The Music of My Life

[Linked]

Music is a beautifully complex thing with so many wonderful varieties. Lots of notes, they can be combined into different chords and scales like major/minor/blues and more, different tempos and beats and volume, short pointy sounds and long slow sounds. A combination for any occasion!

As a child I learned to play the piano. Initially I learned very simple songs. Few notes with no chords and a simple beat. The songs were simple but I enjoyed them. As I grew I learned more notes and more complex rhythms. Then I started playing songs with two notes at once and chords were born. Some notes played together mixed well and happily, some were melancholy, most combinations I tried while experimenting were not pleasant. My teacher taught me a few of the theories behind the music, but mostly encouraged me to keep practicing the songs she had assigned. She preferred major chords and I did not get to play minor chords, or blues scales, or the highest and lowest notes on the piano, or play too loud or soft. She was adamant and strict about it with me and all her students. My parents and brothers and sisters had all learned from this teacher. In fact, most of the town had learned from her.

At a general recital there were students of many teachers. The students of my teacher played about as well as the other kids, but we all played songs using major chords and scales. Some of the songs we heard from other students had minor chords and got too loud sometimes. Our teacher gave us a look to make sure we knew that those were bad. After the recital all my teacher's students got together and talked about what was wrong with those other songs. We wondered what those other kids lives must be like with all that bad music in their lives. Sometimes we made jokes about the bad songs and the kids that played them.

As I grew up I experimented a little more with my music. I played a stray minor chord here and there, and got too loud sometimes. But whenever I knew it would get back to my teacher I would be sure to play right. One time I played a blues song and felt so bad that I confessed to my teacher and we worked through it together. I thought my teacher's rules were right for the most part, but I disagreed here and there about the specific level of volume and I didn't understand why she had such a problem with the short pointy notes. I had made some friends with students of other teachers who liked short pointy notes and these guys could really play, even though they didn't follow my teacher's rules.

I married one of my teacher's other students. She played great, and she enjoyed the same songs I did. No minor chords for us. At first anyway. We had some kids and were starting to teach them the piano. I wondered about the basis of what my teacher taught me. I started to learn a little more about music theory and all the different music that was possible. All of a sudden it became clear that the basis of my teacher's musical taste was little more than her preference, or maybe she just was unable to understand the nuance of other types of music. As I looked more I found that she had written some music, and it was all in major chords, so in some ways she had a financial incentive to discourage us from looking for other music.

My wife still thought that our teacher's music was the only good music, and that our teacher was awesome, so I didn't say anything about it to her. I continued to play our teacher's music. But sometimes I would listen to other music on the radio. Some of it really was pretty awful. But some of it was beautiful. And the variety was wonderful! As part of my discovery I found that some of the things my teacher taught me was actually pretty bad music. Eventually my wife found out that I didn't agree with our teacher any more, and that I liked to listen to other music sometimes. She was mad, and scared, and sad. She felt lied to and betrayed. She wondered who I even was. I was also scared and sad. I also felt lied to and betrayed, but by our teacher. I was pretty sure who my wife was, and I wondered if she was going to leave me over this music. My wife told me that whether or not she stayed with me depended on the kind of music I played. She could tolerate a few minor chords here and there, but no short pointy sounds and definitely no criticism of the teacher or her music. Honestly, she wasn't sure what music she could tolerate me playing. And I couldn't figure out what kind of music I actually wanted to play without playing some of it. And I care about my wife and don't want to hurt her, so I don't want to play too many minor chords because it makes her sad.

That's where I am now. I see a full piano and all sorts of music. There is some music I still think is bad, but there is a lot that I used to think was bad that I now think might be good and I want to try. And too much of my life is filled with music I think is bad. But it's not worth the cost to change.

TL;DR - This is an allegory of growing up mormon and disaffecting

[SeeNoEvil]

Linked this is beautiful! As a pianist myself I felt the passion in your words. I loved how you used music to build from. Nicely done!

Linked wrote: That's where I am now. I see a full piano and all sorts of music. There is some music I still think is bad, but there is a lot that I used to think was bad that I now think might be good and I want to try. And too much of my life is filled with music I think is bad. But it's not worth the cost to change.

You might not think it's not worth the cost to change and for now have to play what makes your wife happy but don't give up on the dream or forget the new songs you've learned. Keep that dream alive in your heart. One day you'll find a way to make that dream come true.

[deacon blues]

This/Yours is a wonderful allegory. I am reminded that throughout history, new and different music has been demonized, and those who promote it denigrated. Years later, this same music is appreciated, once people give it a chance, and are exposed to it. Meanwhile the old traditional music seems dated and quaint. Allegory can be over-applied, but I think this is useful.

[Raylan Givens]

This is very thoughtful. I will keep this in mind as I am developing what "music" i really like, not what music I was told I should like.

[Linked]

Thanks for the kind words!

This/Yours is a wonderful allegory. I am reminded that throughout history, new and different music has been demonized, and those who promote it denigrated. Years later, this same music is appreciated, once people give it a chance, and are exposed to it. Meanwhile the old traditional music seems dated and quaint. Allegory can be over-applied, but I think this is useful.

Yeah, I like that. Even within the church, like blacks and the priesthood or polygamy. They look pretty quaint these days.

I think the main way this allegory falls apart is that music preference and religion are not equal. But it works to highlight some of the ways we feel.

You might not think it's not worth the cost to change and for now have to play what makes your wife happy but don't give up on the dream or forget the new songs you've learned. Keep that dream alive in your heart. One day you'll find a way to make that dream come true.

I remain cautiously optimistic about my future music, but I don't want to get too excited and disappoint myself. Managing expectations and all that.

My wife and I had a rough weekend. Even though I am giving up many of my choices in my allegorical music, it still doesn't make her happy; in fact she is miserable. I asked her how she has felt about me occasionally changing out of garments recently. She replied that it makes her sad, but oh well because everything makes her sad. We spoke pretty openly about divorce. I asked her if I were perfect in everything except for my views on the church and church related activities if that would change anything. She said that while I'm not perfect, her considerations of divorcing me are all about the church. I don't know if we will make it.

Then after these talks we go back to normal life and our kids are cute and love having both of us around. And we plan little trips as a family, and even just the two of us and they are exciting to plan and fun to do. But there is an undercurrent of "What's the point?" And she gets mad if I suggest we get couples therapy because, "we tried that and nothing changed." What a journey.

[MerrieMiss]

Then after these talks we go back to normal life and our kids are cute and love having both of us around.

This says so much right there. It's why I hate having the talks. We talk, and we're miserable, then life goes back to a kind of normal and the talks disappear into the background until the next one. And I have to ask myself, "What is the point of this?"

Also, great allegory from another musician. I'm struggling myself right now musically trying to play a kind of music I admire very much but was not trained in. I enjoy it, but it's difficult and out of my comfort zone. Of course, unlike disaffecting, the music is not bad (except of course when I'm playing it!), so since my husband doesn't care which kind of music I play while he does care about church, I'll stick with playing jazz right now. The Unitarians can wait.

[Linked]

Then after these talks we go back to normal life and our kids are cute and love having both of us around.

This says so much right there. It's why I hate having the talks. We talk, and we're miserable, then life goes back to a kind of normal and the talks disappear into the background until the next one. And I have to ask myself, "What is the point of this?"

Also, great allegory from another musician. I'm struggling myself right now musically trying to play a kind of music I admire very much but was not trained in. I enjoy it, but it's difficult and out of my comfort zone. Of course, unlike disaffecting, the music is not bad (except of course when I'm playing it!), so since my husband doesn't care which kind of music I play while he does care about church, I'll stick with playing jazz right now. The Unitarians can wait.

Yeah, the talks are super painful. But life in general is kind of painful all the time because of this disaffection thing and I can't help but think there is a way out of the pain, so I want to solve it with my wife. But we never solve anything, just reiterate that it sucks and that any solution isn't worth doing. Though family baptisms are coming up and that will make life more than kind of painful for everybody.

I really enjoy making music, though I'm not great at it. It has been fun learning non-hymns. Some Weezer, that Say Something song, and I try to play Ben Fold's stuff but it is too hard for me so far.