Two Steps Back with DW?

[Deepthinker]

I went several months without bringing up anything related to a faith transition with DW. So, last week I broke that silence and shared a link to a Mormon Stories podcast, and specifically linked to the part where Jen Parkinson discusses her husband’s faith transition. How he was afraid she would leave him, her reaction, etc. My only goal was to give DW another wife’s perspective when their husband goes through a faith crisis.

Her response: “She sounds like she’s just complaining. I didn’t like what she said at all.”

I was disheartened by that response and discussed it with her. She said that she is stressed about my faith transition. She’s worried that I sent her the podcast link because I was planning to stop going to church, which wasn’t the reason. I got the sense that because I hadn’t brought things up for so long, maybe she assumed I was all back to “normal”.

I asked her later that night if she thought there was something wrong with me, because of the issues I have with the church. I asked her if she thought I was broken. Her response: “I don’t know”. I think she doesn’t want to deal with this and she wants to pretend that things are going away. It really wanted me to bring things up some more, but I let it go.

I went ahead and typed up my thoughts after our discussion, partly to think about sending to her and partly to process how I’m feeling. Here is what I thought about sending her:

Hey Gorgeous,
I’m sorry for making you feel stressed out by sending you the podcast link last week. I really have backed off sharing things with you for quite a while. I love you and I respect where you are right now with your beliefs. I don’t share things with you to cause you stress. Some of the things you’ve said to me have caused me stress too. I suppose that’s how marriages typically work, though.

I would like you to just go through a thought process with me, a little true or false. Think about these and ask yourself if you believe that any of these statements are true about me:
1. I didn’t take the foundational claims of the church seriously.
2. I was insincere in my attempts at studying church history.
3. I didn’t study church history to answer people’s questions to help others see Mormonism in a better light. I really only studied it so that I could find out all the problems.
4. I haven’t looked into church issues using credible sources.
5. I haven’t looked into the issues enough.
6. My issues with the church aren’t real; I’m just making them up.
7. My hope in finding issues with the church is so I can justify being lazy and sin all I want.
8. My intent is to cause discord in my marriage.
9. I want to cause my wife stress by sharing with her where I currently am with my beliefs and the church.
10. I really just want to hurt relationships in my family.

I hope you know the truth, that none of these statements are true. Sometimes I feel like you believe at least some of them are true and it makes me sad, and sometimes angry. That you don’t have enough faith and trust in me to be able to weigh the issues, be sincere in my efforts, dig deeply and really struggle to resolve things the best I can. That hurts me.

That you don’t believe I’ve experienced real pain wrestling with these issues is difficult for me. There has been and sometimes still is a great deal of pain and it hurts even more when the person I love the most dismisses it as not real, that I'm just “whining”, or that it’s just me looking at anti-Mormon stuff, or whatever else that invalidates and rewrites my experience.

All I’m after is for you to believe me when I tell you that I have done everything I can to maintain all of the Mormon beliefs I’ve been taught my entire life. I’m asking you to believe me that what I’ve experienced is real, please don't dismiss it as fake.

I love you.
DT

[Linked]

Deepthinker you are not alone. My wife sounds exactly like your wife. My wife is afraid to confront the issue of my disaffection because all the options that get us out of this situation seem bad. She could leave me. Or she could leave her faith. She seems to think that accepting me as an honest truth seeker and respecting me for it is the same as abandoning her faith. And it sucks. Every. Single. Day.

I clearly don't have a solution, but I have tried to be more open about what I mean by things so DW has a voice outside the one in her head telling her awful things. I think it has helped some.

I like what you wrote up, but I think it is more for you than for your wife. It proves how silly it is to think that you are having a faith transition for the reasons the church offers, and your wife may subscribe to. And that helps you stay sane. But proving things isn't going to help her, she will probably just feel attacked and entrench. I think you would be better off telling her how sincere you were in your study, and how much you don't want to hurt her, that has a better chance to resonate emotionally, which is where she if probably at.

[Deepthinker]

Deepthinker you are not alone. My wife sounds exactly like your wife. My wife is afraid to confront the issue of my disaffection because all the options that get us out of this situation seem bad. She could leave me. Or she could leave her faith. She seems to think that accepting me as an honest truth seeker and respecting me for it is the same as abandoning her faith. And it sucks. Every. Single. Day.

I clearly don't have a solution, but I have tried to be more open about what I mean by things so DW has a voice outside the one in her head telling her awful things. I think it has helped some.

I like what you wrote up, but I think it is more for you than for your wife. It proves how silly it is to think that you are having a faith transition for the reasons the church offers, and your wife may subscribe to. And that helps you stay sane. But proving things isn't going to help her, she will probably just feel attacked and entrench. I think you would be better off telling her how sincere you were in your study, and how much you don't want to hurt her, that has a better chance to resonate emotionally, which is where she if probably at.

Thanks Linked. I'm sorry you're going through this too, but I'm also glad I'm not the only one.

That bold part I think really fits my wife too. I've told her that I'm not trying to change her beliefs, don't know that she really believes me. I think that for her any validation of my journey goes against her faith.

I wonder how much I've done a similar assumption about her over our period of religious transition discussion. That I assumed over time she would be more comfortable with my transition, when she was assuming since we discuss it that it was no longer a "problem". I made my assumption because I know we've strengthened our relationship since I've opened up to her.

I'm not going to send her what I wrote. It did help me gather my thoughts so that I can just talk to her about them at some point.

[Emower]

This sucks and I am sorry. I am also in this same situation. Except a little more advanced and with a more understanding spouse. My wife will listen to me, but every time she does, it causes her some stress. It is so difficult to bring anything up in when you are causing someone pain/uncomfortableness.

I would advise not to give up though. I like what Linked said, maybe write something that is less about you and more about her?

I stay silent on things for a while and people think that I have gotten over my issues. Then I link to something on facebook or make a comment and the my whole world seems like to blow up. I have tried to be open and transparent with my feeling towards my wife to hopefully not lull her into a false sense of where I am at. It seems that we are confronting issues all the damn time, but I think that that is healthier than having blowups every 6 months.

Her response: “She sounds like she’s just complaining. I didn’t like what she said at all.”

Boy I hate this response. My family tell me this all the time. "That person is just whining about how they have been treated unfairly." Or, "it sounds like a typical millennial attitude, all about yourself." Or my favorite, "It sounds like a whiny 19 year old who just doesn't have a pair."
Nobody really gets it apart from those who have experienced it. Just know your are not alone, even in your specific situation.

[Red Ryder]

The inability to communicate with each other is inhibiting your forward progress. Most couples will always have disagreements, differences of opinion, and even varying religious beliefs within the same belief system. You both have settled for the tip toe dance. This dance is easy and doesn't require any effort to learn new steps or deepen your trust with each other. She doesn't worry you'll step on her toes. You don't worry she will throw out your back or twist your knee if the pace becomes too fast.

Rather than send her your list of loaded questions above, send her just one simple question. Is my faith transition a deal breaker for our marriage? Ask yourself the reciprocal question. Is her continued mormon faith a deal breaker for our marriage? Then openly discuss and pursue these questions. Learn to talk about it. Learn to know when it's appropriate to exit and wait. Learn to turn towards each other for emotional support even when the talking gets tough, ugly, and exhausting. Learn to respect your differences while respecting each other. Talking won't always solve the problems especially when irrational religious beliefs are at the center of the conflict, but you will feel understood and loved. Mixed faith marriages can work but they take a lot of energy, work, and new boundaries to get there. Move forward 2 steps, not backwards.

[Deepthinker]

Thanks everyone. RR, I have asked my wife that question and her answer was that it isn’t a deal breaker. I asked her that question shortly after coming out to her about everything. I asked myself the similar question and again the same answer.

What is funny is that I’ve felt like our communication has been better than it ever has been in our entire marriage since I opened up to her about my faith transition a few years ago.

I do feel like Linked hit the nail on the head. She feels like she can’t allow herself to in any way validate or accept my transition, because if she did then she would feels like it lessens her faith and I believe that truly scares her.