
I left the church a while back after I couldn't get over polygamy and just really felt uncomfortable with some smaller things, but my wife remained and has become more devout over the years. We were able to survive that by effectively just ignoring it - we just did not talk about church stuff outside of the most small-talk stuff you could imagine and never really got into why I left as I was afraid it would end the marriage. My wife has always been amazing to me even when her family put a lot of pressure on me about church and I truly believe has never measured my worth due to the church. I have always disliked certain parts of church (garments are a big one), but overall it worked as well as it can with a big wedge in your relationship, but kids were always going to be the issue that blew that plan up.
Recently I have been investigating the church more as I am terrified that kids who grow up in the church will almost certainly continue down the set path of mission/temple marriage/etc. I of course found the CES Letter along with other critical sources and just about lost my mind learning about all of these issues with church history that were never taught to me.
Unfortunately I did not find these groups along with that letter, so I made the mistake of talking to my wife without being prepared for it. I wanted to focus on polygamy, and when she got upset I transitioned to other issues I found (book of abraham, blacks, plagiarism, etc)... that of course did not go well as my wife completely retreated.
She agreed to read the CES Letter if I was willing to read the FAIR defenses of these issues, which I agreed. I then spent days reading the letter and FAIR's responses two times and then taking notes on where I thought they had a valid point, where they were gaslighting, and where both sides could claim they were right.
My wife (I believe) spent a very brief time skimming the letter and then accused me of only looking at the bad stuff. That was fair at first, but I really was spending a lot of time constantly going to FAIR to make sure I had both sides of the issues. Regardless, at this point she declared that she doesn't care about historical issues because they were just men who made mistakes, and that she only cares about the Book of Mormon and how she feels reading it. When I asked if she wanted to know if it was true, she said yes, but then immediately shut down any discussions about the issues with it.
So... that's been on and off for over a month now, and she decided last week to go kid-less to church because she knows how I feel about it. The problem is that I know she resents me greatly for it and I am fair certain the ward knows all about it. I never asked for that - I just asked that we try to find a way that we can both expose them to our beliefs for a fair chance to be open minded (honestly that's impossible - we both know it).
I also am having a hard time coming to grips with her not even being willing to acknowledge the issues with the church history as well as the many, many problems with the Book of Mormon itself. I *know* some of these items are on her shelf now, but she is only going to faith promoting sites to research so I don't know if she's even processing it or not. She has also been talking with her sister about it, which is always cringeworthy for so many reasons.
Sorry this was longer than I was aiming for. I just don't know what to do... I have no desire for divorce (I don't *think* she does) and I want to find a way to make it work. I know right now she resents me for keeping kids from church, but she is not wanting to take them because she knows how angry I am at the church for the things they lied about.
I realize every situation is different, and after reading so many stories on here and reddit I know that a lot of people work it out, and those times where the spouse also leaves is usually not an instant thing either. I have my anger towards the church, the inability to find a compromise about kids where we both feel OK, and then my frustration that she doesn't even want to know if it's true.
That said, I know that I am lucky to have her... I think we both know that with regards to church we have both put each other in bad spots. Right now we've had a few days of trying to ignore it which has been OK, but I know we're both thinking about it. I don't know how long I can hope that she opens up about it, but I just don't see it happening which also sucks since I know that some of it bothers her and is clearly new to her.
Again, sorry this is so long... been a rough few months and just not sure how to process it all. I *really* wish I had found this group before I opened my mouth, because I know I did all of that wrong... and there might be no coming back from it as far as having honest conversations about church going forward. I'm far from blameless here - I just had no idea how to approach the conversation and went in unprepared.
Anyway... Thanks for listening. It feels good to get it out there... I know I don't have it as bad as others, so I definitely feel for those who have been dealing with this for longer than me with bad results. I hope we all start finding our own answers soon!