talk me down . . .

[Fifi de la Vergne]

because I'm feeling pretty angry at the moment and I don't want to do anything stupid.

DS#1 is about 10 months into his mission. I've encouraged him, supported, helped -- other than not going to the temple with him before he left, I've been behind him as much as if I were still 100% TBM. -- when we talk, when I write . . . I speak Mormon.

A couple of months ago the mission got a new MP, and DS got transferred, and ever since we've had to send any packages or snail mail to the mission home. Yesterday I got an email (it was a mass mailing to all the parents) with instructions for when and where to send Christmas packages and to be mindful that some of the missionaries don't have much support from home so don't go overboard. I'm okay with all of that.

The part that has my blood boiling is the following:

We would also like to remind family members that our missionaries have been asked to write and read letters and EMAILS only on Preparation day, which is Monday for our . . . Mission. Having the technology they do is such a blessing but it also brings with it challenges. If they receive emails from family members during the week they start to lose focus and are not as dedicated as they need to be. This is hard on them as missionaries and we find their success is correlated with this. We are asking that family members follow the missionary guidelines presented by our Prophet and email only once a week. Please make those emails uplifting and encouraging so the missionaries can have the focus that they need to fullfill their purpose as a missionary. If you have any questions about the communication with your missionaries, please refer to the white missionary handbook.

When did it become against the rules to read letters (from anyone) other than on p-day? When I was a missionary in France, those letters from home were a big part of getting me through. We only wrote on p-day, but we read the letters whenever they arrived. Do you think this is just this mission? And to me it seems like a new level of control -- as in "please don't distract your child from the indoctrination and brainwashing we are engaged in."

Grr. I'm just steaming, and I need to not boil over in front of my family, esp. not DH or missionary son. However, I also don't feel an obligation to follow this particular "guideline presented by our Prophet." Thoughts?

ETA: I just read this over, and I'm already wondering if I'm over-reacting. I'm open to your opinions.

[dispirited]

Its always been the spirit of the law to only read your letters and emails on P-day. I was a missionary in the early 80's. I remember getting letters during the week(pre-email), ripping them open and enjoying them. Especially if they were from my girlfriend.(She later got married before I got home, all the while leading me on until about a week before). I was in Europe, so the mail usually took a week or two and those letters were really fun to get. I had a super self-righteous companion who would get his letters, and save them for p-day. Then during our morning prayers he would pray for me to have more self control and to be more righteous. Now with e-mail its probably harder to sneak and open your mail on other days than p-day. Especially if you have to go to an internet cafe like my son does right now in the south pacific. My advice is to just keep sending letters and packages as you feel the spirit prompt you. If he receives, opens, reads your love and support he will benefit on any day of the week. If the MP doesn't like it, he can try to continue to use his power and authority to lord over his subjects. Its just different these days, if you don't want to do something in the church, you just don't do it. Its like that in the mission as well. My son's native companions are a good example of that...

[Corsair]

I'm afraid that I'm no inclined to talk you down. But I might recommend sharpening your strategy.

You have a particular advantage with your son's mission president. He is not your bishop or SP so has no direct way to affect your membership or temple rec status. He is speaking to you as if you were a 100% believing, orthodox member. The P-day email restriction sounds super culty to an outsider. The LDS church would not openly advertise these kinds of restrictions on their young missionaries. Sure, the restrictions on dating and movies sounds disciplined, but restrictions on talking to beloved family members? That sounds crazy and a non-member would not be sympathetic to an organization that doesn't let teenagers talk to their parents especially when the restricted parents are paying for this privilege for their artificially estranged children.

I don't know the situation with your spouse. But this seems perfectly reasonable to firmly (and passive aggressively) tell this mission president that you are going to write to your son as often as you darn well desire to do so. If email is going to be artificially restricted by the mission office, then buy a big book of stamps and start sending letters as often as your heart dictates. The absolute best occurrence in my week as a full time missionary was getting home for lunch and finding a letter from home on any day of the week. Granted, email was not an option at that point and neither of my mission presidents handed down any restrictions on reading mail from home.

If your mission president pushes back, you can politely wield your status as an unbeliever as a rhetorical weapon against him. This is not how a family oriented church would be expected to operate. Is the daily grind of LDS missionaries so oppressive that letters from home will make them lose focus? Would this restriction make sense in any other situation? Men and women in the military would be in open, violent revolt if their mail was restricted for any reason other than actual, field combat conditions. The church has taken a lot from you including the joy of living with your son for two years. Your son might be voluntarily living under mission rules, but I'll bet that you will enjoy the experience of taking back some power from mid-level bureaucrat that is enjoying free university tuition at BYU for his children while you pay for his living expenses. This is another situation where the church only has power over you that you grant to it.

[Fifi de la Vergne]

Its always been the spirit of the law to only read your letters and emails on P-day. I was a missionary in the early 80's. I remember getting letters during the week(pre-email), ripping them open and enjoying them. Especially if they were from my girlfriend.(She later got married before I got home, all the while leading me on until about a week before). I was in Europe, so the mail usually took a week or two and those letters were really fun to get. I had a super self-righteous companion who would get his letters, and save them for p-day. Then during our morning prayers he would pray for me to have more self control and to be more righteous. Now with e-mail its probably harder to sneak and open your mail on other days than p-day. Especially if you have to go to an internet cafe like my son does right now in the south pacific. My advice is to just keep sending letters and packages as you feel the spirit prompt you. If he receives, opens, reads your love and support he will benefit on any day of the week. If the MP doesn't like it, he can try to continue to use his power and authority to lord over his subjects. Its just different these days, if you don't want to do something in the church, you just don't do it. Its like that in the mission as well. My son's native companions are a good example of that...

I was in Europe in the early 80's too! -- maybe I'm just blocking, but I don't remember any restrictions on when we were supposed to read letters. It was a long time ago and my memory isn't what it was .

The fact that your companion is still alive is a very testament to your self-control -- at the very least I can think of a few choice scriptures I'd have been tossing back.

[Red Ryder]

It's probably best to be a mother first and let the consequences follow.

[glass shelf]

Moms got to mom. Too bad if Mr. "I think I have authority" doesn't like it.

[MalcolmVillager]

Wow I don't know if I can do this stuff. So sorry for you.

[Korihor]

Feel free to PM me which mission this is. I don't need to know who your DS is.
I'll happily send a nasty gram and cc: the missionary dept in SLC.

Or, ask the MP to share where that rule is in the handbook. If it's his own made up rule, call the Missionary Dept in SLC.

[Meilingkie]

We are asking that family members follow the missionary guidelines presented by our Prophet and email only once a week

When did TSM present any guidelines recently.............??
I beg to differ with the MP on the state of TSM´s mind and body

[Corsair]

Missionaries consider their mission president to be God's direct, personal representative on earth and there is no effective oversight on the rules that any young missionary can access. All mission presidents add rules to the White Handbook but not all rules are created equal. I was lucky to have two level headed and kind men as my mission presidents who only instituted rules that lined up with either common courtesy or personal safety. I could easily understand every the few additional rules that they added in the Canada Calgary Mission. One president even made the very popular rule that all missionaries had to attend at least one professional hockey game since Calgary and Edmonton were the bulk of the mission.

Young missionaries have very little recourse if they disagree with a rule like "no letters or email except on P-Day". They can disobey, but the social and ecclesiastic pressure is intense. A parent might feel similar pressures, but any forum member on this board should happily realize that they can casually disregard any oppressive missionary rule they feel like.

[Fifi de la Vergne]

I decided I'm not going to say anything to anyone . . . there's no one I can vent to IRL who would be sympathetic, and I would only be adding fuel to a fire that has just finally died down to a manageable state. I am just going to keep doing what I have been doing, which is to write whenever the spirit moves me. I guess it's up to DS whether he reads them when he gets them or whether he saves them for the next p-day.

But . . . it's one of those ridiculous, culty, awful things that we all experience in our dealings with this church. I mean, limiting access to my own son to the extent of dictating when I can send mail? Nothing has brought home to me how controlling and unhealthy and bizarre the whole mission experience is like this has. The real killer for me is that I used to be so indoctrinated myself that none of this seemed unusual to me . . . it takes such a shift in paradigm to see it the way I do now that I despair of my family even remotely understanding my current point of view. As far as they are concerned, the real reason I am angry is because I have lost the spirit and am being influenced by Satan. (Korihor I need some FLAMES.)

I wanted to write this post in all caps, but I decided it wasn't fair to take it out on you all.

[Fifi de la Vergne]

PS I really appreciate all of you for reading and commenting!