My fantasy TR interview

[Reuben]

I started fantasizing about a thoroughly honest TR interview after I read Hagoth's bold declaration on another thread:

The other reason that I forgot to mention is that I'm a 60-year old man, for crying out loud, and I am just done with the absurdity of sitting down in a closed room with a middle-aged guy from down the street and allowing him to judge me in regards to my "worthiness," and to verify that I meet his standards of underwear respect. It's madness. I think I'm old enough to finally be a grown-up.

So here's a "best of" from my inner monologue.

1. Do you have faith in and a testimony of God the Eternal Father, His Son Jesus Christ, and the Holy Ghost?

None of your business.

2. Do you have a testimony of the Atonement of Christ and of His role as Savior and Redeemer?

None of your business.

3. Do you have a testimony of the restoration of the gospel in these the latter days?

None of your business. But if you must know, I can't even hope that this is true anymore.

4. Do you sustain the President of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints as the Prophet, Seer, and Revelator and as the only person on the earth who possesses and is authorized to exercise all priesthood keys? Do you sustain members of the First Presidency and the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles as prophets, seers, and revelators? Do you sustain the other General Authorities and local authorities of the Church?

None of your business. By the way, do you think it's possible for them to make huge mistakes that hurt a lot of people, and if so, how should we notify them when they do so we can keep sustaining them with a clear conscience?

5. Do you live the law of chastity?

Definitely none of your business, and why are you so concerned about what my tender mercies are up to?

6. Is there anything in your conduct relating to members of your family that is not in harmony with the teachings of the Church?

This might be your business because my family are still believing members, but what abuser would ever admit to it?

7. Do you support, affiliate with, or agree with any group or individual whose teachings or practices are contrary to or oppose those accepted by the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints?

None of your business. But if you must know, yes. Many. So do you, because you're talking to me, and you work for a company that supports same-sex marriage.

8. Do you strive to keep the covenants you have made, to attend your sacrament and other meetings, and to keep your life in harmony with the laws and commandments of the gospel?

None of your business, and why is the gospel being reduced to meetings and obedience?

9. Are you honest in your dealings with your fellow men?

This might be your business because I deal with "fellow men" who are believing members, but what dishonest person would ever admit to it?

10. Are you a full tithe payer?

None of your business. I mite be, ha ha.

11. Do your keep the Word of Wisdom?

None of your business. I always swear by the temple instead of by the gold on the temple, though, and I never travel more than 2000 cubits from my home on the Sabbath.

12. Do you have financial or other obligations to a former spouse or children? If yes, are you current in meeting those obligations?

This might be your business if I did and they were believing members, but why wouldn't you ask them instead of me?

13a. Do you keep the covenants that you made in the temple?

None of your business. For what it's worth, I made them under duress, so regardless of whether I was sincere at the time, they're unenforceable - unless we hold God to a lower standard than we hold people.

13b. Do you wear the garment both night and day as instructed in the endowment and in accordance with the covenant you made in the temple?

Definitely none of your business. Want to know about my broad phylacteries and long tassels instead?

Also, at what point was I instructed to wear the garment both night and day?

14. Have there been any sins or misdeeds in your life that should have been resolved with priesthood authorities but have not been?

No, because there are no sins and misdeeds that need priesthood authority to resolve.

15. Do you consider yourself worthy to enter the Lord's house and participate in temple ordinances?

Yes.

Now I have a few questions for you, bishop.

1. Suppose Jesus were designing a TR interview. Based on what we know of his life and teachings, what do you think he would ask?

2. Based on who Jesus forgave and who he condemned, who do you think he would judge as worthy?

3. How does the church justify putting you between me and God, when Jesus said to judge not, the scriptures say he employs no servant at the gates of heaven, the veil of the temple was torn in half when Jesus died, Jesus condemned those who "shut up the kingdom of heaven against men," and D&C 107 clearly restricts your duties as a judge to legal cases?

[MoPag]

This is super fun Reuben!!!!

My fantasy TR interview:

1. Do you have faith in and a testimony of God the Eternal Father, His Son Jesus Christ, and the Holy Ghost?

I believe in lots of Gods and Goddesses, but yes, El, Jesus and HG are in there- so we're cool.

2. Do you have a testimony of the Atonement of Christ and of His role as Savior and Redeemer?

I reject your attempts to weapon-ize Christ and use his life and teachings as a way manipulate and control me and my family. Christ was about love and inclusion and kicking a$$ when you need to. And that's how I try to live my life.

3. Do you have a testimony of the restoration of the gospel in these the latter days?

Well JS certainly started somethin' didn't he?

4. Do you sustain the President of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints as the Prophet, Seer, and Revelator and as the only person on the earth who possesses and is authorized to exercise all priesthood keys? Do you sustain members of the First Presidency and the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles as prophets, seers, and revelators? Do you sustain the other General Authorities and local authorities of the Church?

Nelson is a heart surgeon. I sustain him as a heart surgeon. But the priesthood he and his buddies "hold" is kind of a sad joke. None of them possess the talent to either prophecy, see or revelate. Furthermore they are bureaucrats, not theologians. Most of them should be enjoying a retired life with their families.

5. Do you live the law of chastity?

None yo' damn business!!!!

6. Is there anything in your conduct relating to members of your family that is not in harmony with the teachings of the Church?

No, but I have an abusive, a$$hole ex whose conduct is not in harmony. But you've never seemed to care about that. So let's move on.

7. Do you support, affiliate with, or agree with any group or individual whose teachings or practices are contrary to or oppose those accepted by the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints?

As mentioned in answer to question 2, I do try to follow the teaching of Jesus, which are sadly often opposed to the CoJCoLDS.

8. Do you strive to keep the covenants you have made, to attend your sacrament and other meetings, and to keep your life in harmony with the laws and commandments of the gospel?

I strive to mourn with those that mourn and comfort those that stand in need of comfort and to bear one another's burdens. SM sucks a$$ so I usually don't go. But I go to RS so I can do my calling.

9. Are you honest in your dealings with your fellow men?

A hell of a lot more honest than the church is...

10. Are you a full tithe payer?

I prefer to give my money to directly to charitable organizations that actually help people.

11. Do your keep the Word of Wisdom?

I am well aware of what is healthy and what is not.

12. Do you have financial or other obligations to a former spouse or children? If yes, are you current in meeting those obligations?

No, but my ex owes me a ton of $$$. You probably already gave his recommend though, didn't you???

13a. Do you keep the covenants that you made in the temple?

All the covenants made in the temple are to help build Zion. Zion is supposed to be a people of one heart with no poor among them. The church is constantly labeling, and dehumanizing people. They are working against the idea of Zion. I don't own them sh*t.

13b. Do you wear the garment both night and day as instructed in the endowment and in accordance with the covenant you made in the temple?

I do. They are super comfy. I did lower the waistlines. Why? Because I wanted to.
*then I would weave a very graphic and detailed story about removing period stains from my gs.*

14. Have there been any sins or misdeeds in your life that should have been resolved with priesthood authorities but have not been?

Your priesthood is a joke. If I have a serious problem I will see a trained, professional counselor.

15. Do you consider yourself worthy to enter the Lord's house and participate in temple ordinances?

Hell yes!

[Reuben]

Dude, MoPag... do you live in a one-party consent state? Because I seriously want a recording.

[Red Ryder]

Y'all have a different version of fantasy than I do!

RR: drives to the church wearing a nice suit and tie. Walks in and knocks on the Bishops door.

Bishop Cindy Crawford answers: well hello RR, glad you could make it! Shuts door!

As Mopag said: What happens next is "None yo' damn business!!!!"

[wtfluff]

I agree with RR: I wouldn't call creative temple recommend answers a "fantasy", but I do have a few sarcastic remarks that I'd probably enjoy saying out loud, to a bishop with a sense of humor. I'll just pick and choose my favorites.


4. Do you sustain the President of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints as the Prophet, Seer, and Revelator and as the only person on the earth who possesses and is authorized to exercise all priesthood keys? Do you sustain members of the First Presidency and the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles as prophets, seers, and revelators? Do you sustain the other General Authorities and local authorities of the Church?

• I can't find Hinckley's quote in one of his interview where he was asked about being a "prophet" and he said "I am called as such" or "I am sustained as such". I'd like to answer just like Hinckley and possibly quote him: "Yes they are sustained as such."
• Another fun answer would be: "Yes, I agree that those are their corporate titles."

5. Do you live the law of chastity?

• How did Joseph Smith do in that department?

7. Do you support, affiliate with, or agree with any group or individual whose teachings or practices are contrary to or oppose those accepted by the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints?

• YES! Just like ~70,000 missionaries do, and just like Jesus (allegedly) did when he was (allegedly) around.

9. Are you honest in your dealings with your fellow men?

• Like MoPag says:

  A hell of a lot more honest than the church is...

10. Are you a full tithe payer?

• I over-paid for way too long. Honestly, I think I've paid far enough in advance that I can comfortably say I'm good until I die.

11. Do your keep the Word of Wisdom?

• (REPEAT) How did Joseph Smith do in that department?

13b. Do you wear the garment both night and day as instructed in the endowment and in accordance with the covenant you made in the temple?

• What covenant?

15. Do you consider yourself worthy to enter the Lord's house and participate in temple ordinances?

• Yeah, I actually do, but honestly I hope I never set foot in one of those buildings again. My middle fingers are tired enough from saluting them.

[redjay]

you guys. I don't think I can top these.

[No Tof]

If in the unlikely event I was ever in such an interview again I fantasize that I could answer all the yes and no’s properly to get the card and see someone married while keeping a straight face.



Loved all of your fantasy answers and that would make it even harder to keep the straight face

[Jeffret]

Here's mine:

[Reuben]

Here's mine:

You win for sheer cheek.

[Jeffret]

Here's mine:

You win for sheer cheek.

It's the one I've been doing for many years now and it's truly the only way to do it.

[moksha]

1. Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth knowing you will not be punished as a result?

2. Will you try to be kinder and more gracious to others you meet in life?

3 Knowing it is encouraged, but not demanded, will you vow to abstain from black licorice and beef liver?

[deacon blues]

As it says in the parable of the Pharisee and the Publican, “Have mercy on me a sinner” is the answer that Jesus approves. I hope I didn’t mess up the spirit of levity in this thread.