Rumor mill: Nauvoo addition
Posted: Tue Jun 26, 2018 3:58 pm
I heard a rumor that later this year the church is going to stop sending senior missionary couples to Nauvoo to do the tour guide missions. They will continue to send senior missionaries to the Nauvoo Temple mission but will leave the tour guide stuff to the young kids serving.
My source failed to explain why this is happening which only leaves us to speculate. Here's my uneducated guesses:
1. The rate of STD's in Nauvoo has now hit an all time high, yea even higher than in Joseph's day, leading SLC to decide of they should rebrand Nauvoo with the borrowed slogan, "What happens in Nauvoo stays on Nauvoo!" or simply pull out!
2. Too many senior couples putting in papers for missions are requesting Nauvoo, leaving the missionary department to have to turn down specific requests to serve while assigning these couples to Oakland and San Jose. Such denied applications and assignments to these "exotic" locations are causing senior missionary couples to defer their applications saying, "I guess we'll just wait until next year assuming we're not in wheelchairs!"
3. The rate of young 18 and 19 year old kids going on missions is at an all time low so inspiration dictates sending kids to the most exciting place on earth!
4. For profit church ventures are causing members to question the legitimacy of their tithing donations. Sending kids from China and other Asian countries to the Nauvoo mission will allow the church to prop up cell phone factories disguised as Missionary Training Centers.
5. During his last visit to Nauvoo, Elder Bednar was disgusted with the lack of fanfare and personal hero worshipping attention he received by the "older crowd!" Defending the low energy reception, Sister Bednar attempted to explain their visit conflicted with "nap time". Realizing the detrimental effect on missionary work by this inefficiency, Elder Bednar decides to pull all senior couples who can't stay awake between lunch and the standard 4:30 pm dinner time!
6. Due to the high humidity during the summer months, the extra layer of polyester is causing heat stroke among senior missionaries. To combat this, Beehive clothing suggests senior missionaries switch to the new cotton stretch garments. Considered an act of apostasy by 99.9% of the serving grandparents, Beehive Clothing decides it can no longer ship full length fanny flap garments to Nauvoo in order to force the garmy switch. When that fails, the missionary dept has no other choice but to pull all senior missionaries from Nauvoo in the name of safety!
7. The amount of Viagra metabolites found in the Mississippi River has Illinois health department officials concerned. In an attempt to prove the source of such metabolites is NOT the sewers connecting the apartments of senior missionaries in Nauvoo, the church missionary department pulls all senior missionary couples out. Subsequently (and surprisingly) the amount of Viagra metabolites is traced back to a secret underground food storage bunker in nearby Carthage where inspectors find multiple blue buckets of blue pills that appear to be labeled "D's Oak Nuts". Whatever that means?
My source failed to explain why this is happening which only leaves us to speculate. Here's my uneducated guesses:
1. The rate of STD's in Nauvoo has now hit an all time high, yea even higher than in Joseph's day, leading SLC to decide of they should rebrand Nauvoo with the borrowed slogan, "What happens in Nauvoo stays on Nauvoo!" or simply pull out!
2. Too many senior couples putting in papers for missions are requesting Nauvoo, leaving the missionary department to have to turn down specific requests to serve while assigning these couples to Oakland and San Jose. Such denied applications and assignments to these "exotic" locations are causing senior missionary couples to defer their applications saying, "I guess we'll just wait until next year assuming we're not in wheelchairs!"
3. The rate of young 18 and 19 year old kids going on missions is at an all time low so inspiration dictates sending kids to the most exciting place on earth!
4. For profit church ventures are causing members to question the legitimacy of their tithing donations. Sending kids from China and other Asian countries to the Nauvoo mission will allow the church to prop up cell phone factories disguised as Missionary Training Centers.
5. During his last visit to Nauvoo, Elder Bednar was disgusted with the lack of fanfare and personal hero worshipping attention he received by the "older crowd!" Defending the low energy reception, Sister Bednar attempted to explain their visit conflicted with "nap time". Realizing the detrimental effect on missionary work by this inefficiency, Elder Bednar decides to pull all senior couples who can't stay awake between lunch and the standard 4:30 pm dinner time!
6. Due to the high humidity during the summer months, the extra layer of polyester is causing heat stroke among senior missionaries. To combat this, Beehive clothing suggests senior missionaries switch to the new cotton stretch garments. Considered an act of apostasy by 99.9% of the serving grandparents, Beehive Clothing decides it can no longer ship full length fanny flap garments to Nauvoo in order to force the garmy switch. When that fails, the missionary dept has no other choice but to pull all senior missionaries from Nauvoo in the name of safety!
7. The amount of Viagra metabolites found in the Mississippi River has Illinois health department officials concerned. In an attempt to prove the source of such metabolites is NOT the sewers connecting the apartments of senior missionaries in Nauvoo, the church missionary department pulls all senior missionary couples out. Subsequently (and surprisingly) the amount of Viagra metabolites is traced back to a secret underground food storage bunker in nearby Carthage where inspectors find multiple blue buckets of blue pills that appear to be labeled "D's Oak Nuts". Whatever that means?
