thank you RR for your input. I share the same fear of accidentally inoculating my kids against truth and critical thinking. I will shortly be coming clean with all of them about my state of belief. The church is a church like most others. It is not God's one and only. It is not any more true than any other. It has some good and some bad. I think if kid's start at that point and have any amount of critical thought themselves, no amount of whitewashing will be able to bind them to an orthodox belief.

Or so I hope.

Also be aware of shitting your own bed.

Having once lived in your state, I know that for most Mormons your social circle is the church.

I’m a big fan of not telling anyone about your change in beliefs and Just letting people assume whatever they want. There’s less damage to the social circle. The slow fade is a perfectly acceptable option especially if you can work to build a new social circle outside of your Mormon one.

I think the worst place to find yourself and your family is “caught in between”.

This easily happens when you announce your unbelief and all mormon friendships evaporate overnight yet you haven’t learned how to develop new relationships outside of the church.

Remember, it’s extremely easy to make Mormon friends. You just move into a new ward, wear the funny underwear, a white shirt and tie, and attend on Sunday. That first week you’ll have made 100 new friendships and acquaintances.

After leaving the church, you have to figure out how to lose the squeaky clean image that people consider weird, while navigating uncomfortable new situations like being comfortable around social drinking, normal male/female non-sexual interactions, and finding interesting things to discuss other than your latest scripture reading and expectations for general conference weekend. It’s hard to do when you grew up in a bubble.

Is your wife willing to attend other churches? For the social and community aspect? Many women find a solid friend group in other churches where they can socialize without the Mormon judgement and high demand of participation. My brother left the church and they have found life after Mormonism in a Baptist church. Not for the religious aspect but for the kids social life and friendships.

Good luck with the kids discussion.