NOM

My dad agreed to discuss some of the more difficult parts of church history with me. I’m hoping to gain some insight into the way he sees things, and hopefully it will help me better navigate some of the rougher parts of his personality. I’m hoping it will also create more compassion in his relationship with my DH.

So yesterday I sent him an email with some sources and my biggest struggles with polygamy. It was pretty packed with information (hopefully not enough to overwhelm) so I expect it will be at least several days before I hear from him.

But now every time I see I have a new email my heart jumps up into my throat. Should be interesting. Never a dull moment in our home lately.

Keep us updated, I am interested.

Kalikala wrote: ↑Thu May 31, 2018 2:02 pm My dad agreed to discuss some of the more difficult parts of church history with me. I’m hoping to gain some insight into the way he sees things, and hopefully it will help me better navigate some of the rougher parts of his personality. I’m hoping it will also create more compassion in his relationship with my DH.

So yesterday I sent him an email with some sources and my biggest struggles with polygamy. It was pretty packed with information (hopefully not enough to overwhelm) so I expect it will be at least several days before I hear from him.

But now every time I see I have a new email my heart jumps up into my throat. Should be interesting. Never a dull moment in our home lately.

Proud of you You are definitely braver than me

I also would love to hear about any response. Please update if you can!

I’m also patiently(?) waiting to hear how he responds.

Always be aware that there can be a paradoxical reaction to furnishing what you think to be enlightening information to Church members. They might not appreciate the enlightenment and instead will become angry and belligerent. You can always try to furnish it, but if you hear beeping sounds then stand clear of an imminent explosion.


Tread carefully with volitile members

I'm curious to the responses too. I like how you didn't just send the email without him agreeing to discuss the issues. If only we could get that same respect from TBMs whose relationships are based on conditional belief.

hmb wrote: ↑Fri Jun 01, 2018 6:52 am I'm curious to the responses too. I like how you didn't just send the email without him agreeing to discuss the issues. If only we could get that same respect from TBMs whose relationships are based on conditional belief.

^^This is a really good point. I told her parents in May of last year that I couldn't go in the temple for her sister to be married because I had no testimony (so no TR). I told my family I had no testimony when my brother went for his endowment later last year. Both sets of parents expressed love for me, told me they loved me whether I had a testimony or not. Neither set of parents actually asked me what was causing me to doubt/question.

For context, he was very frustrated with me the other day when Kalikala told him our 17yo DS was leaving the church also. He's angry all over again - at me, luckily, and not my DS. He offered to do provide any help that he could, I don't think he anticipated her questioning. I'm hopeful that he'll keep trying to resolve things for her, but I think at some point he'll likely see the depth of her unbelief. No way to know for sure.

Always be aware that there can be a paradoxical reaction to furnishing what you think to be enlightening information to Church members. They might not appreciate the enlightenment and instead will become angry and belligerent. You can always try to furnish it, but if you hear beeping sounds then stand clear of an imminent explosion.

Best wishes to you both. Moksha has a good point here. You may have a well-organized list of facts and very rational talking points, but it is difficult for TBM's to process that, because they operate on faith and their deep emotional feelings for the church. So, they may seem to be listening and understanding the information you are presenting, then all of a sudden, they may become upset and start scolding again.

In advance, try to have some kind of a strategy for peacefully ending your discussion, or have some way of calling a kind of time-out in case it becomes too heated and becomes an explosive battle. I have found by saying, "Well, I appreciate your time in listening to us, and now let's talk about something lighter, or go out to dinner, or take a walk"........or --
Find some way to defuse the situation, if it gets too angry.
Best wishes to you both, from Wndr.

Sorry. **

Sorry, guys. I really do know how to work this software... Wndr.

Oops ! Sorry for the double post. -- Wndr.

Update:

So I sent an email out to my whole family the let them know I’m bi last night. Mostly positive responses.

My mom called this morning and had some questions. We had a good conversation. During our conversation I found out that my dad has been wanting to dig into the information in my email but simply hasn’t had time yet. I also discovered that my mom had read the email and has been doing a lot of reading on her own.

I am hopeful.

Kalikala wrote: ↑Tue Jun 05, 2018 11:32 pm Update:

So I sent an email out to my whole family the let them know I’m bi last night. Mostly positive responses.

My mom called this morning and had some questions. We had a good conversation. During our conversation I found out that my dad has been wanting to dig into the information in my email but simply hasn’t had time yet. I also discovered that my mom had read the email and has been doing a lot of reading on her own.

I am hopeful.

That's awesome your family is being supportive and positive and your mom is starting her own journey of discovery.

I bet deep down your dad is scared of what he will read in the email. And that might be why he hasn't "had time" to read it.

Kalikala wrote: ↑Tue Jun 05, 2018 11:32 pm Update:

So I sent an email out to my whole family the let them know I’m bi last night. Mostly positive responses.

My mom called this morning and had some questions. We had a good conversation. During our conversation I found out that my dad has been wanting to dig into the information in my email but simply hasn’t had time yet. I also discovered that my mom had read the email and has been doing a lot of reading on her own.

I am hopeful.

Sounds like baby steps, but in the right direction. Your honesty and forthrightness deserves kindness. Best of luck.

I score big points for them already for not just coming back with disappointment and comments about you being deceived or having your countenance darkened.

Just looking for an update?

So I recently got an email back from him. It was very heartfelt and genuine, a side of my dad I don’t get to see very often.

He addressed some issues, but basically said that if it wasn’t pertinent to his salvation he tries not to worry about it too much. I haven’t replied yet. I’m kind of on burn out right now as far as the church goes.

Some of his information is incorrect, so I know there’s some things he doesn’t know or understand.

He did say he would read the essays and let me know what he thinks of those. My mom has been doing research and told him he needs to at least read the essays.

I hope that this has at least opened up a dialogue in which we can discuss feelings and beliefs without being defensive or aggressive. I feel like it’s been a good step so far.