Observation #4: Under the Microscope

[slavereeno]

Observation #4: You have to be twice as good as an exmormon as you were as a believer to be respected half as much

Ok, sorry Red Ryder but I thought of another one...

Everything an exmormon does is hyper-scrutinized. For example, last time the family was in town, there was an informal gathering of my siblings. I had kids to ferry to and from practice, house work I told DW I would do to prep for our out of town guests and simply couldn't make it. So I bowed out. It got back to me that I shouldn't "shut myself out" and shun the family because of my disaffection. I seriously had to explain that I was simply busy, and even after that, I don't think they believed it.

The clothes you wear, how often you pray, what underwear you wear, if you are ill, if you are hurting financially, physically or mentally, did you go to this gathering, did you not go to that one, did you listen to the devotional, what hobbies you have, how long you stay in the bathroom, how you wear your hair - etc. etc. etc.

Meaning and fault WILL be assigned to all of those things by your believing members and, (in my experience) not in a kind or objective way.

[Linked]

Great string of posts!

I agree with this one, but in my case I think it is worse the other way; I hyper-scrutinize my mormons.

I feel so stressed about how my disaffection impacts my relationships that I am constantly thinking about the possible meaning behind family member's actions. I often find myself imagining someone saying or doing something horrible, and then imagining my righteous indignation. I worry that they want to shun me, and I recognize that part of me wants to shun them.

[slavereeno]

Great string of posts!

I agree with this one, but in my case I think it is worse the other way; I hyper-scrutinize my mormons.

I feel so stressed about how my disaffection impacts my relationships that I am constantly thinking about the possible meaning behind family member's actions. I often find myself imagining someone saying or doing something horrible, and then imagining my righteous indignation. I worry that they want to shun me, and I recognize that part of me wants to shun them.

I believe I do this also, more so now that I have actually started hearing it from their own lips.

I like the idea of turning all of these observations on their head and seeing how they all apply to myself as well.

[Palerider]

Observation #4: You have to be twice as good as an exmormon as you were as a believer to be respected half as much

Ok, sorry Red Ryder but I thought of another one...

Everything an exmormon does is hyper-scrutinized. For example, last time the family was in town, there was an informal gathering of my siblings. I had kids to ferry to and from practice, house work I told DW I would do to prep for our out of town guests and simply couldn't make it. So I bowed out. It got back to me that I shouldn't "shut myself out" and shun the family because of my disaffection. I seriously had to explain that I was simply busy, and even after that, I don't think they believed it.

The clothes you wear, how often you pray, what underwear you wear, if you are ill, if you are hurting financially, physically or mentally, did you go to this gathering, did you not go to that one, did you listen to the devotional, what hobbies you have, how long you stay in the bathroom, how you wear your hair - etc. etc. etc.

Meaning and fault WILL be assigned to all of those things by your believing members and, (in my experience) not in a kind or objective way.

Arghhhh!

Very early in my parents marriage in Utah, my mother could see that they were going to end up spending every Sunday with my dad's folks and that their lives were never going to be their own. My paternal grandparents and aunts and uncles were nosy, interfering, gossipy, envious people. They felt like they were living in a fish bowl.

My mother finally told my dad they were going to move far enough away that they could live their lives on their own terms "or else!" She wasn't having anymore unwelcomed interference.

It sounds like a big deal to actually pull up stakes and move far enough away that one can have peace but then I've always been a very independent person. To me I wouldn't hesitate.

When you say, "The last time the family was in town" how far are you talking about? Like the difference between Bountiful and Provo?

Maybe your work doesn't allow for a move?

Either that or maybe an upfront talk with the extended family about things like "judging" or talking behind someone's back. I might have to say something like, "If you have something to say about me have the guts to say it to my face or keep your damn mouth shut!"

Sounds a little confrontational but I'd want to make sure they got the point.

I'm not usually this confrontational but this sounds like torture.

[Angel]

Everything an exmormon does is hyper-scrutinized.

so... the YW were at the house with a few other ppl from school, and one of the never-mo kids brought tea (not to be rude or rebellious, they did not know, and brought it to be nice - it was really nice tea)... and guess who got pulled aside and accused of serving tea to the YW? ...

[Advocate]

Great post and observations.

Your observations remind me of the idea that many members have that people leave the church or go inactive because they are lazy. As your posts have demonstrated (and most of us have lived), it is definitely harder to live outside the church (mentally) while still playing nice with TBM family. For a lot of people, it would be much easier maintain the appearance of your average church member (i.e. fail to keep commitments, don't do callings well, be a "Sunday Mormon"). If only those still in the church could understand the difficultly of our situation.

[Kishkumen]

Observation #4: You have to be twice as good as an exmormon as you were as a believer to be respected half as much

This depends on whose respect you're seeking.
Seek to respect yourself first. $%# the rest.

Once you're out regarding your apostasy, you'll like be surprised how many people you thought were judgmental TBM are actually pretty cool