NOM

Ok, there are many things that have strengthened me to keep traveling the middle way. Reading and posting on here and other outlets, talking with my gay brother who left the church, etc.

But there is one particular event recently that has really given me strength. On one of my business trips, I had the opportunity to sit next to a young college student going into engineering. For those who don't know, I'm an engineer. We talked "geek" for a while and the conversation turned to me heading to Utah, and that I'm Mormon.

So, I opened up to this stranger. I told her my story, how my change in beliefs shook up my marriage, that I don't feel I can talk to family, that my kids don't even know about my new beliefs. She wanted to know, kept asking questions. So, I asked her a question, with her being my son's age: How would you feel if I was your father and was keeping a secret like this from you? Her answer still gets to me today.

She said: I wouldn't hate you or anything and I'd accept what you'd tell me, but I would see you 110% different, no doubt.

It just hit me that my kids don't really know me and I want them to know me. This young engineering student had made it so clear to me that I had placed the chains on myself to not opening up more, that it was OK to do it, that I needed to do it for them and me. I want my kids to know the real me, I want my family to know the real me. So, when I finally opened up to my son recently, it was the right moment, but the sole reason I actually opened up to him was because of her answer to me.

I haven't realized the heavy load I've been carrying and that became clear too from that conversation. I can open up to my kids, when the time is right for each of them, and I'm Ok with just knowing that now. It gives me strength to carry on. I owe this stranger more than she knows.

Wow, that's a powerful story. One of the big things that led to my being more open was attending a Mormon Transitions group and talking with people who had been unable to be open with their children for years. I realized I just couldn't live like that. I had to be real with my loved ones, even though it can be incredibly difficult. It's a big, big deal. It's been hard, and it hasn't solved everything, but being open is absolutely worth it.

Yea, interesting. My wife has been coming along down this road more on her own now, and we can openly laugh at Infants on Throwns and other BS about how ridiculous the cojcolds is. Yet we both are still are calling having, card carrying, undie wearing mormons. We talk about what life will be down the road and that we want to talk to our girls before the week of their endowments, etc... we just don't know how or when.

We are heading to the Mormon Stories retreat next weekend and hope to get some perspective and coping tools.

That said, an IOT episode this last week they talked about what they would say to their 19 year old selves of they could do a Bill and Ted's visit. One of them (maybe Tom) said he wouldn't say anything to divert a 19 year old. He would love to pull kids out before they are I but by the time they are in their teens and twenties their roots are so deep he would just let them figure it out on their own.

DW wants to just drop hints and let the kids figure it out but we risk them judging us as evil and lazy for coffee, no temple, mi Iman Sunday attendance, etc... (even though 90% of our lifestyle hasn't changed).

I don't know?!!!

I told DW last week that I don't want our kids to hate us or to have painful shelf crashing experiences, with possible strained or broken marriages if they learn the rest of the story in their 30's like we did. I dont blame my parents completely because they are believers (my dad black and white TBM and my mom a nuanced believer) even though they knew about polygamy and some other things like sheer stones while raising us with the traditional narrative.

I think it is dishonest to completely not believe and yet act as though you do. Some day I want to stop doing that. Maybe next year.

Great update DT. I think depending on numerous variables, the middle way you describe is attainable for some people. Ward dynamics and leadership among the biggest two.

MalcolmVillager wrote: ↑Sat Aug 04, 2018 9:26 pm Yea, interesting. My wife has been coming along down this road more on her own now, and we can openly laugh at Infants on Throwns and other BS about how ridiculous the cojcolds is. Yet we both are still are calling having, card carrying, undie wearing mormons. We talk about what life will be down the road and that we want to talk to our girls before the week of their endowments, etc... we just don't know how or when.

(snip)

DW wants to just drop hints and let the kids figure it out but we risk them judging us as evil and lazy for coffee, no temple, mi Iman Sunday attendance, etc... (even though 90% of our lifestyle hasn't changed).

I don't know?!!!

I told DW last week that I don't want our kids to hate us or to have painful shelf crashing experiences, with possible strained or broken marriages if they learn the rest of the story in their 30's like we did.

(snip)

I think it is dishonest to completely not believe and yet act as though you do. Some day I want to stop doing that. Maybe next year.

Malcolm, I know a couple who may be a great resource to talk to about your situation. They transitioned out after 2 kids left home and had a difficult time when the kids expressed anger for making them go to church the whole time while they disbelieved. PM for more details if you're interested.

One thing that really gave me strength as a NOM was to realize I didn't need see everything as binary I can believe what I want and leave the rest it is my choice no one else's its my belief system !!!!!! Call it cafeteria mormon or whatever you want it is relief for me .

This is a great story and something very much on my mind. I have told my oldest DS, but he still asked me to be a witness at his temple sealing. I don't think I will tell the DS on a mission right now, that just seems a little too cruel, to drop that on him while he is so tightly in the clutches of the beast. DS 3 knows some but not all of my disaffection, DDs 1 and 2 know very little of it, but some.

Good for you.

For some who I opened up to early on, it caused a lot of pain and strained relationships. So moved a lot slower after that. But I always wanted to be authentic in my relationships so I dropped lots and lots of clues and I never said anything I didn't believe in.

Even though my kids never really picked upon on exactly what I was saying, it did create an environment of acceptance where now 3 of my 4 kids are out of the church and doing great.

Good luck.