Ruined relationships

[Newme]

Too much pain. I hesitate to ask but I need support.

My marriage consists of roommates sticking together for the kids. DH went behind my back to my gossipy mom (of all people) to tell he wanted to divorce me since I no longer go to the temple. We had compromised - we take the kids to church but give our tithes to those in need. So that (& me refusing to support leaders) means not temple worthy. Plus I found a picture of him with another woman - & other painful things. He can be nice but tends to be narcissistic. Our marriage is over just not legally. This has been the case for a while. I have contributed too - codependency, depression, faith crisis etc.

My mom was diagnosed with BPD and denies it but I’m glad she told me because then I feel a little less to blame for her treatment. Despite knowing of DH’s disrespect toward me, after he went to her behind my back, she told me, “You’re ruining your marriage!” Then when I pointed out how she didn’t place such responsibility on my husband, she said, “Well, I try to give people the benefit of the doubt.”

I feel like the church and my mom have turned other siblings against me.

The other day, my older sister asked if she had my DH’s # & I responded, “Do you mind if I ask why?” DH had taken her son on a trip to the area where the affair was. They had talked about going on another trip so I explained my concern to her & said I’d rather they not ask DH to take them. Then she ignored my request but went on about how I need to be humble and marriage takes work - and how I need to obey the commandments & honor my temple covenants. I told her the greatest commandments are to love... which I don’t feel.

From this etc, I’m feeling the loss of family - all of the family that live locally in UT. They are so willing to hurt me & I don’t want to be around that. But it is a loss. Thanks for reading.

[Anon70]

Sorry Newme, that sounds hurtful. I have pretty big boundaries with my family and very few expectations. Building an extended family of my choosing has been really wonderful. I hope you can heal from this and find a supportive and caring community. Sending hugs.

[Newme]

Sorry Newme, that sounds hurtful. I have pretty big boundaries with my family and very few expectations. Building an extended family of my choosing has been really wonderful. I hope you can heal from this and find a supportive and caring community. Sending hugs.

Thanks, Anon. I want to build extended family/friends.
I’m trying to heal - lots of soul searching.

[MalcolmVillager]

This stuff just sucks. I dont even know what to say. Just find peace internally, set boundaries, and dont let them get to you. If you cant take it when they cross your boundaries you get to choose to disengage with them.

[Newme]

This stuff just sucks. I dont even know what to say. Just find peace internally, set boundaries, and dont let them get to you. If you cant take it when they cross your boundaries you get to choose to disengage with them.

Thanks. Boundaries are important - I’m learning.
Internal peace is a good goal.

[Angel]

I feel your pain - I'm in a mixed-faith marriage with kids as well, and have also been given the lecture about "not keeping my covenants". Keeping covenants??!!?? I had no idea what covenants I would be asked to make in the temple, if I had known the polygamous nature of the "new and everlasting covenant" I would have NEVER agreed to that. I did not break my covenant - my DH broke his covenant, nothing but lies from all of it - from people in the temple who should NOT have been there, lies about the Spirit keeping people safe etc. All lies. Abuse, adultery, lies - but then we are the ones who are evil for leaving??!!??

I do not want to be one of those angry people, do not want to live with hate - forgive, be nice, kind, count your blessings - I get it.

I also get the need for boundaries, and for finding a new tribe of people, a new community.

I feel your pain!!

[Thoughtful]

I'm very sorry for all the hard things your family is putting you through. Mormons suck at boundaries.

I understand staying for the kids, but what's bad for kids is parents fighting and the antagonism that often comes with divorce. Is there an option to get a divorce with a good coparenting relationship? Together in parenting, but not together. You shouldn't be held hostage in a loveless marriage, you should be able to pursue what makes you happy without his choices weighing you down. He could date without being dishonest. Since the marriage is over anyway maybe going through it would actually be a weight off?

I know from the outside there is always lots to consider and with LDS background the idea of divorce carries a lot of shame.

[wtfluff]

All I can say is: I believe many of us are in the same situation relationship wise.

One of the ways I deal with it is: This is where I've ended up after a lifetime of stupid decisions based purely on emotions (or lack thereof.) A lifetime of trying to get direction from a ghost. It is what it is, and I can't go back and re-live those idiotic decisions. I believe that staying in the relationship is better for my kids than leaving it. Their welfare is more important than mine at this point.

Solidarity in the sucky-ness of the broken relationships that mormonism creates.

[redjay]

sorry to hear that. situation sounds unsustainable. as you have not asked for advice I will abstain. FWIW it seems you are acting nobly in a terrible dynamic. It's good to have somewhere to vent, even if it is in cyberspace.

[Lithium Sunset]

I am glad you are aware of codependency. Once you move past codependency you maybe able to leave the marriage or once you leave, you may be able to get past it.
Why are you staying with him? Do you honestly believe that is what is best for the children? Is it money?
Your family sucks.... not much more I feel I need to say about them. Friends can replace family and give you something much more fulfilling. Support groups, or other churches can offer help. Sometimes obvious answers, right in front of us, are the hardest to grab hold of plus it takes time.

When you say that he is nice sometime yet narcissistic, well that is what keeps you hooked... it’s a disgusting, abusive cycle and that hardest to get away from. I do not think this is a mixed faith problem. He has the best tools to keep you beat down and narcissistist are known for having their “flying monkeys”... unfortunately they are your family members.

Food for thought... would you be okay with your children ending up in the same relationship/marriage you are modeling? Are you okay with delaying your chance at showing your children a fulfilling life and a future healthy relationship? Are you okay wasting away? I bet this is taking a toll on your health....
Saying to set boundaries isn’t enough. We can toss that around all day... you need away from him, actual physical boundaries. I bet the affair was your fault right? And worse, I bet you believed him or at least wondered if that was true. Until you can gain some distance you will be in the confusion fog. I don’t have all the answers, but you can PM me anytime. I have a busy month with my trial looming but if you need help over the next year to leave I will help in anyway I can. Being worried about money is so much better than being in the same physical space. It is not a battle you have to fight overnight. You can make a five year plan, three year plan, one year plan... what ever works for you.

I made that all sound easy. I am so, so sorry you are hurting. You should not have to live like this. I am not going to say I know what you are going through, but I do know relationship hell. It took a full year of counseling, and she supported me more than one hour a week. I’m sure she was often exasperated with me but she stuck with me until I had the courage to leave and was safe. There are times when you need a lot of support so do not feel bad about asking for it. Sending you hugs.

[Lithium Sunset]

https://youtu.be/SNJ--gHasOE

My aunt sent me this song on Christmas morning... I wasn’t really ready for it emotionally. It can apply to family members as well.

[Mackman]

So sorry newme, I am also in a mixed faith marriage that is all but dead so I know what you are going through. My greatest triumph is when I am able to tune all the TBMs out even in church. Keep posting here to keep your sanity!!! You have an extended family here. God Bless.

[Corsair]

This is really a difficult situation for you and I wish there was some other way to offer aid. But, I can't. You're about to embark on the most complicated and emotionally painful year of your life. Your Soon-To-Be-Ex has the perfect excuse to attract all of the sympathy to him because of his faithfulness and your unbelief. You are going to suffer financially and possibly in your health. I am not a lawyer and simply can't offer any practical advice.

I only have the crazy notion that one year from right now things are going to be weirdly better even though the rest of your life may still be somewhat falling apart. The relationships that remain will likely be more authentic and more loving. The way you live and work and breathe and love will be more real. It probably won't be easy in any material way. But you will probably be at a place that is glad to have these events in the past. It's Future You that will be thanking Current You for making these tough decisions. Past You laid the ground work and it's time to move forward into some difficult times that result in a better life for Future You.

Keep us up to date on how events happen to you. Just tell us what happens if it might help you clear your mind and see your next steps with greater clarity. This is hard and you are not the first person to go through this. Unfortunately, you won't be the last either. Your journey is still important as we mourn with those that mourn and try to comfort those that stand in need of comfort.

[moksha]

DH had taken her son on a trip to the area where the affair was.

???

[Hagoth]

It is astounding that unwillingness to perform illicit Masonic rituals is valued over marriage fidelity. Hugs and best wishes, Newme!

[alas]

Studies have documented that there is one thing even more damaging to kids than parents divorcing and that is parents staying together for the kids. It is the parents not getting along that damages kids, not whether they do it in one house or two. When the parents are in one house, there is more fighting, unhappiness, and resentment between parents and it is a daily thing. That is what damages the kids, is seeing their parents fighting or unhappy. The damage of divorce mostly happens before the parents split, and once the parents split, the wounds begin to heal.

So, please know that your happiness is what is best for your kids. Kids do not do well if they see their mother martyring herself for their sake. It causes them to feel guilt, which harms them psychologically. Even if you don’t let them know you are giving up your own happiness for them, the see it and know. They are smarter than you think and see that you are not happy, and they know why. Kids are not stupid. They see and they figure it out.

There are several ways that staying together and unhappy is damaging. One I mentioned above is the guilt they feel when they know that if it was not for them, their parents would be happy. Kids blame themselves. They see their parents are unhappy and they are sure it is their fault. #2 is that being miserable gives them a horrible role model. (Oh, great, adults are miserable. I don’t want to grow up and get married and be miserable.) And third, seeing you sad also makes them sad. No matter if you pretend. They see through that.

I am sorry you are in this position. It is terrible, and your family suck. They find it easier to blame you than to blame your husband for what really is more his problem than yours. He had the affair, and that is always more what destroys a marriage than any of the things that led up to it. Then he went to your mother to blame HIS betrayal of the marriage onto you. That is a second betrayal of the marriage and so so much worse than changing how you think about a cult. And if you ever doubt that Mormonism is a cult, just look at how people react when someone leaves.

[Rob4Hope]

DH had taken her son on a trip to the area where the affair was.

???

Im with Moksha on this one? There was an affair? Is this ongoing?

It amazes me how somethings get swept under the carpet when its the elephant in the room.

[RubinHighlander]

I have vivid memories of many years of awful painful moments, dealing with a cheating narcissistic spouse and divorce with three kids. I'm glad I wasn't going through my faith crisis on top of it! I would try to use the affair card with your TBM family. They may still put the blame on your faith crisis that drove him to it, but there's no excuse for him staying faithful and making you to scapegoat. After all, it's a male dominated religion, he's the damn patriarch! But isn't that just like to church to always let the man off easier than the woman.

This is some painful suck you have to deal with, especially over the holidays. Hang in there, vent here often and get outside in some trees for deep breaths and decompression.

[deacon blues]

A lifetime of trying to get direction from a ghost.

Nothing like putting the situation in plain English.

I would add, when I was suffering from depression, counseling and medical help were critical. Making lifetime decisions while one is depressed is not a good idea. The L.D.S. culture sometimes acts like depression is all about sin; it's not- it's chemical.

[wtfluff]

A lifetime of trying to get direction from a ghost.

Nothing like putting the situation in plain English.

That's the thing thought isn't it? Put it in plain English and it sounds "weird." Yet most of us have been taught our entire lives to "live worthy" of having the "constant companionship" of the Holy Ghost. Drop the "Holy" qualifier from that statement, and it's weird?

A ghost is a ghost, whether it's holy, or friendly, or whatever other qualifier you want to add on.

I wish I'd stopped believing in ghosts before I was half dead.