NOM

Hello everyone!

I haven’t been around as much on here— trying to test out what normal life is like without stressing about the church, what makes it right/wrong/whatever. I’ll try to keep this short.

I’ve lived in Utah my whole life, I’ve lived under my true-believing parents roof my whole life. I’m in my early 20s, at the point where the bulk of the Mormon people my age are either already married or just getting off missions. I’m still in the Mormon closet, so to speak, where no one knows I don’t believe anymore except for my nonmember friends.

So, out comes the opportunity for me to leave Utah. One of my friends invited me to come be her roommate in another state on the east coast. She’s living in this house because her grandpa owns it and he is going to live in a rest home. So they need someone to look after the house, and I’m invited to live there. This friend was Christian, but not so much anymore.

My parents first reaction was good. They think it would be a good opportunity to experience the world and try things out on my own. Very supportive. Then my mom talked to my grandma about it, and she definitely doesn’t want me to move away because there’s no Mormons out there. (She grew up in the state where I’m planning to move to).

Then after my mom and grandma talked my mom suddenly wants me to think of my other options, which include college, mission, or moving in with my grandma.

One of the reasons they tried to get me to stay is because Utah is so safe, there’s rape and drugs in the world. Well I looked up the stats and honestly, the crime rate in Kaysville, UT was remarkably worse than the small town I want to move to.

I’m starting to feel guilt— extreme guilt because I’m choosing what they don’t want me to choose. They say, oh we just want you to be happy. Well I already told them what I wanted to do and they’re trying to get me to do anything else.

I’m also really feeling the pressure to go on a mission. I’ve heard numerous times: “I’d rather you just go on a mission then move” from multiple people.
I’m really feeling the pressure to get my endowments taken out. My dad and mom both sat me down right after Christmas to tell me they got personal revelation for me to get the endowment ceremony done. I told them I’d think about it.

I’m feeling smothered. But here’s the thing— I don’t want to move across the country just because I’m trying to get away from my parents. I want to make sure it’s the best decision I can make.

Any attempt I make to do something I want to do gets smothered— I so want to move out of their house already so I can stop feeling like walking on eggshells and anxiety around them. I just want to be myself.

I don’t expect you guys to make this decision for me, but any advice or insight to how I can deal with my family going against my desires, or about moving across the country would be helpful for me.

We’re in this together!

Sounds to me your family/relatives are making this a rather easy decision.

It's your life.
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Edit, how does someone get "personal revelation" for another? That seems to be an oxymoron.

Man, what I wouldn't give to reset life in my early 20's.

My advice to you - When do you want to rip off the bandaid? (warning - It's gonna pull a lot of hairs and really really hurt.)

Welcome back Hopebeat!

This sounds like a really big decision for you. Moving across the country is a big deal, but at the same time it isn't. One thing to keep in mind is that this move is only as permanent as you choose it to be. You can move back to Utah at any time. Also, with the communication technologies around today the world is very small. You will still be in contact with your parents and friends often. Sometimes when I have seemingly huge life decisions it helps me to be able to choose by remembering that changes aren't permanent and may not be as big as I worry they are. That doesn't necessarily mean you should make the move, but don't freak out too much about the magnitude of the decision.

Your family is treating you like a child. This is not surprising, most of your life that has been your relationship. If you want them to stop treating you like a child then making a big decision that they don't agree with that makes you largely independent of them is probably a good start. That would be an adult decision and while it may not be their favorite thing for you to do I think that some part of them would be proud of you for taking that step into adulthood. Of course, you know your family better than I do so this could be very incorrect.

As for what is the best decision, often there is no best decision, and sometimes no decision is the only bad one. Here are a couple questions. What are your life goals (college, career, family, living life freely, building relationships, building memories, etc.)? Does moving across the country further your these goals? Would any other option on the table be better for your life goals? Having a good time in your 20's is something many here wish they would have done, so just doing that for a while is noble in my opinion.

Good luck with your decision, you've got this!

HI Hopebeat

You won't know if you like living across the country until you try it. JMO, but I think you should give it a try. I think you'll find that there are lots of advantages to being your own person and being more independent. But, if it doesn't work out, then it is not the end of the world -- you can move back to Utah. You can always change your mind if you wish. Tell your parents you want to see a bit of the country, you love them, and you'll stay in touch. Test your wings and fly, go and find your life. And please keep us posted on how you're doing. Wndr.

It sent a good idea to move just to get away from your parents, unless of course you get tired of them pressuring you to do everything their way. Sometimes cutting the apron strings has to be done with sharper scissors and is more painful to all involved, because the apron strings are binding you too tightly. From what you wrote, I suspect that your parents will continue to try to control your life until you do something to get away. Mormons are all about free agency, until their child tries to go against their wishes. I have seen this so many times, where parents try to control their child’s life and sometimes it ends up damaging the relationship permanently. So, all things being equal, I would vote for the move, but are all things equal?

What are your life plans? Are you planning on college? Work? Some kind of tech or trade school? Is what you want to do available there? That is the bigger decision that you don’t even mention. Most kids when they leave home the first time are going TO something. They are going to college, they are going on a mission, they are going to tech school, or even they are going to get married. You didn’t mention any plans for your future and how this move might fit into those plans.

Thank you for the responses so far!

It helps to talk to people who get it, lol.

I don’t know for sure what I want to do with my life yet. I’ve been going to college for the past few years, getting a little burnt out from it.

I’ve been told so much about what I SHOULD be doing that I’m not sure what my true desire are.


Singing: ** It’s my LIFE and they DON’T have to get it**

Probably completely and utterly irrelevant to the conversation, but I'm going to say something I never heard "my" parents say:

Follow your dreams.

wtfluff wrote: ↑Wed Jan 23, 2019 5:37 pm Probably completely and utterly irrelevant to the conversation, but I'm going to say something I never heard "my" parents say:

Follow your dreams.

Aww thank you!

How do you plan to support yourself once you get there? What's the job market like in the town?

Once you work that out, I'd say go for it. One of my biggest regrets of being raised Mormon is that I missed out on the adventures and growth I could have had in my 20s because I played it "safe" and stuck to the Mormon life plan. Moves aren't that hard, and you can always move back.

glass shelf wrote: ↑Thu Jan 24, 2019 3:46 am How do you plan to support yourself once you get there? What's the job market like in the town?

Once you work that out, I'd say go for it. One of my biggest regrets of being raised Mormon is that I missed out on the adventures and growth I could have had in my 20s because I played it "safe" and stuck to the Mormon life plan. Moves aren't that hard, and you can always move back.

Oh yeah! My mom talks to me every night trying to get me to follow the Mormon plan, making sure I know “all of my options.” Then she’s telling me how expensive things are and really trying to change my mind. I don’t think parents realize this, but what they’re doing when they act this way is making me not want to tell them anything. Feels unsafe because whatever I say will be used against me as a way for manipulation.

As for a job, I’m calling around to places in the area and I intend to have a job lined up before I leave. I have about 2 weeks to get that worked out then I’m good to go!

glass shelf wrote: ↑Thu Jan 24, 2019 3:46 am How do you plan to support yourself once you get there? What's the job market like in the town?

Once you work that out, I'd say go for it. One of my biggest regrets of being raised Mormon is that I missed out on the adventures and growth I could have had in my 20s because I played it "safe" and stuck to the Mormon life plan. Moves aren't that hard, and you can always move back.

+1

Same here- my biggest regret is when I was 20 I gave in to their pressure and moved across the country (closer to Utah) with my parents instead of staying in college on my own in the state (east coast) where my family had been living. Lots of "could have's" that I will never know.

Go and give it a try and best of luck!

I moved from Utah to the Mid East while in late high school to a semi-rural town. It is a BIG change, but I think you would be in a better life position to make it than I was.

Regarding your grandma's concerns about there being no church in the area, it has been a LONG time since you Grandma grew up. For better or worse, there are congregations most everywhere in the county. I would get on LDS.org and use their meeting locator tool to find the nearest ward to where you are looking to move to. If you can show that there is a ward/branch in the area, you can pop that excuse. It may be a bit of a drive, but this is rural America, everything is a bit of a drive. You don't have to tell them that you are not planning to attend.

My advice. Life is an adventure, go and live it!

glass shelf wrote: ↑Thu Jan 24, 2019 3:46 am How do you plan to support yourself once you get there? What's the job market like in the town?

Once you work that out, I'd say go for it. One of my biggest regrets of being raised Mormon is that I missed out on the adventures and growth I could have had in my 20s because I played it "safe" and stuck to the Mormon life plan. Moves aren't that hard, and you can always move back.

A THOUSAND TIMES THIS^^^^!!!!!

If I could reset back to my 20s, SO MANY things would be VERY different. Now is the time to explore, have fun, learn, discover who you are and want to be. Take advantage of any opportunity to do that!

As others have stated, the easiest route to get people off your back will be to explain how moving there furthers your life (i.e. education, job opportunity, etc.).

If you haven't figured that out yet, you can use the fall back position of saying you need an adventure. It will be helpful to them if you give them a timeline (e.g. I need a break from college, so I'm going there for 6 months. At the end of 6 months I'm going to reassess).

Another good strategy is to pull the revelation card (e.g. I don't know why I'm supposed to move there, but the spirit keeps telling me that I need to be there. Heavenly Father has told me that taking out my endowments is covenant that should not be taken lightly and that I am not in a place in my spiritual growth yet that I am ready for it; I'm working on it, but I'm still young spiritually!).

I think a lot of the concern is that you'll just float along in life, end up pregnant/shacked up, and fritter your life away until one day, 20 years from now, you wake up and regret the time you didn't spend wisely. It's up to you whether floating along in life is time well spent, but I suspect your parents have that worry.

Although I don't know you, one red flag I saw in your post is that you are moving to a "small town". Most young people now days are not moving to small towns, and many are moving from small towns to big cities. I'd be concerned that coming from a fairly populated area you might find the social scene in a small town rather depressing.

Find your dream, live your dream, and good luck!

I moved from Utah across the country to the Eqst side several years ago. My wife and two kids were scared. It turned out to be the best adventure of our lives. We grew much closer together. We learned to count on each other rather than family. It was what we needed.
Best of luck on your decision.

Go for it! I hesitated for so long in my 20s to really break out from the Mormon plan. Then I joined the military and found out to my shock that the world is full of amazing people outside of the church. Also, I currently live on the east coast. Not sure where you’re thinking of going specifically but there is lots of fun stuff to do and so many great people over here. And if you don’t like it, Utah will still be there.

How small of a town is it? Is there a college in that town? Is it primarily a farming community? Is the main shopping center a nearby Walmart and the nightlife a 7-11? What is the unemployment rate?

Being young and having a chance to get out of Kaysville is great. However, you don't want to be bored stiff in your new adventure.