NOM

Drinking or starting to drink when you have family members who have lost a loved one to drunk driving?

A relative went through a FC and has started drinking socially. His wife who is TBM lost her father to a drunk driver, and consequently is not handling the faith transition or the drinking well at all. How would you navigate something like that?

My DW didn’t lose someone to DUI, but she had an aunt that was an alcoholic and drug abuser. Her kids lived with my wife’s family for a time before going back, all essentially disowned their mom, and she died pretty young.

Consequently, DW was terrified of me drinking at first. We talked about it, I reminded her of several close family and friends that are examples of responsible drinking, and then we set up some ground rules.

No drinking alone
No drinking and driving
No getting drunk

We’re still navigating the dynamics of this. I am trying to add good experiences to her bucket, so we’re learning together.

Unfortunately it's not an easy answer.

I think education is the key in understanding what it means to drink responsibly. Everyone starting to drink should understand the basics of blood alcohol content and how alcohol effects impairment. The general rule is waiting one hour per one drink (defined as 1 beer, 1 glass of wine, or 1 shot) before driving. Of course everyone's ability to metabolize alcohol depends on their body weight and height. Personal responsibility.

Dealing with the emotional side is a different story. Anyone with a spouse who lost a loved one to drunk driving should be sensitive to the situation. At the same time that shouldn't mean everyone in their life would be expected not to drink. It's something only they can come to terms with together as a couple through a lot of communication. That's a tough situation.

I'm callous I guess. Don't make your drinking their business. Don't drink in front of them and otherwise live your life. If/when they discover it, just tell them "most people drink responsibly as I do". I'm sorry its abuse hurt you." Keeping clear that drinking and alcohol abuse aren't the same thing. And otherwise it's not her business what you drink.

IT_Veteran wrote: ↑Sun Jun 03, 2018 8:46 pm My DW didn’t lose someone to DUI, but she had an aunt that was an alcoholic and drug abuser. Her kids lived with my wife’s family for a time before going back, all essentially disowned their mom, and she died pretty young.

Consequently, DW was terrified of me drinking at first. We talked about it, I reminded her of several close family and friends that are examples of responsible drinking, and then we set up some ground rules.

No drinking alone
No drinking and driving
No getting drunk

We’re still navigating the dynamics of this. I am trying to add good experiences to her bucket, so we’re learning together.

My DW is scared of me drinking too. I promised her I would never bring alcohol to the house, at least for now. I would also let her know when I am having a drink (she is usually with me). That aliviated some concerns...but not all.

dogbite wrote: ↑Sun Jun 03, 2018 8:51 pm I'm callous I guess. Don't make your drinking their business. Don't drink in front of them and otherwise live your life. If/when they discover it, just tell them "most people drink responsibly as I do". I'm sorry its abuse hurt you." Keeping clear that drinking and alcohol abuse aren't the same thing. And otherwise it's not her business what you drink.

I was on the retirement party circuit last week for some older colleagues. I went to a lot of parties and was offered alcohol, but it was very public and I decided not the right time to start, for myself. Spouseman, I think is fine with it, if I did.

But my question was more along the lines of the position nephew in law is in, with my niece having lost her father, she hates all alcohol passionately. Even if she wasn't lds, her hubs drinking would be disrespectful. She says.

Thoughtful wrote: ↑Sun Jun 03, 2018 10:53 pm

dogbite wrote: ↑Sun Jun 03, 2018 8:51 pm I'm callous I guess. Don't make your drinking their business. Don't drink in front of them and otherwise live your life. If/when they discover it, just tell them "most people drink responsibly as I do". I'm sorry its abuse hurt you." Keeping clear that drinking and alcohol abuse aren't the same thing. And otherwise it's not her business what you drink.

I was on the retirement party circuit last week for some older colleagues. I went to a lot of parties and was offered alcohol, but it was very public and I decided not the right time to start, for myself. Spouseman, I think is fine with it, if I did.

But my question was more along the lines of the position nephew in law is in, with my niece having lost her father, she hates all alcohol passionately. Even if she wasn't lds, her hubs drinking would be disrespectful. She says.

I think there is something to the idea of it being disrespectful of her feelings to drink under the circumstances. Getting away from the idea of alcohol, which we as former Mormons tend to see a very different way than never Mormons see it, might help us see this in a different perspective. My MIL had her father killed in a deer hunting accident when she was a child, then as a teen ager, her brother was killed in a pheasant hunting accident. 25 years later, her oldest son is engaged to me to be married. He went hunting with my brothers. I saw nothing wrong with hunting----until I spent some time over at his house while they were off hunting. I asked her what was wrong, and got I tight lipped, "nothing". BS, nothing was wrong. So, when DF(for dear finance') got home, I asked him. He said that his grandfather and uncle were both killed in hunting accidents. I told him that out of respect for his mother's feelings, he was never to go hunting again. He never has, even now that his mother is dead.

Sometimes you just do things because you love someone, even if you think it is irrational, because you know you will not get drunk or drive drunk. But you still love you spouse enough not to purposely trample their feelings. IMHO.

Raylan Givens wrote: ↑Sun Jun 03, 2018 10:47 pm

IT_Veteran wrote: ↑Sun Jun 03, 2018 8:46 pm My DW didn’t lose someone to DUI, but she had an aunt that was an alcoholic and drug abuser. Her kids lived with my wife’s family for a time before going back, all essentially disowned their mom, and she died pretty young.

Consequently, DW was terrified of me drinking at first. We talked about it, I reminded her of several close family and friends that are examples of responsible drinking, and then we set up some ground rules.

No drinking alone
No drinking and driving
No getting drunk

We’re still navigating the dynamics of this. I am trying to add good experiences to her bucket, so we’re learning together.

My DW is scared of me drinking too. I promised her I would never bring alcohol to the house, at least for now. I would also let her know when I am having a drink (she is usually with me). That aliviated some concerns...but not all.

That's pretty similar to our situation. I did make a mistake by not telling her I was going to have a drink and then posting it to Reddit. She feels better about knowing I'm going to have a drink so I tell her. Just a misunderstanding about expectations before, but it still put a negative experience in her bucket, rather than a positive one.