NOM

Okay all, I'm feeling grateful this morning as I'm reading through some things on Reddit and a couple of private FB groups about spouses and their lack of support. I decided to name a few things my DW has done to support me and encourage all to do the same. My spouse is not where I'm at belief-wise, but she's been incredibly supportive. Here are a few things:

• When I told her I lost my testimony, she told me she'd stand by me even if I left the church

• She emailed her family (and mine) asking them not to try and fix me

• Bought the Time magazine special on coffee for my 13yo to read so she's not so worried about me drinking it

• Asked to be released from her callings so we can spend more time on weekends as a family outside of church

These are just a few things. I think it's easy to get bogged down in how our spouses disagree with us or our feelings of discomfort when they discuss the church. Picking out some things to be grateful for helps me to stay centered and realize she still cares about me.

IT_Veteran wrote: ↑Wed Apr 18, 2018 10:10 am My spouse is not where I'm at belief-wise, but she's been incredibly supportive.

Yep, you definitely need to consider yourself...

Congratulations on having such a supportive spouse. My dear wife has not quite reached that level of support, but I have to give her a lot of credit for coming to a level of peace with my status.

I was thinking about switching from diet soda to coffee to medicate my ADD. DH found Kurig coffee makers on sale and bought me one. Now, when I get acting scatter brained, he tells me to get some coffee. I asked about going back to church and he not only told me no, but heck no. He sees how much happier I am since I dropped out of church and likes me apostate. And medicated. He gets really irritated when I am all ADD.

alas wrote: ↑Wed Apr 18, 2018 2:19 pm I was thinking about switching from diet soda to coffee to medicate my ADD. DH found Kurig coffee makers on sale and bought me one. Now, when I get acting scatter brained, he tells me to get some coffee. I asked about going back to church and he not only told me no, but heck no. He sees how much happier I am since I dropped out of church and likes me apostate. And medicated. He gets really irritated when I am all ADD.

Nice!

Congratulations!!!

There are so many difficult stories in this world, that I am excited to hear a great one.

hiding in plain sight wrote: ↑Wed Apr 18, 2018 3:48 pm Congratulations!!!

There are so many difficult stories in this world, that I am excited to hear a great one.

That's why I wanted to post this here, not just to brag about my wife. I think it's important for us to recognize the supportive things our spouses do for us, even when they disagree. I also recognize this may be a hard topic for some, for which I apologize. For those that do have a hard time with it or an unsupportive spouse, I hope that it gives you hope. I would love to hear more about the ways that others' spouses have supported them as well.

This is a good point. DW told me I didn't have to watch any of conference this last time, and was true to her word and even worked on a project with me on Saturday instead of listening herself.

slavereeno wrote: ↑Wed Apr 18, 2018 4:46 pm This is a good point. DW told me I didn't have to watch any of conference this last time, and was true to her word and even worked on a project with me on Saturday instead of listening herself.

Awesome! That's the kind of stuff I'm talking about. Little ways that our otherwise TBM spouses support us that may go unrecognized. Just an opportunity to really think about it and recognize them for those things we would have otherwise overlooked.

Oh, one I didn't mention that I really appreciate. He tells people at church when they ask how they can help, that the best thing they can do is leave me alone about church. I don't get bugged by people wanting to fix me.

alas wrote: ↑Thu Apr 19, 2018 10:33 am Oh, one I didn't mention that I really appreciate. He tells people at church when they ask how they can help, that the best thing they can do is leave me alone about church. I don't get bugged by people wanting to fix me.

That might be my favorite so far...

IT_Veteran wrote: ↑Wed Apr 18, 2018 10:10 am I decided to name a few things my DW has done to support me and encourage all to do the same. My spouse is not where I'm at belief-wise, but she's been incredibly supportive.

As I'm in a mixed faith relationship myself, I need to read this section more. I just get so caught up in the support/doctrinal sections, I forget that there are other interesting posts!

Thanks for this post, IT. (And it was great to see your wife sign up here too, btw. The family that vents together, stays together .) I need to give a shout out to Sis M too. While she's still TBM to the core, and we still argue about the church a fair bit, the reality is our relationship has grown stronger and I think she's coming around to the idea that this is not just a phase, this is me now. And she's really trying hard to deal with that reality. It's not easy for her, it screws up her idea of a perfect Mormon family, but she's trying. In fact, she's been instrumental in helping another Mormon mom deal with her son's apostasy by telling her how she's been dealing with me lately. Yeah, it's full of platitudes and "I'm sure Mormorrisey will see the light one day," but she's recognizing the relationship is pretty important these days. For that, I'm pretty grateful. And this after a pretty tense discussion that our house needs more "exact obedience," just earlier this week. (And no, I did not call for us to be more exactly obedient, just in case you're wondering.)

But what's different, is that conversation did not last too long, we came to an understanding that we just don't agree, and that was that. And then we just went back to life. If we can do this for the next 20 years or so, boy will I be happy.

Thank you for sharing that! I think recognizing ways the relationship has strengthened can be helpful.

Here are the things I love about how my TBM DW has handled the "situation":

- Even though she said she wants to punch me in the face, she has given me plenty of space and time to think and process what I'm going through.
- She has agreed with many of the issues I have with church culture and how it can negatively affect people.
- Since we have 2 adult daughters who stopped wanting to go to church as teenagers, she understands a lot of the incorrect assumptions that members have about those who leave. She was surprised to learn that DD1's main reason for leaving was the people being judgmental and treating her differently.
- She has not completely shut down to hearing some difficult things about church history, and has looked at some material I have sent her that refer to Church Essays. It's great to have LDS.org as a resource in our corner!
- She has repeatedly said that we are in this together! This is important, not only because she is super hot (I was a very obedient missionary so I earned a hot wife), but it's the church that teaches that families are our top priority in this world. Staying with an unbeliever is keeping the commandments! We'll be blessed!
- I HOPE she sees over time that we have been no less blessed and I am no less happy (more happy, in fact) since I stopped believing. She does not know just how much I disbelieve, but she knows it's serious.

Because I'm just taking it one day at a time right now, it's making it easier to NOT have to worry about timeframes or "I'm out of here by..." type of thinking. I'm going to keep going to church as long as it is a net positive for me and my family, based on all the reasons I go there now (social/community benefits, "Body of Christ" feeling, service opportunities), or would not want to go in the future (not wanting to gag the next time I'm promised my career will improve by reading the BoM more, having to hear "Praise to the Man" and other prophet-worship, etc).

But still I'm willing to be very patient and pace myself based on what my DW needs from me. It's been very hard for her, especially since we have some other very serious family issues we're dealing with.

Those are all great reasons. We all struggle with the right thing to say sometimes, but I'm glad she's overall supportive of you and your daughters.

Spouseman is

-A loving and supportive husband.
-A good listener who doesn't criticize me for feeling I need to leave the church.
-An all around just GOOD PERSON. Love him.
-A great and loving parent to our kids.
-Really interesting to talk to about anything under the sun. He's finally getting to where he will talk to me about church again...it's a good thing.