NOM

This is really long and rambling, and I don’t really have any problems or need any solutions. It is just something that’s been on my mind…

Several years ago I was asked to do some missionary work at the temple and was partnered with a new woman in the ward, Jessica (not a real name). Jessica is the envy of all the women in the ward. I know many women who will talk endlessly on how bad they are because they can't live up to Jessica's standards. She is beautiful, her husband is attractive, a large family, she’s talented, they live in a fantastic house, and she does amazing things.

At the temple a couple with a young child approached us; they were from the other side of the metro area (the place that’s always featured on the nightly news and not in a good way). They had just joined the church and were so excited to go to the temple soon. We made small talk and when they left us, Jessica turned to me and said something to the effect that, “People like that aren’t good enough for the temple. The temple/Lord’s house deserves better.” The Jessica illusion disappeared, and I’ve always wondered about the woman behind the mask since.

This year I had her twins in my Primary class. One of them is a real handful, the kind of kid who is difficult to love and doesn’t want you to love him and does everything he can to stop you. Bouncing off the walls. Physically touching other kids.Talking back. Saying difficult things. Over the course of the year he’s said some odd things in class. Things like:

“I’m a bad kid.”
“My teachers at school say I’m bad.”
“I don’t like my mom.”
“My dad was going to name me something better, but I got stuck with this name (his mom's choice).”

Meanwhile, Jessica has been doing AMAZING things that again make her the envy of every woman I know, but my husband, who is much more social than I am, has heard some of Jessica’s neighbors hint that the family is neglectful of the kids in their pursuit of excellence. Someone remarked upon some marriage and/or financial issues. And now their family is making a major move across country that has some odd components to it.

On his last Sunday the kid sat next to me in Primary and put his head in my lap and had me rub his back for an hour. Extremely unusual, but I let it go. If he was happy, I was happy - easiest Sunday I've had in months. At one point, I noticed a lot of scabs/marks/sores on his arm. It was a very large patch, all open sores like mosquito bites are when scratched too much. I asked what it was, and he shrugged it off and said nothing. He always talks about falling off his bike or out of a tree so I didn’t think too much about it.

In class, he pulled up his pant leg and started scratching his legs, and both of his entire legs as well as both his arms were covered in these sores. It wasn’t like chicken pox, where it was distributed everywhere, it was more patches of these oozing marks in different places. His twin had none of these. Again, I didn’t give it much thought. In fact, I forgot about it.

Later while researching something for work I came across an article about children self-harming by scratching and I thought of Jessica’s kid. Now I don’t know if that’s what this is. I know he’s a highly strung and sensitive kid, and having had him in class and known his family I think he feels a lot of anxiety and stress, particularly as this was right before the cross-country move. It could be he got a rash. Or maybe he’s stressed out and it’s atopic dermatitis. I don’t know.

I don’t even really know why I’m posting this, except I keep turning it around in my head. The importance of LDS perfection, the illusion we give each other, the lengths we go to keep up appearances to ward members, to hide authenticity...I wonder what the casualties are.

I see some of these young kids who are already suffering so greatly for not being what the LDS culture/church wants them to be. This kid’s parents have it figured out and play it beautifully, but that poor kid. That poor, poor kid.

I have a relative who teaches first grade and told me even that he can see which kids are going to have a really difficult road ahead and which kids probably won’t ever graduate. I feel like I’m seeing the same things with kids at church, and while some NOMs and ex-mos might think that it’s good that these kids aren’t going to make it (to the temple, LDS exaltation, etc), the path these kids are on is a painful one. It seems that if I wait 10-15 years I’ll read Jessica’s kid's posting on exmormon reddit, one of those terrible stories of a troubled and neglected childhood because the church and church culture were so important.

Anyway, just some musings.

I don't really have any kind of solution, but I wanted to say thank you for sharing. It reminded me of the hidden struggles everyone has to face and overcome, and how we should be careful to judge others. Sometimes everyone needs a helping hand, even the annoying kid in primary class. I currently teach primary as well and have some ugly class dynamics between some of the kids I would like to improve.

It's hard to see inside the half open windows of someone's life, especially the life of a child, and see pain, but know there is little if anything you can do for the person; all the while wondering if you truly have a grasp of the situation or not. I won't go into specifics, but I am VERY familiar with this burden. As for me, I just try to take these experiences as motivation to do my best to pursue more compassion, more patience, more kindness, and more goodness to give to humanity.

I can give you a psychological profile on the mother. She is a perfectionist who is masking her deep sense of inferiority by trying to be perfect. She thinks nothing less than perfection is good enough for God, and because that is so unattainable, she feels terrible about herself. Her harsh judgement of others is an attempt to feel a little better about herself by judging others as so much worse than herself. She will be emotionally abusive to her children, harshly punishing imperfections and mistakes. She will hold them to impossibly high standards. She probably thinks giving her children praise will make them think they are good enough as they are and they do not need to keep trying, so, even when she or her kids do a great job, she will not give them praise or recognize their efforts.

Most likely the boy is self harming by scratching. The scratching is not purposeful self harm like cutting which is a conscious attempt to cause pain, but more like an unconscious nervous habit that has a calming effect, especially when it creates pain. My mother was this way, and I did it. (Funny, when I was counselor to abuse victims, they would catch me scratching and make me stop. I would dig at any bump or skin imperfection, so scabs never healed. And fun and games, I was allergic to band aids, so my parents couldn't keep my scratching fingers away.)

There is not much you can do, except give the boy praise and as much love and acceptance as you can. Emotional abuse can be balanced by love and acceptance from outside the family. You just ignore bad behavior because most likely bad behavior gives him what little attention he ever gets at home, and praise any effort at good behavior. You express faith in him and encourage good behavior. That he allowed you to comfort him by rubbing his back shows that you did everything right and were a good influence. So, pray that he finds more teachers like you, and assure yourself that you did everything that you possibly could for this boy. Reporting emotional abuse to DFS doesn't help. They are too busy trying to save the battered kids to spend much time on the criticized kids.

MerrieMiss wrote: Jessica turned to me and said something to the effect that, “People like that aren’t good enough for the temple. The temple/Lord’s house deserves better.”

Wow! That is a b**chy thing to say.

MerrieMiss wrote:
“My dad was going to name me something better, but I got stuck with this name (his mom's choice).”

Dad's not sounding all that great too. This kid is either hearing his parents fight about his name, or his dad is badmouthing his mom behind her back about her name choices.

MerrieMiss wrote:On his last Sunday the kid sat next to me in Primary and put his head in my lap and had me rub his back for an hour. Extremely unusual, but I let it go. If he was happy, I was happy - easiest Sunday I've had in months.

That's good that he can sense that you are a stable, loving adult, unlike his cra-cra mom.

MerrieMiss wrote: It seems that if I wait 10-15 years I’ll read Jessica’s kid's posting on exmormon reddit, one of those terrible stories of a troubled and neglected childhood because the church and church culture were so important.

Maybe this would be better than him growing up and embracing the screwed up culture and repeating the cycle.

Every time I think to myself, "M my man, isn't it about now you've had enough and need to bail?" I read a story like this and realize how much good can be done if people who recognize the great harm Mormonism can do, and who then try to help the people who can't see the forest for the trees. It's great, Merrie Miss, that you recognized some of the signs of trouble and are trying to help this young man. In or out, this is the kind of stuff we need to be doing as human beings, and hopefully you can show some love to this kid and make his life a little easier, even if it is for a couple of hours on a Sunday, while he deals with his (at least as I read it) narcissitic parents who value their worth to their church more than being good parents. As much as I largely can't stand going on Sunday, I try to make it a point to chat with those who have no friends (well, people like me ) and/or those who look sad or lonely. It's the only thing I can do to make going more palatable in a painful environment.

One of the most profound church meetings was when everyone anonymously wrote a challenge or trial they were facing. As the teacher read it, I was shocked. As a TBM, I took so much at face value. As I've come to realize there are shadow aspects of myself and the church, I'm noticing it more often in others too.

I agree with alas that the mother may be projecting her sense of lack and perfectionism.
Sad for her, her children and others who will feel any degree of her unrealistic standards.
This also reminds me how each child responds uniquely - some take things to heart more.