Bridging the gap with parents

[no1saint]

Recently I announced publically my same sex relationship on Facebook. Everyone who are friends with me on Facebook would have seent it as more than 180 people reacted positively and a further 40 made direct comments. Currently I am not talking to my parents over other issues, but as my mother liked the photo I posted with the announcement (of my partner and I), I know that they both know.

My parents are both aware of the issues I have with the Church, this was discussed at length in the past. Now they can add an openly gay son cohabitating with his same sex partner to the mix. My parents and I no longer enjoy a relationship as there are issues on both sides that act as barriers to meaningful engagement and communication.

My side: I detest their blind adherence to the their faith which influences their attitude towards me .
Their side: They detest my non Church liberal leaning, Green Party voting centre left homosexual lifestyle that I have embraced.

I am not sure if we can create a safe space where we can all engage and have a relationship free from the constraints those issues bring to the table. Right now, it's easier to not have my parents actively involved in my life. I am not sure if we can ever get past this.

[Red Ryder]

Congrats!

Such a big step to a more authentic life.

[IT_Veteran]

Although it’s hard to deal with parental relationship issues, kudos to you for being authentic when it’s difficult. I think you’ll find far more people willing to accept you for who you are than not.

[Reuben]

Recently I announced publically my same sex relationship on Facebook. Everyone who are friends with me on Facebook would have seent it as more than 180 people reacted positively and a further 40 made direct comments. Currently I am not talking to my parents over other issues, but as my mother liked the photo I posted with the announcement (of my partner and I), I know that they both know.

Awesome!

I am not sure if we can create a safe space where we can all engage and have a relationship free from the constraints those issues bring to the table. Right now, it's easier to not have my parents actively involved in my life. I am not sure if we can ever get past this.

Well, you know at least that your mom wants to, which is a start.

[alas]

Recently I announced publically my same sex relationship on Facebook. Everyone who are friends with me on Facebook would have seent it as more than 180 people reacted positively and a further 40 made direct comments. Currently I am not talking to my parents over other issues, but as my mother liked the photo I posted with the announcement (of my partner and I), I know that they both know.

Awesome!

I am not sure if we can create a safe space where we can all engage and have a relationship free from the constraints those issues bring to the table. Right now, it's easier to not have my parents actively involved in my life. I am not sure if we can ever get past this.

Well, you know at least that your mom wants to, which is a start.

I would agree that you mom wants to have a relationship, and if she liked the picture on Facebook, she is showing a willingness to at least try. So, my recommendation is you have to be willing to meet in the middle. If she accepts your lifestyle, then you can accept hers. That is what would be fair. You accept that while she may love you, she will never approve of your “choices”. Because she probably does see your being gay as a choice. You know, 100 years ago many gays married straight and were miserable, but no more miserable than average people in arranged marriages. So, since historically, many people that we now know were gay were heterosexually married, many Mormons think that you could just make that choice. Abraham Lincoln and Eleanor Rosevelt are two famous Americans that are now suspected of being gay. Both were married in at least functional marriages. Sorry, but I don’t know any famous Kiwi gays who were married straight.

That is kind of how my own family did it. When our daughter sat us down to make sure we understood they were more than roommates, (we figured it out long before then) my husband said that while *we* (really just him, but I let it stand rather than fighting with him at that point) would never approve of their life style, we did love our daughter, and would love her partner given a chance to know her. That set an example of acceptance for her siblings and they all accepted the situation. Now my husband (TBM) is less judgmental about it and understands and accepts that our daughter is always going to be with a woman because she tried loving a man and it just didn’t work. Our daughter knows and accepts that her dad is Mormon and thinks he has to act and talk Mormon and so she will never get his “approval” but then she is grown up enough to not need it.

That is key right there, you do not need your parent’s approval. Just accept that they are not going to change and don’t need them to agree with you on things. Work on what you do have in common. Agree on the point that family is more important than the church.

So, the “how to go about it?” is the main thing. Start with an email or some kind of message just to your mom. Just little stuff about what is going on in your life. Then see how she responds. Let her work on your dad for a while. Moms are usually better about accepting their children, warts and all, than fathers are. I think it has something to do with taking care of babies. If you can love a two year old who gets in to everything, throws tantrums when they don’t get their way, refuses to do what you want, and still needs to have their diaper changed, then you can love an adult child who still doesn’t do what you want. So, start with your mom.