Moving on?
Posted: Tue Jan 08, 2019 3:00 pm
This might be a weird place to post this but it seemed the right spot to me. I don't know if I ever did an introduction on the new NOM...
I've been part of this community a long time now. I've never been a prolific poster but, including old NOM, I believe I've been around for close to a decade. I believe I signed onto NOM around 2010 (different username) and lurked for about a year before that. Life has changed alot lately and I feel like I'm probably ready to move on but maybe I should give one final send off. Besides, I always wonder what happens to those who just fade away without a goodbye. This is pretty much just therapy for me, feel free to read on or not.
This past year has suuucked...my mother died a number of months ago now. It was sudden and unexpected. My father passed over a decade ago. I'm not young anymore but I'm not 'old' either. I've described it as feeling untethered, unanchored, having lost my parents. I know it likely always feels that way...at least based on conversations I've had...but that feeling has hit me hard. My kids were very young when my dad died. I think it affected them in some ways not quite obvious...but telling them their grandma had died was one of the hardest things I've ever done. They were the best TBMs you could ever hope for.
There have been other slings and arrows along the way. The economy sucks, my particular field has been hit hard. We suffered a particularly painful financial setback about a year ago now. None of it is devastating and we count ourselves lucky in many ways but it still hurts.
My extended family is fractured. There are deep wounds that don't directly deal with anything church related. And yet the church without question does add a nice thick layer of dysfunction. A portion is TBM, a portion is not. We seem to have all retreated to our corners with no intention of dealing with each other much again. I barely heard from them over the holidays although to be fair, I didn't make much effort either. A recent big event for someone we felt close to came and went with no invitation (and nope, it wasn't a temple wedding...turns out ex-members can be pretty exclusionary as well).
We've had friends abandon us. We've had previous acquaintances become very uncomfortable in our presence. Of course we've been subject to the typical gossip.
If I were of a different and previous mindset, I would swear someone divine was punishing me.
But of course it's not all bad or even mostly bad.
Thankfully my wife and kids are truly awesome and we've been largely of the same mind on this journey. We've had new friends become part of our lives. There are still plenty of people in the church who are wonderful. I've had opportunities to volunteer in areas that have been much more fulfilling then any church callings.
Yet we still don't feel like we exactly fit in anywhere. We are outsiders, square pegs, the proverbial black sheep.
I even made efforts recently to get more involved in the social aspect of church again for the sake of my kids. It was a big, huge failure. By this point I've had a lot of experience with social anxiety and autistic type behavior. But damn if the Mormon church doesn't seem to produce some of the most socially awkward people I've ever seen...could explain some of my problems...
I couldn't even keep the JWs from giving up on me. They were coming around for a while there and I humored them as I know what it's like to peddle religion. Tried a lot of the Socratic method with them. Never abrasive but trying to ask real questions. And they stopped coming!! Honestly I find it hilarious when I don't think on it too deeply.
But life is hard. I don't just mean personally...life is hard for everyone. I don't fault anyone for putting some stock in something that makes it a little more bearable for them. I'm pretty atheistic but a part of me hopes my parents get to peek in on their grandkids...a part me hopes to see them again, if only with my 'spiritual eyes'. I regret not having certain conversations with my parents, either through circumstance or my own stubbornness.
Anyways, I don't know if I'll ever post here again so...keep standing up for what's true and good all you NOMites...but don't lose your empathy for those walking the path we once did or judge them too harshly for how they try and deal with this truly awful and wonderful existence.
If any of you live in the neighborhood (south of Calgary Canada) or are ever passing through one day, feel free to call in. Peace
I've been part of this community a long time now. I've never been a prolific poster but, including old NOM, I believe I've been around for close to a decade. I believe I signed onto NOM around 2010 (different username) and lurked for about a year before that. Life has changed alot lately and I feel like I'm probably ready to move on but maybe I should give one final send off. Besides, I always wonder what happens to those who just fade away without a goodbye. This is pretty much just therapy for me, feel free to read on or not.
This past year has suuucked...my mother died a number of months ago now. It was sudden and unexpected. My father passed over a decade ago. I'm not young anymore but I'm not 'old' either. I've described it as feeling untethered, unanchored, having lost my parents. I know it likely always feels that way...at least based on conversations I've had...but that feeling has hit me hard. My kids were very young when my dad died. I think it affected them in some ways not quite obvious...but telling them their grandma had died was one of the hardest things I've ever done. They were the best TBMs you could ever hope for.
There have been other slings and arrows along the way. The economy sucks, my particular field has been hit hard. We suffered a particularly painful financial setback about a year ago now. None of it is devastating and we count ourselves lucky in many ways but it still hurts.
My extended family is fractured. There are deep wounds that don't directly deal with anything church related. And yet the church without question does add a nice thick layer of dysfunction. A portion is TBM, a portion is not. We seem to have all retreated to our corners with no intention of dealing with each other much again. I barely heard from them over the holidays although to be fair, I didn't make much effort either. A recent big event for someone we felt close to came and went with no invitation (and nope, it wasn't a temple wedding...turns out ex-members can be pretty exclusionary as well).
We've had friends abandon us. We've had previous acquaintances become very uncomfortable in our presence. Of course we've been subject to the typical gossip.
If I were of a different and previous mindset, I would swear someone divine was punishing me.
But of course it's not all bad or even mostly bad.
Thankfully my wife and kids are truly awesome and we've been largely of the same mind on this journey. We've had new friends become part of our lives. There are still plenty of people in the church who are wonderful. I've had opportunities to volunteer in areas that have been much more fulfilling then any church callings.
Yet we still don't feel like we exactly fit in anywhere. We are outsiders, square pegs, the proverbial black sheep.
I even made efforts recently to get more involved in the social aspect of church again for the sake of my kids. It was a big, huge failure. By this point I've had a lot of experience with social anxiety and autistic type behavior. But damn if the Mormon church doesn't seem to produce some of the most socially awkward people I've ever seen...could explain some of my problems...
I couldn't even keep the JWs from giving up on me. They were coming around for a while there and I humored them as I know what it's like to peddle religion. Tried a lot of the Socratic method with them. Never abrasive but trying to ask real questions. And they stopped coming!! Honestly I find it hilarious when I don't think on it too deeply.
But life is hard. I don't just mean personally...life is hard for everyone. I don't fault anyone for putting some stock in something that makes it a little more bearable for them. I'm pretty atheistic but a part of me hopes my parents get to peek in on their grandkids...a part me hopes to see them again, if only with my 'spiritual eyes'. I regret not having certain conversations with my parents, either through circumstance or my own stubbornness.
Anyways, I don't know if I'll ever post here again so...keep standing up for what's true and good all you NOMites...but don't lose your empathy for those walking the path we once did or judge them too harshly for how they try and deal with this truly awful and wonderful existence.
If any of you live in the neighborhood (south of Calgary Canada) or are ever passing through one day, feel free to call in. Peace