"I don't need the church to protect me from its abusive god."

[Reuben]

I've been looking for exactly the right thing to say should someone ask me why I no longer attend. (Not that this will ever happen.) "I don't need the church to protect me from its abusive god" is a top contender.

I think it explains a lot about the church and the behavior of its leaders. There's a lot of meaning to unpack, though, which is best done by analogy.

Let's say you're growing up in a large family with a father that you think of as strict - but if you're honest with yourself, there's more to it than that. He's cut some of his adult children out of his will for marrying below their social class. He withholds love and support if you don't do things his way, but says you're rejecting him. He calls you dirty when you disobey him and gives you the silent treatment. He makes it clear that he will not associate with you if you don't follow the plan he laid out for you at birth. He requires you to talk about how great he is and how he's always right, and you do it because he's a powerful man, and because he's your dad.

His go-to statement when any kid protests too much is, "I made you, so I can tell you exactly what to do." Another favorite is, "You're nothing without me."

You're just a kid. Aren't all families like this? How could you ever know differently? So, partly for self-protection and partly from ignorance, you internalize his attitudes. For example, you actually believe that you're dirty when you disobey him, and use disgust and shame to try to motivate obedience in the future.

Now, Dad is often gone, so Mom is usually the one dealing with kids. She has a dual role. Like you, she has internalized his attitudes, so she acts as an enforcer on his behalf. But she recognizes that his punishments are harsh, so she also acts as a protector.

She usually protects you by controlling your behavior so you don't incur his wrath. She's unwilling to extend his full punishments, so she uses the most potent weapons she's got: disgust and shame. "Think of how you'll feel when your wonderful, perfect dad gets home and sees you wallowing in filth. What makes you think you can hide it from him?"

There are regular check-ups to make sure you're sticking to the plan. She shames you in front of everyone if you get too far off. She doesn't respect reasonable boundaries. She can't risk you wandering too far off course. She might lose you like she lost a couple of older siblings who your dad disowned when they drifted away and then called him out on his manipulation.

I think it's obvious that Dad represents the Mormon god, and Mom represents the Q15.

There's a lot going on with the Q15's stubborn refusal to critically examine abusive practices like worthiness interviews, lifting up exactly one "ideal" kind of family, and sacrificing anyone and anything to maintain authority. Yes, there's arrogance and a self-aggrandizing need to believe that previous leaders were inspired. But I think they genuinely care, and that they pull a lot of this bullshit out of a misguided attempt to protect us from the abusive god they worship.

[crossmyheart]

I have said something similar to my TBM mother. My husband and I have had a significant amount of bad luck in the last 4 years or so. I couldn't even begin to list it all. And even though I have been inactive since 2012, my mother still reminds me in any way possible that all of our bad luck stems from not attending church, not paying tithing, not attending the temple, not making our kids attend church...etc.

So I regularly ask her "do you really believe that God is that vengeful? That He would punish us so severely simply because we don't go to church?" I remind her that we don't rob banks, or beat our children, or strangle kittens. She never really has a response.

The mormon god is a tyrannical god and I want nothing to do with him.

[No Tof]

I like your analogy even though I see myself at times as parent using some of those tactics we all were taught to emulate. (this has been a regularly visited topic with all my heretic adult children....... the wounds can heal)

In the end though when you realize the mormon god isn't, where does that leave the Q15?

Are they father and mother all in one? Guess when dad is always away, it works fine for mom to do what ever the hell she wants.

So messed up.

[BriansThoughtMirror]

I was in a stake conference when I had a similar realization. I was not a believer at that point, but I was still attending. I don't remember exactly how the SP's talk went, but it was an allegory that suggested that we are worthless without the church, and God will withdraw his love if we disobey because we're so dirty and worthless, and isn't he so great for taking us back if we get back in line? How merciful! I suddenly realized the God I had been taught about was like an abusive partner or parent. I had to step out into the Hall to cool off. I think I even wrote some of that down somewhere. That was the last SC I've been to.

Oh, man, your description also reminded me of an interview I saw with a mom high in the ranks of the Westboro Baptist Church. She was horrible to her children in very similar ways- but only because her good was so horrible to her. She loved her kids, but she was terrified of God, so she HAD to keep them in line. It was so sad.

Recently, ive been reading a book called Unconditional Parenting, which is about the need for giving our kids truly unconditional love, and not withholding love as a teaching or disciplinary method (I haven't finished, and I'm not quite sure about it all just yet). He shows convincing evidence that those methods damage children. I was surprised to find I could relate to so many of the negative effects! Why? My parents were loving and supportive! I realized it was the church that had done it to me. Crazy. Maybe I'll write a more complete review when I'm done.