Just a Little Rant

[a1986]

Just wanted to express some frustrations to people that might understand what I'm going through. My husband's parents are coming into town this weekend and we are supposed to be spending time with them and his SIL and her family. This is going to involve a 45-minute drive from our place and lots of stress and anxiety on my part that is already beginning today (we were invited today). As soon as my husband told me about it, I immediately said "I really don't want to go down there" and meant it. The town we're going to does not offer a lot in the way of things to do and we will just be staying in his SIL's condo the whole time sitting around and maybe playing games which gives plenty of opportunity for awkwardness and anxiety-inducing conversation. I'm also just not the type of person to go to someone else's home to "hang out." If I'm going to hang out and relax, it's going to be at my home. I don't like going to other people's houses other than for a specific purpose and for a limited amount of time. His SIL also invited us to stay the night (which I'm definitely not going to do).

My husband is not at all supportive and makes me feel like I am stupid or ridiculous for feeling this way. Like I shouldn't feel like this because he loves his family so much and is looking forward to seeing them. He just doesn't get it. I try to explain why I feel like that and how it feels. . . I cannot be myself, I can't say what I'm really thinking / feeling, I feel like the "outsider"--his family knows we don't go to church, but they don't know I have no interest in being part of the church so they keep trying to encourage religious involvement, i.e. his dad calls me over to "do family history" and "look at my geneology." I try to tell him I've already looked at my family history on family search and I don't really want to but he is easily hurt and I don't want to hurt his feelings. I just feel like the entire thing is so stressful and he doesn't really acknowledge or seem aware of awkward situations or how I'm feeling. There is no support from his side and it's been obvious from the beginning of our marriage that he sides with his family. This is fine, I get it, he is still believing and wants to be with his family in the after life. A little understanding / empathy toward my side would be nice. I told him whether he wants to be or not, he is the mediator between his family and I and I need him to help me out a little bit with these kinds of situations. After I tell him these things, he ignores me, eats his breakfast and walks upstairs to play his video games. . .

Part of me wants to go and just cause a big commotion and make a "scene" and tell everyone that my husband and I are considering divorce, I have no interest in the church or having children and I'm a RAGING feminist, but that's just not my style (although I almost wish it was).

I'm debating whether I should go or not. If I do go, I am going to feel like I have to be fake happy the whole time and act like everything's fine. I'm not good at that. My real emotions are going to come bubbling up. I tried that before when his BIL was named a high priest and his SIL and I were there as witnesses (not sure where my husband was and why he wasn't there) and I was so uncomfortable the whole time.

Anyway, a long rant. Not sure how to handle things and feel very alone and sad, so naturally I felt the need to come here and blab about it. thanks for reading.

[Linked]

Rant away a1986!

That is a very difficult situation. I know because I am living it as well. My wife could have written your post, except I'm the one who doesn't believe, but she is the one sensitive to the awkwardness. For us this issue pre-dates my faith change, it even started before our marriage. I like to go to people's houses and have people over and she does not. But she feels like if she doesn't go then people are going to think she is a b****. So she comes and hates it. I am the polar opposite, I would have sleepovers at friend's houses every weekend if I could, even now. It has been one of the biggest strains in our relationship.

I guess what I am trying to say is it sounds like this issue is bigger than faith differences. Faith differences definitely exacerbate the issue, but even if you were TBM would you want to go stay the night somewhere with his family? Or even with your own family or close friends? For my wife she would never choose to do any of those things. Apologies if I jumped to the wrong conclusion.

We still don't have it figured out, but I try to be understanding and so does she. My sister just finished a cabin and she invites everyone to stay up there for holidays, so for this year we talked about what would be acceptable to each of us and decided on how many days and nights we would stay at the cabin between Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years. My sister invited us for more days than we had decided on, and I responded that we could only make it for the days my wife and I had decided on. DW was still miserable up there, but not for as long as I would have liked to stay up there. I think we were both moderately happy with the situation. Could you do something like that with your DH?

As for the faith side of things, I'm not sure how to deal with in-laws as my wife doesn't want to tell them I don't believe anymore. Based on how church discussions have affected the rest of my relationships I would talk about it with them as little as possible as it has put large wedges in all relationships I have with TBMs.

[alas]

First of all, I think you need to sort issues. It sounds like you are an introvert, married to an extrovert who just doesn't get it that you need your own bed at night, some personal space when visiting others, and you hate forced "hanging out." Then there is the "in law" issue. It is NORMAL to not feel as comfortable with in laws as you do your own family. Another issue is the discomfort about church issues. And, I don't know if there are other issues that are making you uncomfortable.

Once you know what your issues are, then you can begin to find solutions.

Your husband should understand you being an introvert, so explain to him your emotional limits. For example, you might be willing to sit and talk for 2 hours, but go buggy if expected to chat longer. While you can't change your introversion, there are compromises. One you can demand is you get to go home at night. Another might be you get to go for a walk by yourself after 2 hours of chatting. Another is to something to do, like I used to take hand work for being in that kind of situation, knitting, hand sewing, embroidery. There is one step to the stained glass DH and I do that is hand work, and it even makes a great conversation starter. But even knitting is something they can ask what you are making. This way, you have something you can sit quietly and do when you don't want to play board games, so you are with the people, but still doing your own thing. It makes it more comfortable to sit quietly and listen to other people chat when you are doing something with your hands, and gives you an excuse not to play charades or whatever game you can't stand. You could also use it as an excuse to get out of genealogy by just saying, "no thanks. I have this knitting project that I promised to get done." You in laws may think you are obsessed with your knitting, but so what? It is better than feeling pressured into things you don't want to do.

The uncomfortable with the in laws thing is best cured by getting to know them better. So, plan questions to ask them before you leave home. This will make the hours of conversation much easier if you are prepared ahead of time.

And with church stuff, think about what boundaries you want. For example, if you are not interested in genealogy, that is one boundary. Then think through what to say to politely say. "My family has already done the easy genealogy and I am just not interested enough to do the hours of digging to find more names." If you do not want to attend church with them, set that as a boundary and figure out what you might say to enforce it. Something along the lines of, "You know I am not active in my own ward. Please don't pressure me to attend yours." And if you don't want to discuss church topics, figure out what to say if asked about something. A LOT of the church stuff you can just let them talk and you quietly listen. You can set your personal boundary at, "No matter what the group is talking about, I am going to let it be about them and their beliefs and not try to convince them of anything, so I will just quietly listen." It is harder in one on one conversations, because you have to reply. But you can learn to give noncommittal answers and then change the subject.

[Linked]

Your husband should understand you being an introvert, so explain to him your emotional limits. For example, you might be willing to sit and talk for 2 hours, but go buggy if expected to chat longer. While you can't change your introversion, there are compromises. One you can demand is you get to go home at night. Another might be you get to go for a walk by yourself after 2 hours of chatting. Another is to something to do, like I used to take hand work for being in that kind of situation, knitting, hand sewing, embroidery. There is one step to the stained glass DH and I do that is hand work, and it even makes a great conversation starter. But even knitting is something they can ask what you are making. This way, you have something you can sit quietly and do when you don't want to play board games, so you are with the people, but still doing your own thing. It makes it more comfortable to sit quietly and listen to other people chat when you are doing something with your hands, and gives you an excuse not to play charades or whatever game you can't stand. You could also use it as an excuse to get out of genealogy by just saying, "no thanks. I have this knitting project that I promised to get done." You in laws may think you are obsessed with your knitting, but so what? It is better than feeling pressured into things you don't want to do.

I really like this advice, I think I may bring it up with my wife next time we have a family gathering.

[RubinHighlander]

My answer to this would be...MJ edibles. Sorry, I know that's not much help, but at the right dose, they really do help out quite a bit with otherwise uncomfortable and mundane situations. So, if you happen to be passing through CO, NV or WA you might just make an excuse to go to "The Store".

[Red Ryder]

Tell them you have the flu!

[a1986]

My answer to this would be...MJ edibles. Sorry, I know that's not much help, but at the right dose, they really do help out quite a bit with otherwise uncomfortable and mundane situations. So, if you happen to be passing through CO, NV or WA you might just make an excuse to go to "The Store".

haha well I live in Alaska where we have pot stores now but it's not my thing in the least. thanks for the suggestion though! I can see how it could be helpful

[a1986]

First of all, I think you need to sort issues. It sounds like you are an introvert, married to an extrovert who just doesn't get it that you need your own bed at night, some personal space when visiting others, and you hate forced "hanging out." Then there is the "in law" issue. It is NORMAL to not feel as comfortable with in laws as you do your own family. Another issue is the discomfort about church issues. And, I don't know if there are other issues that are making you uncomfortable.

Once you know what your issues are, then you can begin to find solutions.

Your husband should understand you being an introvert, so explain to him your emotional limits. For example, you might be willing to sit and talk for 2 hours, but go buggy if expected to chat longer. While you can't change your introversion, there are compromises. One you can demand is you get to go home at night. Another might be you get to go for a walk by yourself after 2 hours of chatting. Another is to something to do, like I used to take hand work for being in that kind of situation, knitting, hand sewing, embroidery. There is one step to the stained glass DH and I do that is hand work, and it even makes a great conversation starter. But even knitting is something they can ask what you are making. This way, you have something you can sit quietly and do when you don't want to play board games, so you are with the people, but still doing your own thing. It makes it more comfortable to sit quietly and listen to other people chat when you are doing something with your hands, and gives you an excuse not to play charades or whatever game you can't stand. You could also use it as an excuse to get out of genealogy by just saying, "no thanks. I have this knitting project that I promised to get done." You in laws may think you are obsessed with your knitting, but so what? It is better than feeling pressured into things you don't want to do.

The uncomfortable with the in laws thing is best cured by getting to know them better. So, plan questions to ask them before you leave home. This will make the hours of conversation much easier if you are prepared ahead of time.

And with church stuff, think about what boundaries you want. For example, if you are not interested in genealogy, that is one boundary. Then think through what to say to politely say. "My family has already done the easy genealogy and I am just not interested enough to do the hours of digging to find more names." If you do not want to attend church with them, set that as a boundary and figure out what you might say to enforce it. Something along the lines of, "You know I am not active in my own ward. Please don't pressure me to attend yours." And if you don't want to discuss church topics, figure out what to say if asked about something. A LOT of the church stuff you can just let them talk and you quietly listen. You can set your personal boundary at, "No matter what the group is talking about, I am going to let it be about them and their beliefs and not try to convince them of anything, so I will just quietly listen." It is harder in one on one conversations, because you have to reply. But you can learn to give noncommittal answers and then change the subject.

Yes, you're right, it's not just the possibility of church topics coming up / my own awkwardness around church stuff that bugs me but also spending time with them in general. I am definitely an introvert but my awkwardness / uncomfortableness is compounded by feelings around "church stuff." On top of all of this, our marriage really is not going well so I truly feel like the "outsider" even if they aren't aware of our crumbling marriage.

I do need to put up stronger boundaries. This is so hard because it's totally alien to his family--"boundaries?! what are those??" and I don't want to come across like I hate everyone. I need to strike a balance I suppose. I do love knitting! I have tried this before, but after some time I'm "summoned" to the kitchen table for board games or whatnot.

Anyway thanks for replying to my whine fest. I appreciate it.

[a1986]

Rant away a1986!

That is a very difficult situation. I know because I am living it as well. My wife could have written your post, except I'm the one who doesn't believe, but she is the one sensitive to the awkwardness. For us this issue pre-dates my faith change, it even started before our marriage. I like to go to people's houses and have people over and she does not. But she feels like if she doesn't go then people are going to think she is a b****. So she comes and hates it. I am the polar opposite, I would have sleepovers at friend's houses every weekend if I could, even now. It has been one of the biggest strains in our relationship.

I guess what I am trying to say is it sounds like this issue is bigger than faith differences. Faith differences definitely exacerbate the issue, but even if you were TBM would you want to go stay the night somewhere with his family? Or even with your own family or close friends? For my wife she would never choose to do any of those things. Apologies if I jumped to the wrong conclusion.

We still don't have it figured out, but I try to be understanding and so does she. My sister just finished a cabin and she invites everyone to stay up there for holidays, so for this year we talked about what would be acceptable to each of us and decided on how many days and nights we would stay at the cabin between Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years. My sister invited us for more days than we had decided on, and I responded that we could only make it for the days my wife and I had decided on. DW was still miserable up there, but not for as long as I would have liked to stay up there. I think we were both moderately happy with the situation. Could you do something like that with your DH?

As for the faith side of things, I'm not sure how to deal with in-laws as my wife doesn't want to tell them I don't believe anymore. Based on how church discussions have affected the rest of my relationships I would talk about it with them as little as possible as it has put large wedges in all relationships I have with TBMs.

Yes, your wife and I could probably relate (in some ways) I am an introvert, but I guess what I didn't say is that the church stuff definitely compounds my not wanting to be around my husband's family. If I was still a member and things were hunky dory, I'd be fine around his family (for a limited amount of time, of course ) But still wouldn't want to spend the night at someone else's house if I could help it. My husband is really not much of an extrovert, more somewhere in between, but he is obviously more comfortable with his family. He is usually fine if I set a limit on how long I'm willing to stay over, etc. . . .

I hear you on "putting wedges" in your relationships. I feel the same, though it is mostly due to me withdrawing. I find I miss a lot of people but my fear of disappointing them gets in the way of me reaching out.

Good luck to you and your wife!