NOM

My mom and I have been corresponding via email about our beliefs. It has been really nice. We both express our love for each other a lot and try to be respectful, but want to know what the other is thinking/feeling.

In my latest email I listed some of the fears I have had as I navigate my faith change. Losing my family, losing the respect of my children, hurt job opportunities, that kind of thing.

ETA - She was nice about it, told me she loved me and that there is always a bed for me at her house no matter what.

My mom is currently a Stake Missionary and she shared some of my fears (keeping me anonymous I think) at a recent missionary meeting. She shared them saying that this is what some people might feel like when they JOIN the church. I don't mind her sharing my thoughts, but I think she's got it wrong. I think she needs to differentiate between a few things. The LDS church creates an environment where leaving is one of the worst things you can do. It's a high demand religion. Only other high demand religions come with that environment.

Some definitions and situations:

High Demand Religions
Low Demand Religions
Joining
Leaving

- People LEAVING a High Demand Religion feel like I do; afraid their relationships with those in the religion will suffer or be lost.
- Families of people LEAVING a High Demand Religion fear their family member is lost, led astray, apostate, possibly a bad influence that needs to be cut off.

- People JOINING a High Demand Religion might feel like they are finding something good, though they may wonder where their free time and their non-church relationships go.
- Families of people JOINING a High Demand Religion from a Low Demand Religion may think their loved ones are joining a cult and fear they are a little crazy. Similar feelings for going to the far right or left politically from the middle.
- Families of people JOINING a High Demand Religion from another High Demand Religion get both feelings, their loved ones have been led astray and they are in a cult and crazy.

- Families of people JOINING a Low Demand Religion from another Low Demand Religion probably don't have any relationship issues caused. (I don't really have any experience here...)



Ok, that's it, I swear.

Hey, aren't you supposed to be taking a break.

You can leave NOM but you can't leave it alone...

Leaving the church reminds me of Tom Cruise trying to leave his law firm in the movie The Firm. They are watching his every move. He finally has to make a deal with the devil (mafia) to actually get out.

It has been some time since I talked with recent converts. But, even 10 years ago they told me most of their family and friends just don't understand why they feel they need it (what is so bad about your life, current faith, or social groups). Those that didn't get asked those questions probably needed the church, their family might feel they need something.

Link, your post has made me think. During my current trying churches, do I really need something new, or what is so bad about being a Mormon on my own terms?

It’s equally devastating on both sides.

I think one of the blind spots TBMs, particularly BIC TBMs have, is the inability to understand and empathize with people who change religions.

I have a parent (for ease of pronouns, I’ll say it’s my mom) who joined the church as a teenager. It ruined her relationship with her family. Destroyed it. Marriage in the temple. Kids who married in the temple. We didn’t spend time with that side of the family, because: Sundays, alcohol, cohabitation, cigarettes, being told by my grandparents we were going to hell every time I saw them, including the first time they met my husband and then they included him in the indictment. My grandmother swore Mormonism was a cult and never changed her mind to the day she died. Even though my mom is a nonbeliever now, she can’t go back. The family moved on without her, I’m not sure they know what to make of her or feel they can trust her. Totally damaged relationships.

So far as damaging job prospects, let’s face it: the choices that are open to a person who is Mormon and someone who is not are very different, particularly for a woman. Networking can be a hassle too, when alcohol isn’t involved anymore. Makes you a real square.

Since I was raised by a convert, I think I always had more empathy toward people who joined the church. I never could get on board with missionary work. Who was I to tell someone to ruin their family relationships, to change their entire way of life for a religion? A religion, I was fairly certain I would never have joined had I not been BIC.

I think your mom is right, but what she (maybe, I don’t know her, but I’ll say most TBMs I know, including my husband) fails to understand is how devastating it is to anyone who changes their strongly held beliefs. There’s damage done all around.