NOM

I request encouragement through empathy. I've been out of the LDS tradition probably 4 years officially, and maybe teetering on the edge for at least 5 prior years. I am dealing as best I can with the MASSIVE HOLE: socially, emotionally, and spiritually (if that later one even exists) from the break I've made. In the midst of this transition, literally affecting half a decade of living, I can see no way to return to the LDS way: the lies continue to mount (It never seems to amaze me how often I find something else they lied about!); the encounters I have with TBMs who blatantly refuse to even consider alternate interpretations, and judge me by it; and the social ramifications that affect me because of living in the "heart land" of Murray Utah, as well as being surrounded entirely by thousands of TBMs....I could go on.

I've had my whole life and world turned upside down.

I'm divorced which is, IMHO, the best way possible to REALLY commit financial suicide. Avoid that if possible out there--I wish that on NO ONE!

My father is very old, and I am, besides being a full-time employee in a VERY stressful job, a caregiver for my aged father during the night shift.

I have no time for a social life, and THANK THE POWERS THAT BE!!!! I am naturally resilient emotionally! if that weren't the case, I would have buckled years ago. Thoughts of things like suicide NEVER come into my mind, though running away thoughts do come more frequently.

Despite all of this (and this is not a pitty-potty post--this is reality for me), I find myself buckling under the weight. Like I said, the thought crosses my mind more and more of picking up, leaving the country (literally), and just disappearing--going south and building a life somehow, some way, where I can get up in the morning and take a moment and watch the sun rise without having to brace myself to somehow deal with what the day throws.

I'm feeling the weight....can I say it like that?....I'm feeling the weight!

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The thing that I miss the most, that I notice the most, is I have no soft place to land. The buck stops with me: if I don't care for, provide for, and management my own life, no one will.

Above all, I miss the carefree days of being a child, knowing mommy and daddy were there, and all would be OK. I could run and cry to them, and they could fix it with ice-cream and a hug.

Just recently I laid my head across my 91 year old father's chest, and he instinctively reached his hand up and caressed my hair. I let myself rest; I let the stress just drain for a moment,...and I felt the trembling hand of my father touch me. In no more than about 2 years, I'm pretty sure he will pass--this winter will be very difficult for him.

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Enough said. I'm NOT on a pitty potty at all...but I am having a moment of reflection. My life (I speak for myself ONLY) causes those moments.

Can anyone out there show some empathy with this?....please PLEASE don't take this wrong...but does anyone out there bleed?....cry?....struggle?.....GAWD,...would someone just tell me I'm not alone in this?

Rob, first of all, I don't think this is a pity party, because everyone has moments where we need support. Thanks for being vulnerable and sharing.

Second, caregiving for an elderly parent is HARD. I cared for my mother, and while I cherish that time I got with her, it was hard. It is not just the physical work of caregiving, but there is an emotional role reversal. For the first time in adulthood, you can't really get emotional support from the parent. Remember when you first moved out, and had questions about life and how to be an adult, and mom and dad were a phone call away? We get used to emotional support from our parents. When your parent get wrapped up in poor health, they just can't be that emotional support and a person is really alone for the first time.

I also have not found something for my social, emotional, and spiritual needs. There is still a gaping hole where the church used to be. So, I don't have suggestions, other than the standard, join a church, find a group that share a hobby....yeah, with what time? You probably spend spare time taking your father to doctor appointments. My mom averaged one to two a week for the last year.

So, about all I can really say is that I may not know you in real life, but I care about you and hope you can find what you need in real life.

NOM used to talk about the Third Way.

The path of disbelief but functional engagement. I knew a man in St. George, brilliant in many ways, was TBM, but went to a museum one day, saw the bones of a dinosaur and came home and quit the church. His family wasn't happy about it, but he couldn't reconcile the creation story and bones.

Spiritual space is real, and as you have described, painful when disturbed. Spiritual space is both personal and shared. Religion is about creating and maintaining the "shared" part of spiritual space. Some of the crap I believe could put hair on your chest, but I also maintain gentle, safe space with my family.

Hang in there, some good people here.

I have no good advice for you, merely the fellowship of shared pain in our circumstances.

Im so sorry you're in this place. I understand the disconnection, the depression, the frustration, and the loneliness. I hope that there's something small you can do for you, right now.

Please check in frequently sonw know you're ok.

I am so sorry rob. I am not in that situation, but I am keenly aware of how much life sucks sometimes. I am in a situation where life has not worked like I planned both physically and spiritually. Its exhausting to be constantly trying to change things to the better. Hang in there. If there is more we can do apart from internet support let us know. Maybe when your father passes the running away option will be tenable.

Rob4Hope wrote: ↑Sun Oct 08, 2017 9:33 am would someone just tell me I'm not alone in this?

Nope, you're not alone. I sometimes wish there were a NOM "witness protection program" ...

Compassion for where you are. Sounds tough. It's easy to forget when things are going ok how bad things could go. Hopefully things start going the other direction for you soon.

There is probably a caregiver's support group where you are. And in some states, caregivers can get respite. Taking care of you is important to take care of your dad. Please see if extended family will give you 3-4 hours 2 x per week, or even ask your local ward bishop.

Rob, my heart goes out to you. Although I am not physically and emotional as alone as you, I feel spiritually alone. Today in HP group it was very apparent I don't fit in. The "follow the prophet, even if he is wrong" and "people only leave if they are not reading an praying, etc..." baloney was painful today. I don't have the energy to fight these ex bishop, SP, etc.... will not change. I would just red flag myself.

I wish I were not so far away, but please let me know if there is anythijng I can do to help.

Rob4Hope wrote: ↑Sun Oct 08, 2017 9:33 am I request encouragement through empathy. I've been out of the LDS tradition probably 4 years officially, and maybe teetering on the edge for at least 5 prior years. I am dealing as best I can with the MASSIVE HOLE: socially, emotionally, and spiritually (if that later one even exists) from the break I've made. In the midst of this transition, literally affecting half a decade of living, I can see no way to return to the LDS way: the lies continue to mount (It never seems to amaze me how often I find something else they lied about!); the encounters I have with TBMs who blatantly refuse to even consider alternate interpretations, and judge me by it; and the social ramifications that affect me because of living in the "heart land" of Murray Utah, as well as being surrounded entirely by thousands of TBMs....I could go on.

I've had my whole life and world turned upside down.

I'm divorced which is, IMHO, the best way possible to REALLY commit financial suicide. Avoid that if possible out there--I wish that on NO ONE!

My father is very old, and I am, besides being a full-time employee in a VERY stressful job, a caregiver for my aged father during the night shift.

I have no time for a social life, and THANK THE POWERS THAT BE!!!! I am naturally resilient emotionally! if that weren't the case, I would have buckled years ago. Thoughts of things like suicide NEVER come into my mind, though running away thoughts do come more frequently.

Despite all of this (and this is not a pitty-potty post--this is reality for me), I find myself buckling under the weight...

Can anyone out there show some empathy with this?....please PLEASE don't take this wrong...but does anyone out there bleed?....cry?....struggle?.....GAWD,...would someone just tell me I'm not alone in this?

Hi Rob,
I imagine it's really difficult to go through what you are.
Times like this you feel the need to connect - and so I think it's good you're reaching out.
One of the worst things about depression is the lie that you are alone in your suffering.
I think many of us could understand some or more aspects of what you're going through. You are not alone.
It may feel like it - even TBMs can relate with you in some ways - look for how you can relate - at least that's what I'm trying - especially when I feel like they're putting me or other "apostates" down for not thinking as they do.

I hope that you can find good social support - and feel like others care.
And ideally, your job becomes more of a flow for you.
I admire that you see some good and have gratitude - which is probably part of your resilience.
Your dad is lucky to have you - but I hope you find others to help out so you don't feel as much burden.

Rob, I'm so sorry. I know whay it's like to be essentially trapped between work and home.

I'm sure you eat right, exercise, get your sleep and get outside.

Here are some things that saved me when I was in similar circumstances.

Take a cheap or free online class.

They can be found through local educational institutions. There's also the Massive Open Online Classroom. The classes don't have to be serious or for credit. They are more about sanity and thinking new thoughts. I took a class in comedy, for example.

It wasn't perfect, but it sure helped.

.
You are not alone - one of the most difficult things to go through is losing the generation above you (especially your parents). We have always been conditioned to think of our parents as our emotional soft-landing place (this is true even if your childhood home wasn't a testimony to that philosophy). All of a sudden, you realize - "We're it - we are the older generation," and it's like doing the high-wire with no net.

It's even more difficult if you're not married, or if your marriage is unstable (or you're divorced). We turn to our partners for strength, too, and when that isn't there, you're even more alone. Some of us are carrying loads for our children, but don't have a partner or parent to turn to, and it's exhausting physically as well as emotionally.

I'm sorry you're going through this - I know you need time to go through your own sadness as you watch your father decline, and yet you feel you're having to be the strong one.

Please accept some heartfelt ((((( HUGS! ))))) from a NOM sister who cares.

Sorry Rob

That's a tremendous burden to carry.

Get help wherever you can, for respite from caring for your father, friends, charities, the church if he is a member; socially try and carve out time to find a pastime that you might enjoy (the NOM ward is good, but face to face laughter and chat is always a tonic); spiritually, if you can't find a group you want to spend time with, perhaps a counsellor or coach (transitioning away from the church is a trauma).

The bitter sweet message is you will have more time on your hands at some point in the future, although I understand that finding that fact as a source of relief, can also be a source of guilt as we don't want to wish the lives away of our dearest.

Anyway big love to you. And remember no state is permanent: good or bad.

RJ

You have all been so kind.

My cup runneth over.....

(((Hugs)))

Hi Rob, I have been thinking about your post since you posted, but haven't had time to respond. I am sorry life is tough right now. I had 2 grandfathers live with my family growing up after they could no longer care for themselves. Caring for aging parents is a huge amount of work, sometimes with little reward and escape only comes by ignoring your beloved parents or their death. It's almost like an emotional catch-22.

I remember my mom would take my grandfather to dialysis 3 days a week, dropping him off on her way to work and then using her lunch break to take him back home. She did this for years. Now he is gone, but I got closer to him in that time than I ever had before.

Rob4Hope wrote: ↑Sun Oct 08, 2017 9:33 am The thing that I miss the most, that I notice the most, is I have no soft place to land. The buck stops with me: if I don't care for, provide for, and management my own life, no one will.

Above all, I miss the carefree days of being a child, knowing mommy and daddy were there, and all would be OK. I could run and cry to them, and they could fix it with ice-cream and a hug.

Just recently I laid my head across my 91 year old father's chest, and he instinctively reached his hand up and caressed my hair. I let myself rest; I let the stress just drain for a moment,...and I felt the trembling hand of my father touch me. In no more than about 2 years, I'm pretty sure he will pass--this winter will be very difficult for him.

That last paragraph made me tear up. it is beautiful that you could have that moment with your father. I will never forget a moment I had on my mission this reminded me of. I had just been made a senior companion and I was having a hard time dealing with the responsibility I felt that came with. One Sunday at church I was feeling particularly overwhelmed and apparently it showed. A newly baptized older Japanese man walked up and just put his arm around me for a little while. It was like he was taking all the anxiety I was feeling and replacing it with a quiet feeling that things are ok.

Hang in there Rob, we are here with you.

I occasionally have some good days and some where I struggle. Caregiving is difficult. It basically consumes my evenings when I would rather be out doing something else than being home to provide care. It can be difficult to finish the late night chores of the bathing and cleaning routine that is required.

And, at night I turn my phone on loud so I can be awakened if an emergency LifeAlert button is pushed. What is frustrating is the STUPID IM messages that people send in the middle of the night, probably thinking that "Oh, he will see this in the morning." ARGGGG.....

Because I have an oncall routine, it is also necessary for me to respond to the occasional call or IM from those who are in my company, so planning ahead for message filtering is not that easy. Why do friends and family decide to send IM texts at 2 AM? I don't have the luxury of turning off my phone, especially when I have an aged father who lives upstairs and likes to walk around at night.

Anyway....I'm alive and holding my own as best I can.

This coming spring I don't know what my life will entail but I may decide my caregiving days need to be ended.

That sucks. DW and I also have to leave ringers on. Tha la to annoying relatives with all hours texts we did lead. Thast you can choose time schedules that silence some features while leaving the ringer high on smart phones. If you have one you may want to Google how to do that.

Hang in there Rob!