Bishopric -> EQP: And I feel.... numb.
Posted: Mon Aug 19, 2019 10:10 am
Again, long. Sorry, this is more-or-less my journal these days.
So, our ward's EQP just moved. He was really a good guy. He grew up engaged in theater and continued to act/sing on stage while he completed a degree in political science. He somehow held a very orthodox religious worldview while somehow maintaining very liberal political standpoint. To me, that seems like a powerful recipe for cognitive dissonance, but if he felt it, he hid it well.
Being in the bishopric I knew about the pending move months in advance. And as a bishopric we compiled a short list of people we recommended to the to SP to replace this man as EQP. We sent in the names more than a month ago... and heard nothing. Yesterday we had a Sunday with no EQP. No big deal, the old counselors took charge and things ran without a hiccup, but our BP was concerned enough to text the SP and ask what was going on. Over that past 3 years as BP counselor I have safely sat back and watched the changes, these callings, go out, somewhat entertained by the drama they inevitably cause, and this one was no different.
After church I had several interviews, and visited a family who had just returned home from the hospital that afternoon before finally getting home around 2:30pm. I had no sooner loosened my tie than a call came from our SP 2nd counselor. He and I have been friends for years and he occasionally calls for non-church things, or even relatively simple church questions (phone calls, look up info, etc.) so I thought nothing about answer the call. But as soon as I picked up and addressed me as "Brother græy" and asked if he could come visit with my wife and I.
Within 30 minutes of the phone call he had come over, assessed my worthiness (he asked one question - "Do you have a temple recommend?"), asked DW and I both to talk about our relationship, and then explained that the SP had received revelation that despite our recommendations, I was the next EQP for our ward.
I just sat there, stunned. I was supposed to be "safe" from this kind of thing. Bishopric members are off limits for this stuff, aren't they!?
He asked if I would accept that calling, and I had to sit and think for a minute. I wanted to say no. I wanted to tell him that I do not have the testimony, faith, motivation, or any other qualification to fulfill something like this. But I couldn't. If I said no, I'd have to explain. If I opened up right there, it would likely mean being released from my current calling anyway, and possibly with little to no say over the narrative. I tried to find a way out. I stalled by asking him (almost as a joke) if he had cleared this with our BP.
And then I looked at my wife.
She was silently staring at the floor and almost, I thought, on the verge of tears. I couldn't do it to her.
I hesitantly said I could accept the calling.
SP2 smiled and told me to pick my counselors. I need to get him names by Tuesday night. We joked again about the possibility of calling BP as my counselor. He told me not to think of this as a demotion. Getting the right person into the calling was the highest priority for SP and he "knew" it was me. That wasn't comforting.
I consider myself to be very loyal; probably loyal to a fault. One part of me feels like I'm leaving my team in bishopric. Another small part of me is elated to be done asking people to speak in sacrament and extend callings. But mostly I feel numb. I'm not nervous. I do feel inadequate, but not in the way your supposed to feel inadequate. Only that I won't ever recommend people go to the temple, or pay tithing. I can't stand most of the GC talks that are used almost exclusively as EQ lessons. I don't believe JS was a prophet like we generally talk about him at church. Brigham Young was even worse. While I can accept that most church leaders have been genuine and done the best they could with what they had, I don't think they were prophets, seers, or revelators, in any sense of the word.
I don't think I am capable of teaching or testifying in the way they expect. I told DW as much and she only replied she thinks this calling could be "good for me." She tried to explain that I could reach out to those that are struggling with similar questions. But I think she is hoping that in doing so, my own issues will eventually be resolved.
So here I am. Almost 24 hours later. Not really sad to leave the bishopric. Not excited at all to be in EQ. I feel, nothing.
So, our ward's EQP just moved. He was really a good guy. He grew up engaged in theater and continued to act/sing on stage while he completed a degree in political science. He somehow held a very orthodox religious worldview while somehow maintaining very liberal political standpoint. To me, that seems like a powerful recipe for cognitive dissonance, but if he felt it, he hid it well.
Being in the bishopric I knew about the pending move months in advance. And as a bishopric we compiled a short list of people we recommended to the to SP to replace this man as EQP. We sent in the names more than a month ago... and heard nothing. Yesterday we had a Sunday with no EQP. No big deal, the old counselors took charge and things ran without a hiccup, but our BP was concerned enough to text the SP and ask what was going on. Over that past 3 years as BP counselor I have safely sat back and watched the changes, these callings, go out, somewhat entertained by the drama they inevitably cause, and this one was no different.
After church I had several interviews, and visited a family who had just returned home from the hospital that afternoon before finally getting home around 2:30pm. I had no sooner loosened my tie than a call came from our SP 2nd counselor. He and I have been friends for years and he occasionally calls for non-church things, or even relatively simple church questions (phone calls, look up info, etc.) so I thought nothing about answer the call. But as soon as I picked up and addressed me as "Brother græy" and asked if he could come visit with my wife and I.
Within 30 minutes of the phone call he had come over, assessed my worthiness (he asked one question - "Do you have a temple recommend?"), asked DW and I both to talk about our relationship, and then explained that the SP had received revelation that despite our recommendations, I was the next EQP for our ward.
I just sat there, stunned. I was supposed to be "safe" from this kind of thing. Bishopric members are off limits for this stuff, aren't they!?
He asked if I would accept that calling, and I had to sit and think for a minute. I wanted to say no. I wanted to tell him that I do not have the testimony, faith, motivation, or any other qualification to fulfill something like this. But I couldn't. If I said no, I'd have to explain. If I opened up right there, it would likely mean being released from my current calling anyway, and possibly with little to no say over the narrative. I tried to find a way out. I stalled by asking him (almost as a joke) if he had cleared this with our BP.
And then I looked at my wife.
She was silently staring at the floor and almost, I thought, on the verge of tears. I couldn't do it to her.
I hesitantly said I could accept the calling.
SP2 smiled and told me to pick my counselors. I need to get him names by Tuesday night. We joked again about the possibility of calling BP as my counselor. He told me not to think of this as a demotion. Getting the right person into the calling was the highest priority for SP and he "knew" it was me. That wasn't comforting.
I consider myself to be very loyal; probably loyal to a fault. One part of me feels like I'm leaving my team in bishopric. Another small part of me is elated to be done asking people to speak in sacrament and extend callings. But mostly I feel numb. I'm not nervous. I do feel inadequate, but not in the way your supposed to feel inadequate. Only that I won't ever recommend people go to the temple, or pay tithing. I can't stand most of the GC talks that are used almost exclusively as EQ lessons. I don't believe JS was a prophet like we generally talk about him at church. Brigham Young was even worse. While I can accept that most church leaders have been genuine and done the best they could with what they had, I don't think they were prophets, seers, or revelators, in any sense of the word.
I don't think I am capable of teaching or testifying in the way they expect. I told DW as much and she only replied she thinks this calling could be "good for me." She tried to explain that I could reach out to those that are struggling with similar questions. But I think she is hoping that in doing so, my own issues will eventually be resolved.
So here I am. Almost 24 hours later. Not really sad to leave the bishopric. Not excited at all to be in EQ. I feel, nothing.
