My Disaffection Doesn't Make Me a Bad Person

[Linked]

I thought I was doing a pretty good maintaining my mental health in my transition. But I've been wondering if that's true the last few days. I have kept my chin up for the most part and am trying to do what I think is right and will make me and my family happy. But lately I've noticed an undercurrent in my feelings about my disaffection, that it is inherently bad. I think feeling like I have to sneak around and not being able to talk to my wife about this change is part of it. Like "If it weren't bad, then why am I hiding it?"

But my disaffection does not make me a bad person, and I am sick of feeling like it does. I don't know if I will ever be able to fully get rid of this feeling as long as I am surrounded by TBMs who's beliefs clearly state that apostasy is super bad. If I am going to feel like I am bad, I want it to be for valid reasons. And if I am doing good, I want to be able to feel good about it without an undercurrent of feeling bad.

And I reject the idea that this bad feeling is from a loss of spirit. I think it is much more likely that it is the result of decades of indoctrination and being part of a tribe who thinks people like me are bad.

[LostGirl]

I feel we don't hide it because it is bad, but because we wish to avoid pain for those that we love. That's how I see it. It doesn't make it easier but does reduce some of my mental stress at the double life I feel like I am leading.

[SeeNoEvil]

But my disaffection does not make me a bad person, and I am sick of feeling like it does.

Oh I hate this is what the church has done to us. At times I felt this way too. Though it has been several years every once in a while I get that nagging thought way in the back of my mind that maybe I am wrong. We get this way because ever since we were old enough to listen to our parents and teachers at church we were told over and over and over again, we are bad, bad things will happen if you leave the church, you are lazy, lost the spirit, following Satan, want to sin, are going to hell.... etc. It is the red pill we swallow that activates when we doubt. You are not bad, you have not sinned, you are not lazy, you are not going to hell.... you are fine just the way you are. You did nothing wrong. I am grateful I had a friend point this out to me. About a week after my resignation I had a complete breakdown thinking I was headed into outer darkness because I was now one of THOSE.... an apostate. I laugh about it now, but it is a real thing and we were programmed to think that way.

[Linked]

I feel we don't hide it because it is bad, but because we wish to avoid pain for those that we love. That's how I see it. It doesn't make it easier but does reduce some of my mental stress at the double life I feel like I am leading.

Good point. DW would be even more miserable if I were open about this stuff.

[Red Ryder]

Maybe you should start comparing yourself to really bad people.

Like Laman:


Satan:


Or Kim Kardashian:

[Corsair]

I feel we don't hide it because it is bad, but because we wish to avoid pain for those that we love. That's how I see it. It doesn't make it easier but does reduce some of my mental stress at the double life I feel like I am leading.

Good point. DW would be even more miserable if I were open about this stuff.

One of the big things that my wife wants to avoid is being a "church widow" who is pitied by the believers when she attends church. She does not want people being sorry for her that she is married to an apostate. This is among the reasons that I still attend church and don't go around telling people all the reasons I'm annoyed with Joseph Smith. I politely tolerate a lot of Mormonism that she knows I have no interest in following. In return she tolerates my disregard for a number of LDS commandments like tithing, Sabbath Day observance, and temple worship.

In particular I stopped hiding movies and gaming on Sunday. She knows I meet with other apostates. But this is only the current equilibrium that I have. Things could, and will, change in the future. I don't have a good, general plan on how to have a mixed faith marriage.

[Give It Time]

There are several reasons why I hide. They all come down to THIS IS THE ONE, TRUE CHURCH.

First of all, my reasons for my faith transition were very painful for me. I don't want to do that to others.

Second of all, they just can't accept that we don't believe and leave it at that. They have to try to save us.

Case in point, my son identifies on the rainbow. He posted a picture of himself at the pride parade. His aunt asked about it (I don't think this particular aunt had kind intentions). He told her he identified on the rainbow.

Now,... Do I let my son sit out there and twist in the wind? Do I condemn him in an attempt to get in good with the neighbors, which I finally had a prayer of happening until this moment? Do I claim him and come out as an ally? I did the last.

Without further explanation, this would have popped up in friend's feeds. Frienemies who are sending info to my ex will be surely sharing this information. So, I posted my son's photo with an expansion of my views, I did this because we're scaring the neighbors and scared neighbors just don't keep to themselves. I gave a bit of history to dispell gossip about this being backlash over the divorce. I shared some comments from my ex that could be construed as supportive. I did this to protect him and to not give him the ability to make the neighbors think he would join in harrassing me over this. Also, at the end of the day, I think I made my ex look reasonable and decent and I have no problem with that. Then, I said my son's an adult. This is none of our business and I concluded by saying I was proud of my son and love him.

All of that. All of that getting ahead of the story, getting ahead of the gossip. All of that--in my son's very correct observation, damage control--because people can't live and let live.

That was a hell of a lot of trouble to prevent (hopefully) a hell of a lot of trouble.

That's why people stay silent.