Now is not the time for "I told you so"
Posted: Fri Apr 05, 2019 5:29 pm
Keeping tabs on r/exmormon during the latest kerfuffle has been interesting and a little saddening.
The first thing I noticed was that almost every post was a variation on the theme "I told you so" or "This isn't enough." I figured that anything like the first theme would be a terrible way to start a discussion with believers, and wrote the following post to offer some friendly advice.
(The second isn't a great way to lead, either, but IMO is better because it involves little to no contempt and is much more important.)
I'm also really tired of the church's eternal War on Them, and how the majority on r/exmormon seems to have accepted the church's terms of engagement. It's heartening that my call for compassion got moderate support, but man... the front page is still mostly about sharpening rhetorical weapons to use against friends and family.
FWIW, I do understand why, and how hard it is to temporarily shelve our feelings. I personally want to grab a few family members by the lapels and shout into their faces that the church's prejudice and discrimination has been putting my daughter through hell. In fact, she's one of the people I want to shout at. It just wouldn't do any good.
*****
Title: PSA: Now is not the time for "I told you so"
Not around your believing friends and family, anyway. Get it all out here, and then approach them with an attitude of compassion.
Remember all the stuff that made no sense but you tried to accept it anyway? And if you couldn't accept it, you'd keep it to yourself? A lot of believers have been doing that about the November 2015 POX. The cognitive dissonance has hurt. It's hurting them now, too. They know very well that the evidence points to the original update having little to nothing to do with revelation, but most find that thought threatening.
The very fact that you think it was wrong and terrible and nothing divine can make their cognitive dissonance worse when they're around you. They might even be mentally prepping for you saying "I told you so" by marshalling counterarguments and erecting emotional defenses.
So don't come out swinging. If it comes up, tell them how happy you are for the change. Hell, bring it up first if you can, say that you're pleased, and then say nothing else about it. If you're lucky, they'll feel safe enough to open up a little and you'll find some more common ground.
Being human is hard. Believers deal with it by being confident that somebody is in charge and has a plan, and that they have insider knowledge. Whenever there's new counterevidence to that, you could become a threat. Approach them accordingly. Show them that you're not.
https://www.reddit.com/r/exmormon/comme ... ld_you_so/
The first thing I noticed was that almost every post was a variation on the theme "I told you so" or "This isn't enough." I figured that anything like the first theme would be a terrible way to start a discussion with believers, and wrote the following post to offer some friendly advice.
(The second isn't a great way to lead, either, but IMO is better because it involves little to no contempt and is much more important.)
I'm also really tired of the church's eternal War on Them, and how the majority on r/exmormon seems to have accepted the church's terms of engagement. It's heartening that my call for compassion got moderate support, but man... the front page is still mostly about sharpening rhetorical weapons to use against friends and family.
FWIW, I do understand why, and how hard it is to temporarily shelve our feelings. I personally want to grab a few family members by the lapels and shout into their faces that the church's prejudice and discrimination has been putting my daughter through hell. In fact, she's one of the people I want to shout at. It just wouldn't do any good.
*****
Title: PSA: Now is not the time for "I told you so"
Not around your believing friends and family, anyway. Get it all out here, and then approach them with an attitude of compassion.
Remember all the stuff that made no sense but you tried to accept it anyway? And if you couldn't accept it, you'd keep it to yourself? A lot of believers have been doing that about the November 2015 POX. The cognitive dissonance has hurt. It's hurting them now, too. They know very well that the evidence points to the original update having little to nothing to do with revelation, but most find that thought threatening.
The very fact that you think it was wrong and terrible and nothing divine can make their cognitive dissonance worse when they're around you. They might even be mentally prepping for you saying "I told you so" by marshalling counterarguments and erecting emotional defenses.
So don't come out swinging. If it comes up, tell them how happy you are for the change. Hell, bring it up first if you can, say that you're pleased, and then say nothing else about it. If you're lucky, they'll feel safe enough to open up a little and you'll find some more common ground.
Being human is hard. Believers deal with it by being confident that somebody is in charge and has a plan, and that they have insider knowledge. Whenever there's new counterevidence to that, you could become a threat. Approach them accordingly. Show them that you're not.
https://www.reddit.com/r/exmormon/comme ... ld_you_so/