NOM

I've really been enjoying this new found ability to say no to things.

When I really examine my worries and anxieties, they all involve being trapped in a situation where I might be forced into saying things that might hurt other people or cause rifts in our relationship. Causing disappointment, or having someone else pity me, or worry over my well being are among my worst fears. I think it's why I so fiercely protect my own privacy. The fear is that if someone were to know my actual feelings and concerns, that they'll then have the power to invade my kitchen and rattle my pots. There's a powerful reluctance to open myself up to people I don't fully trust because they have their own agendas. They want what's best for the church and for their own beliefs, they really couldn't care less how those things might effect my family.

It's not as if I never trust others, because I do. I have no problem opening up to my wife and a few close friends, but there's an intimacy there, we share the same intentions. We're friends, they aren't mining me for information for the purpose of persuading me to do something, or for the purpose of pushing my buttons in order to make me do something.

So I could walk into their interventions, play their games, answer their questions, and allow them to twist and mangle my thoughts, allow them to push me this way or that through guilt and disappointment, or I can just tell them "no". No, I don't want to discuss this with you. No, you can't come over for a visit. No, I won't come into be interviewed. No, I won't accept a calling. No, I won't tell you why. No, I will not bear my testimony.

But why not?

Because you don't actually want to understand me, which is the point of a conversation, two people understanding one another, you are looking for ammunition. Because you don't want a friendship, you want to lecture, preach, and call me to repentance. Because you don't have the authority or power to pass judgement. Because I'm done filling my life with pointless busy work. Because bearing testimony is supposed to be a deeply meaningful expression of faith, not a loyalty test, and not the basis for an emotionally manipulative object lesson. Stop trying to drag me back into your world after being clear about leaving. It's true, you can leave the church, but they just can't leave you alone.

So no.

Maybe we can be friends based on something other than Mormonism.

Amen

One of the things I really did not like about being on a mission was constantly having an agenda - trying to get everyone to do what I wanted them to do.

I'm still active and hold a calling.

I have though, set out the terms of that calling - no i won't attend ward council, and no I won't teach/facilitate monthly (even if the manual requires a monthly facilitation).

However, I find setting out those terms stressful, as I know I am pushing back against conformity and I do not want to appear unreasonable, but at the same time I want to maintain control of my own time. I also get anxious at the thought of conflict in defending my position. My refusal to teach monthly may come to a head soon.

One of my fears is that I might lose my cool somewhat if pushed beyond what I feel is reasonable and respectful by my 'leaders'.

Just to add to this conversation, the other power of NO is that it's a complete sentence. Just. NO. I don't have to explain, I don't have to go any further than that, just NO. It's been a wonderful tool. Like yesterday, I was asked to pass sacrament. I just paused for a second, thought about it, and just said, "no, I don't think I want to do that." That was it. Incredibly liberating. Likewise, I was told in sacrament meeting that I needed to have a TR before I died or I wouldn't be right with God. That was enough, so I left. Didn't even have to say no there! Church is much more fun when I set the terms.

oliver_denom wrote: ↑Mon May 22, 2017 6:05 am Because you don't actually want to understand me, which is the point of a conversation, two people understanding one another, you are looking for ammunition. Because you don't want a friendship, you want to lecture, preach, and call me to repentance.

Well, that statement is a kick in the gut. WAY too many of the "relationships" in my life were like that.

(Luckily most of those "relationships" are gone now, but it's still painful to think about them...)

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Wow! That was terrific!

Especially this

Because bearing testimony is supposed to be a deeply meaningful expression of faith, not a loyalty test, and not the basis for an emotionally manipulative object lesson.

Mormorrisey wrote: ↑Mon May 22, 2017 7:27 am Just to add to this conversation, the other power of NO is that it's a complete sentence. Just. NO. I don't have to explain, I don't have to go any further than that, just NO. It's been a wonderful tool. Like yesterday, I was asked to pass sacrament. I just paused for a second, thought about it, and just said, "no, I don't think I want to do that." That was it. Incredibly liberating. Likewise, I was told in sacrament meeting that I needed to have a TR before I died or I wouldn't be right with God. That was enough, so I left. Didn't even have to say no there! Church is much more fun when I set the terms.

Exactly!

No is powerful - it is liberating in the moment AND word gets around so people ask less of you. As the prelude music was playing in Sacrament Meeting, a member of the bishopric asked me to say the opening prayer. I just nodded my head slightly and said No - no explanation given. He looked puzzled and turned to DH who agreed to do it. I was never asked to pray in Sacrament again.

The more I think about it, the more I realize this is a boundary issue. And as Mormons, we were enculturated not to have boundaries. It's a messy problem that needs to be solved if we're all going to grow up and be adults.

achilles wrote: ↑Mon May 22, 2017 6:11 pm The more I think about it, the more I realize this is a boundary issue. And as Mormons, we were enculturated not to have boundaries. It's a messy problem that needs to be solved if we're all going to grow up and be adults.

Oh, there are boundaries, but they're completely one-sided. Bring up Fanny Alger or Martin Harris' spiritual eyes and see how quickly the shields go up.

I occasionally replay in my head the very last time someone tried to reactivate me and actually tried to find out why I would not participate. He is a physician with a lot of prestige in the community and was standing on my porch with 2 missionaries. I opened my mouth and started to explain the emotional duress I had gone through, but suddenly shut my mouth after I had the light bulb moment that NO- I do not have to explain myself to him or anyone else. I politely summed it up that it did not meet my family's needs at the time and I sent him on his way. All I could think about is that man spends more time away from his family than with them. How sad for them. Yet he was the one walking away shaking his head and pitying me and my family.

I feel more empowered as time has passed. Less attached to the controlling tentacles of the church. It was uncomfortable to use the word NO in the beginning. It is ingrained in us to obey, and be subservient to leaders. But NO is more natural now. I have reclaimed my life, my voice and my family.

Life is good. Cheers to you, Oliver.

oliver_denom wrote: ↑Mon May 22, 2017 6:05 am I think it's why I so fiercely protect my own privacy. The fear is that if someone were to know my actual feelings and concerns, that they'll then have the power to invade my kitchen and rattle my pots.

I love this!

I've recently become the target of my MIL's efforts to point out the errors of my ways. I've thought about responding back but have decided silence is better. No need to even acknowledge her attempts or validate her agenda.