Read through my missionary journal

[Linked]

I got my 6 year old son a journal yesterday because his kindergarten teacher said he could use some practice writing over the summer. To get him started I dug up my old journals and we read some entries. Then I started reading through my missionary journal, and I believe again now. J/k. But it was interesting to see the mix of ultra-TBM missionary and the critical thinking that led me to stop believing.

One entry was from when the first person I baptized had their baptismal date moved back 2 weeks. I was nervous and sad, but half the post was about trying to find God's meaning in this and there being a purpose for it. (Some of it was also dealing with anger with the branch president who didn't want the husband baptized because he had depression). Then, a few weeks later was a post of how I didn't get along with my companion but that I thought I could do more to get along with him and that my biases were the cause. Ultimately, me understanding my biases is what changed my belief.

[SeeNoEvil]

but half the post was about trying to find God's meaning in this and there being a purpose for it.

Right after my shelf fell I was unpacking boxes from a recent move and came across all my old journals. They weren't missionary but just day to day journals of my life from about age 19 to 45. The first 5 or so years were just quotes and poems I had either collected. The bulk of the journals were about my struggles to make sense of the church and my life. As I read them there was a distinct pattern: "Problem, Pray, Wait for answer, try to understand why this is happening, pray, wait for answer, what am I supposed to be learning, what more can I do, what am I not doing, God.... are you listening?" For the most part it was all pretty embarrassing and painful to see on paper my struggles. So evident that much was due to the church and my upbringing in it. I threw them all out. That was 4 years ago and I have no regrets. What do you plan to do with your journals?

[Red Ryder]

My mom just recently sent me copies of all my missionary letters I wrote to home. I think she thought reading through them would do something to help my lost testimony. If anything it made me realize how robotic they were and what a bunch of weirdos most of my investigators were. We had the missionaries over for dinner recently and I asked about their investigators. It doesn't seem like the quality of investigators has changed much over the last 20 something years.

I have a few journal entries from my mission days where I "pray" for my future wife and family and re-dedicate my efforts as a missionary in order to be blessed with said future wife and kids. They're pretty funny to read now. My wife kindly reminds me that I must have worked really hard in order to deserve her and her good looks.

We should post some of our mission journal entries just for fun.

[wtfluff]

We should post some of our mission journal entries just for fun.

I'm afraid to read any of mine.

Of course I was afraid to read my Patriarchal (Psychic) Blessing when I happened upon one a while back; I was afraid it would make me even more angry than I already was. Eventually I did read through the PB, and happily enough, it basically made me laugh, instead of making me angry.

So... Maybe I should read through some old journals. I KNOW that I put on a happy face when writing most of that stuff, and wasn't completely honest, so maybe old journals will make me giggle too?

[Mormorrisey]

I hated, really hated, writing in a journal. Just thought it was a waste of time. Best thing I ever did was read in his biography that Boyd K. never kept a journal, and told his family that his talks were his journal. So I thought, if it's good enough for Boyd, it's good enough for me, so never even kept one on a mission, even though the MP harped on it. Never kept one, have no desire too either. I still have my talks on a folder on my desktop, although I don't think I'll be invited to speak any more, so I don't even have to worry about keeping my talks.

[redjay]

My early efforts at journals were so cringeworthy within a week of an entry that I stepped back from that practice even before I went on a mission.

I know my spouse felt similar about her journal too, so I'm assuming it might not just be us.

Though, to be fair, I regret not keeping a record of day to day family life, especially when my kids were young - they were precious times and I wish dearly that I could have better captured the days out, the funny events and the overall mundane beauty of that experience.

[Emower]

but half the post was about trying to find God's meaning in this and there being a purpose for it.

Right after my shelf fell I was unpacking boxes from a recent move and came across all my old journals. They weren't missionary but just day to day journals of my life from about age 19 to 45. The first 5 or so years were just quotes and poems I had either collected. The bulk of the journals were about my struggles to make sense of the church and my life. As I read them there was a distinct pattern: "Problem, Pray, Wait for answer, try to understand why this is happening, pray, wait for answer, what am I supposed to be learning, what more can I do, what am I not doing, God.... are you listening?" For the most part it was all pretty embarrassing and painful to see on paper my struggles. So evident that much was due to the church and my upbringing in it. I threw them all out. That was 4 years ago and I have no regrets. What do you plan to do with your journals?

Ditto on the embarrassing feelings. I never kept one, but my life has seen some huge changes in the last several years, and I can see that same pattern in my life. It is kind of sad.

We should post some of our mission journal entries just for fun.

My journals are dark and depressed. Norway wasn't a happy place for me. My mother quit writing to me halfway through because she just didn't know how to respond to me. For the most part I have filtered out a lot of the bad memories, but I think reading my journal would bring it all back.

[SeeNoEvil]

Emower wrote: My journals are dark and depressed. Norway wasn't a happy place for me. My mother quit writing to me halfway through because she just didn't know how to respond to me. For the most part I have filtered out a lot of the bad memories, but I think reading my journal would bring it all back.

I know this is a bit off topic but I have to ask, what was it about Norway or was it the mission in general that made it a not so happy place for you? I ask because my brother went on a mission to Norway. He's the oldest and it was a long time ago and he is much older than me. It was about 1964-66. He came home hating his mission and no longer a believer. My parents saved his missionary journals and after my mom passed my dad gave the journals to him. Dad died shortly after that. My brother picked them up and tossed them in the trash and walked out. The church from the time my brother got off his mission until the day my dad died was a subject of huge contention between him and my dad. So just curious to know if there is a lot of anti sentiment there or just what?

[Linked]

As I read them there was a distinct pattern: "Problem, Pray, Wait for answer, try to understand why this is happening, pray, wait for answer, what am I supposed to be learning, what more can I do, what am I not doing, God.... are you listening?" For the most part it was all pretty embarrassing and painful to see on paper my struggles. So evident that much was due to the church and my upbringing in it. I threw them all out. That was 4 years ago and I have no regrets. What do you plan to do with your journals?

Yeah, some of it is pretty embarrassing now. I read through most of the journal last night and there was some cringe worthy stuff in there, especially the stuff after the mission where I took a journal writing lesson to heart about looking for inspiration in my life everyday. Can you say confirmation bias.

I don't think I could ever throw them out though. That was part of what made me who I am now. Even if that guy really bothers me now. And I can see the seeds of who I am now in him, and I feel for him.

[Raylan Givens]

I haven't read mine in a long time. I should give it a look.

I kept a journal up until a few years ago. O find the later entries much more fulfilling. They are mainly about relationships and how I feel about the people around me. Perhaps time to hang up the gun, and write.

[Emower]

Emower wrote: My journals are dark and depressed. Norway wasn't a happy place for me. My mother quit writing to me halfway through because she just didn't know how to respond to me. For the most part I have filtered out a lot of the bad memories, but I think reading my journal would bring it all back.

I know this is a bit off topic but I have to ask, what was it about Norway or was it the mission in general that made it a not so happy place for you? I ask because my brother went on a mission to Norway. He's the oldest and it was a long time ago and he is much older than me. It was about 1964-66. He came home hating his mission and no longer a believer. My parents saved his missionary journals and after my mom passed my dad gave the journals to him. Dad died shortly after that. My brother picked them up and tossed them in the trash and walked out. The church from the time my brother got off his mission until the day my dad died was a subject of huge contention between him and my dad. So just curious to know if there is a lot of anti sentiment there or just what?

I haven't thought about it in a while. I'll do my best to sum it up.
I feel like that was probably where my journey started. As I look back some seeds of doubt were planted.
#1 was the darkness for sure. I spent most of my time way past the artic circle, and for 5 months we didn't see much of the sun. For 3 months it never got lighter than twilight. That wore on me. Although the summer was nice, it still felt a little unnatural. During the winter months I became depressed, and the only answer was to work harder and feel guiltier that I wasn't focusing completely. I now know that the problem was environmental, and not due to my failings as a missionary, but at the time that was difficult to separate.
#2 was the very secular nature combined with the shy nature of the Norwegians. Needs were generally filled over there. People didn't need religion; the standard of living was pretty good. If spirituality was needed, it was typically obtained outside in nature. Plus, just up and talking about God and Jesus was simply not something anyone was willing to do with an American stranger. They are an intensely private people. There are those types all around the world, but Norwegians were all that way. I never had a meaningful lesson with a native the whole time I was there. Can't say I blame them now, but at the time it was frustrating. I was in one town for 6 months. I tracted the whole place twice. Not one person wanted to talk.
#3 was the intense pressure to perform even under those circumstances. If I had enough faith, miracles would happen. They didn't happen, so it was my fault. My mission president was Per G. Malm. He was a no-nonsense swede who didn't like the redneck from New Mexico. That contributed.
#4 was isolation. For the first year and a half there was no other companionship in the areas I was in. We took a plane to zone conference, saw other missionaries for that day, then flew back. District conferences were telephone meetings. I longed for human contact besides my companion, and I seldom got it.
#5 was rumors that we were a polygamous cult that wanted to bring converts back to Utah. The people who had heard of Mormons almost always had this idea. If this was a part of why people didnt want to talk with us I don't know because we really didn't talk to many people.

It was hard. I came back cynical and jaded. Mom contends that I was never the same after the mission.
I would be curious about your brothers experience. Mine was definitely difficult, but I managed to have some fun time towards the end.

[SeeNoEvil]

It was hard. I came back cynical and jaded. Mom contends that I was never the same after the mission. I would be curious about your brothers experience. Mine was definitely difficult, but I managed to have some fun time towards the end.

Thank you for taking the time to answer my question about your mission. My brother's experiences sounds much the same. Isolation, the culture, no contact, little or no communication, etc. He talked a lot about the times there was no sun so I am thinking that might have played out in a huge way for him. I think he only had one baptism. This too was back before there was a language training center and he was given a book on how to speak Norwegian when he boarded the plane. He landed there not knowing anything and not speaking the language. He came back very cynical and jaded just as you mentioned. At the time our whole family was very TBM. Slowly over the years he has distanced himself to the point now we don't hear from him at all. I don't know if it was that particular mission or going on a mission itself that changed him but that was a definite turning point.

[Korihor]

Wow, Emower, that sounds rough. My two years were in Argentina, I still have mostly fond memories, even after a faith transition

I don't know if I could stomach pulling out my journals. I've never done a good job keeping a journal, But I'm nervous about what's in there.

I get the impression my mission was the beginning of the end for me as well. Lots of CogDis was introduced during those years - I just regret it took so many years for the CogDis to take full effect. It could be interesting searching for CogDis, but it would be heavily saturated in gross TBM speak.

[Corsair]

I am seriously considering burning my mission journal. It's too embarrassing from the point of view of an apostate and too damning from the point of view of a believer. There are some cringe worthy sections as a believer and a few instances where the seeds of my heresy were subtly planted. I also recorded a few instances of rule breaking which are all entirely innocent from the point of view of the secular western world. But the believers in my life would identify my disobedience in a condemnatory way. It's like Zadok's Rule Number 3: Never Confess. Anyone that wants to hear your confession is only going to use it against you. Never Confess!!!

There are a few experiences which were objectively good that I would probably not want to lose. The problem is that I wrote the journal strictly for me without considering anyone else reading it. It has more emotional disclosure than I am interested in sharing with the world, or even with my wife and children.

[SeeNoEvil]

I am seriously considering burning my mission journal. It's too embarrassing from the point of view of an apostate and too damning from the point of view of a believer. There are some cringe worthy sections as a believer and a few instances where the seeds of my heresy were subtly planted. I also recorded a few instances of rule breaking which are all entirely innocent from the point of view of the secular western world. But the believers in my life would identify my disobedience in a condemnatory way. It's like Zadok's Rule Number 3: Never Confess. Anyone that wants to hear your confession is only going to use it against you. Never Confess!!!

There are a few experiences which were objectively good that I would probably not want to lose. The problem is that I wrote the journal strictly for me without considering anyone else reading it. It has more emotional disclosure than I am interested in sharing with the world, or even with my wife and children.

My journals were the last Mormon stuff to go. I hung on to them the longest because it was my history and besides I had a lot of people on the old NOM tell me I'd regret it if I did. I had forgotten about Zadoks Rules until just now... thanks for reposting them. And he is right, Never confess. I didn't have any dark secrets in my journals but there was stuff I didn't want the whole world to read. Once I realized that my writings were just for me and not the whole world there was no point in keeping them. I didn't need to relive those moments. It was almost ceremonial and quite cathartic the moment I tossed them out. I just walked outside to the dumpster on garbage day and in they went. It felt good! Good luck with your decision. Let us know what you decided to do.

[Linked]

It could be interesting searching for CogDis, but it would be heavily saturated in gross TBM speak.

Yes, it was quite a slog getting through all the TBM speak in my journal. But I thought it was worth it, there was an undercurrent of a real person struggling through a tough situation, and I'm proud of that guy.

[MerrieMiss]

I understand a lot of the reasons people get rid of their journals, but I'm one of the few who keeps them, even when they make me cringe. They're the record of me, where I've been and who I became. I may not be proud of who I was, but I'm proud that I changed. And it's important to have compassion on myself. Many of my writings are very personal, but I doubt anyone will want to read them. And if they do - great. I've enjoyed reading the private thoughts of others who have kept journals.

I've often kept one, on and off, but I wrote very little over the past few years. I wish I'd put a lot of my thoughts down. I like to think I remember what I thought or felt, but when I read over the few things I did write down, I realize how easy it is to go back in our minds and make false memories and to make sense of past experiences with knowledge of the present. Reading my entries transports me to another time and to another person.

[w2mz]

I am seriously considering burning my mission journal.

^^ This is what I did and I don't regret it. It was early ~ish in my faith crisis but past the point of returning to naivety. I was on a back pack trip and had a couple of extra days by myself. Sitting at the campsite and watching the pages burn was very cathartic for me. It felt like I was giving a hearty "FU" to the church, and and at the same time helped me process some of the negative memories from my two years of indentured service.

ETA: My decision was premeditated, otherwise I wouldn't have taken them on a backpack trip.

[RubinHighlander]

My early efforts at journals were so cringeworthy...

That's the word that comes to mine when I think of the three volumes on my shelf (actual, not virtual). I was pretty stalwart about keeping them, but it became pretty arduous at times. I even resorted to writing in scriptural old English for a couple of months. At least "It came to pass..." filled up a bit more space. I think the cringeworthy part is to be reminded of what terribly gullible/koolaid drinker I was.

[document]

I started keeping a journal about six months prior to my mission and six months after my mission. They present an image of a young man who was crushed by his religion.

My early journal describes my love of life, my excitement to serve, and an unbeatable spirit. My sinful past was behind me and I was ready to conquer the world. Then a member called church headquarters and told them I had a steady sexual relationship with a girl for a few years. Even though I confessed to it and was forgiven I was called in to confess it again. And then again when I entered the MTC. And then again when I was in the mission field. My past sins tortured me on my mission and after my mission. All feelings of forgiveness were gone as the church continually hammered me for my past. I was ready to let it go, but they were not. It was miserable.

I read my steady decline into stress and sickness on my mission and my daily struggle to go home. I read about my wish to die in the field, my conversations with my mission president where I was described as selfish and my self-hatred as I bought into the narrative that my declining health and mental state were somehow my fault. I wrote about suicide constantly and God's disapproval of me. I blamed all my problems on myself, not realizing that it was this horrible organization over me forcing me to stay against my will. It is the mind of a person trapped in a cult (I've often said that the Mormon church is not a cult, but the Mormon mission culture and program is 100% cult).

I have kept my journal because I want to hand it to my children if they consider going into a cult. I want to show them the mindset of a true believer trapped while their life is destroyed by an outside force convincing them it is their fault. I want them to avoid the mistakes that I made. Hopefully, they will use it to help their children as well.

I'm really happy that I kept a journal on my mission.