NOM

I’ve thought about posting up a “here’s where I’m at”, but every time I’ve sat down to write up a post, time has slipped away from me. I have also found that boards are a great place to complain and write up the negative (especially for me), but sometimes more difficult to write up the positive things happening in our lives.

Life has been going especially well, lately. About six months ago I finally got myself out of a five or six year funk I have been in. It has been a long time of therapy and depression with two catastrophes during that period of time, my separation from the LDS church and my separation from my wife. Both were devastating to me, but in the end I’ve worked into a great place.

I’m at peace with both. A few days ago my ex-wife and her husband baptized their infant child. For those who don’t know the back story, my ex-wife married my best friend and coworker (he’s the choir director and I’m the organist) at the church. I sat behind the organ as my children celebrated the baptism of their new sister. In the past, when these things have happened, like dropping off my children at the wedding, or bringing the children to meet their new sister, I have felt perpetually on the outside, a profound sadness coming over me. It wasn’t because I missed my wife, but more that the world seems to move on while I sat still. I was the fat kid being picked last for the football game. However, this time I didn’t feel that. I felt at peace and profoundly comfortable on the piano bench while this was going around me. It was a really good experience, and I realized that I had moved on from my divorce entirely.

Part of that moving on means a not-married-but-still-present relationship with my ex-wife. We did a joint family (my mother and her family) Thanksgiving post meet up for wine and pie. I fixed her laptop this week and we have already exchanged gifts for each other to place under our respective trees. Her husband and I (although we never had a falling out) still go to coffee and occasionally dinner together. The relationship is very healthy, and there is no romance nor sexual desire there and the hurt feelings of the past have dissipated. Thus, a friendship and co-parent relationship has formed with open communication. The past is gone, the future is here.

My relationship with the church has gone much the same path. A few times I have gone back to church to attend with family. I don’t have any negative feelings, even sitting in the same pews I did during my disaffection. The anger and frustration at the church is gone. While there are occasional snafus (like my showing some people the funny picture a few days ago), my relationship with the LDS people in my life is positive and me leaving or being apostate isn’t really brought up anymore.

Both have one similarity, having a good relationship with my ex-wife and being at relative peace with the church means that some assume I want to go back to both. I am friends with my ex-wife and will speak well of her, it doesn’t mean I would ever go back. I wouldn’t. I am at peace with the church, and I defend the good just as much as criticize the bad. Some LDS people hear this and assume I still believe deep down, but I would never go back.

Peace has come, and though life will throw more stuff at me in the future, I think I can close the book on those two chapters of my life.

For those wondering, my children are doing as well as well can be in a divorce situation. But since we do a lot of joint things and I get a tremendous amount of visitation (41% total, about 56% of non-school/sleep time), my children seem to be well adjusted and doing well. I don’t date, nor do I wish to. The reduced stress and move out of a five year depression has led to some major life changes, like healthy eating and more exercise, meaning I’m at a really healthy weight and feeling better than ever.

Peace came.

P.S. This isn’t a goodbye, I really like coming here and talking religion and having calm discussion with all of you. While I may defend the church sometimes or criticize, it no longer has feeling attached. I just enjoy it now.

I will say, that with all friendships, there will occasionally be hurt feelings or arguments. While I generally don't argue with my ex-wife, some disagreements do arise. It is much the same with the church, where even though I'm in the good place with it, there will occasionally be annoying Mormon things that arise in my life. Sometimes I cause the problem (as we all do), and sometimes it comes and finds me.

I'm really glad to hear all of this, Document. I remember well a particularly dark moment for you that you shared with the previous board. Feeling myself in some of those dark places, this post gives me hope. Thank you!

I am so happy to hear that you are in a good place right now. I always enjoy your posts, and it inspires hope to have seen your progress from a much harder, darker place to where you are now.

document wrote:
Peace came.

P.S. This isn’t a goodbye, I really like coming here and talking religion and having calm discussion with all of you. While I may defend the church sometimes or criticize, it no longer has feeling attached. I just enjoy it now.

I am so happy for you document. Even though you and I haven't directly communicated, I have watched your story play out over the years and my heart has always gone out to you. You are a great example to me.

That is amazing. I am glad for you. This tells me you are a balanced and mature adult. It takes a lot of work, especially though those 2 significant breakups.

Almost all decisions are made because of emotion, not logic. I am impressed that you have arrived at a place where logic and emotion are both at peace with making the best out of a difficult situation.

Thanks for sharing all of you here.

Thanks all, I love NOM because all y'all.

Thanks for sharing!

So glad to read you are doing well, Document. You have been through a lot.

I admit, despite my amicable divorce, your position would be very difficult for me. So bravo for you for being able to move forward.