NOM

I posted recently on the support thread about how I'm struggling to be a NOM. I really appreciate all the thoughtful feedback.

On this note, how do you develop and maintain apathy towards Mormonism? Right now, crazy things that I continually learn of flip a switch and I get angry with the church. I guess I'm still going through the cycle of trying to break up with Mormonism. What I want is to see all the sh** that is in Mormonism and be unphased by it. Even if I'm attending church now and then in the meantime. Is this possible? I learned from a counselor once that being apathetic towards someone is a dangerous condition if a relationship is trying to survive, because the person with apathy is checked out and likely gone for good. I want this in my relationship with the church, but I feel that I have significantly more anger/frustration than apathy. Maybe the anger phase is a prerequisite to achieving apathy...

For those of you who are now apathetic towards the church, how did you get to that point? Is it something you did? Something you stopped doing? Both?

Maybe this is a loaded question meant for a professional, but thought I'd ask anyways

I hope to get there too. I don't want to be angry and resentful forever, I look forward to the apathetic stage. I think knowing the kind of things my kids are being taught prevents me from reaching the apathetic stage. I hope that teaching them how to think critically and examine the church's history with real information will help me be more at peace with it - even if they decide that they want to remain in the church.

I've been a disaffected mormon junkie for over 12 years now. Reading this board, that board, this letter, that letter, this website, that website. I've listened to every podcast from MS to IOT and a lot in between.

It's addicting.

Lately I've had to scale back for my own sanity and realize that I spend more time as a disaffected Mormon than I ever did as an active participating TBM other than my 2 year stint as a missionary.

I used to be able to recall all the scripture stories, characters, timelines of events, and give fantastic talks from off the top of my head relying on memory of my church studies from my mission. Now I can recall all the timelines of significant events in the exmormon world as events unfolded like excommunications, 2nd anointing podcast episodes, mormon leaks, and the latest commentaries related to evidence the church is simply an invention from Joseph Smith.

So how do you become apathetic about all of this? Who cares!

The secret is replacement therapy. What can you replace this bullsh!t with that will occupy the current space in your head? Do you like Nikki Minaj? The stock market? Needle point? Cars? Netflix? Homemade Chinese food? BBQ? Fish tanks? Board games? Lava lamps? Home DIY projects?

What is it you want to do with your life that will replace the time you're spending being angry with Mormonism? Go do that!

The secret is to disconnect. Unplug. Toss out the twinkies. Unfold the garments rolled up in your drawer and toss them in the trash. Take up fly fishing or canoeing. Or bird watching. Pick a baseball team and watch all of their games for a season. Then a football team. Then a basketball team. Watch hockey. Then go back and watch reruns of Gilligan's Island. Then the Brady Bunch. Start training for a marathon. Or a beach body contest. Go back to school to become a surgeon. Or a biologist. Or a speech pathologist. Go back and teach school. Or hike the Appalachian trail. Go to Disneyland 12 weekends in a row. Take right rope walking lessons! Join the fricken circus!!

Do anything else you want to do that doesn't pertain to Mormonism!!!!

Take a walk.
Find a hobby
Join the gym
Bake cupcakes
Clean the garage
Walk the dog
Dust the shelves.
Clean the pool
Mow the grass
Trim the trees

That's about it. I can't think of anything else to do!

Oh yeah, don't forget to laugh at yourself! For Gods sake.... You wore religious underwear! You still might be wearing religious underwear!

That's freakin funny!

Ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha
{{cough}}

I've gone crazy! Corsair please ban me! Please.......

Red Ryder wrote: ↑Thu May 17, 2018 10:29 am Do anything else you want to do that doesn't pertain to Mormonism!!!!

Haha I like your enthusiasm RedRyder. So I'm assuming that what you're saying is that you can't be apathetic if you're still connected to the church or dabble with attendance? Requires a severing of the relationship...?

Arcturus wrote: ↑Thu May 17, 2018 10:45 am

Red Ryder wrote: ↑Thu May 17, 2018 10:29 am Do anything else you want to do that doesn't pertain to Mormonism!!!!

Haha I like your enthusiasm RedRyder. So I'm assuming that what you're saying is that you can't be apathetic if you're still connected to the church or dabble with attendance? Requires a severing of the relationship...?

I'm saying you can't participate in Internet Mormonism and remain apathetic. It's a constant IV drip of anger, insight, and moments of "holy crap I didn't know that about the church!"

If you want to be apathetic and dabble in church attendance then you have to disconnect your brain from BOTH sides.

Interestingly, we have many people here who have resigned that still deal with church issues they are working through. So severing the relationship is only part of the solution.

Pro Tip: Counting ceiling tiles helps do that during sacrament meeting.

The hard part is finding another passion to replace it with. Which can be difficult when you're tangled in no-mans land - not a TBM but still involved to some degree.

How to develop apathy....

Associate with different people. People that don't know your connection to all things LDS.

Do things that distance yourself, drink coffee, drink whatever you want. Find a hobby that you can discuss with anyone.

Follow a sport / team

Do your best to not care and move on with life. It will get better.

I don't know that i'm ever going to be completely apathetic towards Mormonism, but in the last year or so, I've really started to view it more as just another religion that I don't believe in. If it weren't for my family members and my friends who are Mormon, it wouldn't really get under my skin at all.

How? Go to grad school and be insanely busy with kids? Maybe that's not a plan that will work for everyone, though. haha Definitely focusing on other things--anything positive and fulfilling to you--is better than investing tons of time in Mormon-related stuff. I figure it took enough of my life, so most of the time, I just don't even worry about it.

As a huge personal milestone, at my last multi-month clinical site for my grad program, I never once mentioned my former religion when other people were talking about theirs, I didn't feel the need to mention that I'd only been drinking coffee for a few years, and I listened to people's stories about going to church just like I'd listen to their story about going to play golf on the weekend.

Bottom line is that you have to stop going to church. And you have to find a new life/community outside of Mormonism. The latter part takes a while, so start now.

Over the last couple years as my Mormon testimony washed away to nothingness, I have found that Mormonism is still interesting...but without the anger guilt shame fear etc. I still go to church, but if feels like going to the zoo. Everything that people do and say is just fascinating to observe. I passively wonder how people are able to maintain these mental blockades and just repeat Mormon cliches over and over again.

Then, I drop my child off at nursery and go to Starbucks and listen to podcasts.

If you stop believing, then you soon stop caring because you realize the church has no power over you.

As others have noted, it's really hard to develop that apathy and indifference to the LDS church when you are still connected. It's a huge source of tension in a mixed faith marriage. I would simply not be here if my wife had come to a similar conclusion. Even if she had, I still have parents, siblings, in-laws, and neighbors that continue to love the church.

Corsair wrote: ↑Fri May 18, 2018 8:35 am As others have noted, it's really hard to develop that apathy and indifference to the LDS church when you are still connected. It's a huge source of tension in a mixed faith marriage. I would simply not be here if my wife had come to a similar conclusion. Even if she had, I still have parents, siblings, in-laws, and neighbors that continue to love the church.

This!

I don't attend anymore except for the occasional extended family events that associated TBMs invite us to. DW and I still both have active Moms and sibs and a lot of my friends and coworkers are still in. Also, I have friends going through their own faith transition. Were it not for all of those things I could easily disconnect from the tribe, but as long as some of my tribe are still in the LDS TBM camp, it will cause friction and issues to deal with. Mentally I'm free but I still maintain an interest in current issues and a fascination with nuggets of history and current COB deceptions that I'd didn't know about before. It's also helpful to be able to help others with their faith crisis, because it's anything but easy for most folks!

I resigned 10 years ago and still have issues that bring bouts of anger from the early days. This is because I still love and care about so many mormons who struggle..for reasons I know are not there. Just be yourself..it is okay to hold on to the good things..and there are many. But find a space of time where you can reflect on what you know..and the essential peace of knowing that there is some heavy weight that has been lifted. Take it slow..expect hard moments..but plan ahead for a joyful day when you can decide whether to walk away..or not. Please..please don't be the fence sitter for many moons..it is your life afterall. Families are important...but they are stronger and better for an honest relationship that will give THEM more choices

Hugs..Margarita

For me once I was willing to accept the consequences of not believing apathy became easier. It is hard to try and stay in the church to avoid consequences. You just get more bitter because you feel trapped.

Now I just find most things about the church minimally annoying or humorous.