NOM

Coffee or tea? Which one ranks higher or lower on the LDS holiness index? Which one was most valiant in the Heaven War?

Coffee is better. The early members were European thus they brought tea habits along with them...incidentally, tea is also considered one of the healthiest drinks on earth.

Tea and (medical) pot are both holier than coffee.

Silly Penguin!

Everyone knows wheat is the holy plant of Holies!

And what about tobacco? Where was it during the war in heaven? Got any sick cattle up there? Perhaps a bruised ego?

Don't forget olive oil, that shit literally heals the sick!

Gopher wood. It saved 8 souls so that humanity could continue on Earth after the great flood.

I think this is the proper order of drinks within the LDS worldview:

Hellish

Strong drinks (anything your Jackmormon cousin can't buy at Smith's - Mormons can't distinguish between the different types, they're all "booze")
Beer
Coffee (Mormon brains have no category for iced coffee, so it just floats around randomly on the upper part of this list)
Decaffeinated coffee (appearance of evil)
Black Tea
Green Tea
Ice Tea/Arnold Palmer (not a hot drink but still kinda evil)
Apple beer (appearance of evil)
Red Bull
Caffeinated soda
Caffeinated diet soda
Decaf soda
Decaf diet soda
Sunny D, Prune Juice, and other stuff you can concentrate from fruit
Wine (actually grape juice if the Bible were translated correctly) because it's what Jesus drank
Kool-Aid
Sacrament water

Heavenly