NOM

Hi everyone! I have checked in from time to time over the years and have a great understanding and empathy for your heart's desires for peace and an end to conflicts that often arise. I love your support of each other I hope I can belong even though I have already resigned (2008) I am a widow and was a member for over 40 years.

I have no desire to sway others..just want to help or participate as one who has been on both sides of the fence.

Peace and hugs..

Margarita

Welcome. We have others here who have resigned, so don't worry about that as a reason you will not fit in here.

And I like anyone who goes by Margarita.

Welcome!

We are glad to have you.

Thanks so much for the welcoming...on my next day off..I will give a little more of my story. I am lonesome..need some friends..so thank you.
By the way..just quit the MD@D board..so I have already taken a beating..!

Bienvenidos Margarita

I think I heard a song about you once. . . it said "places to stay a day in Margaritaville. Searching for my lost soul from assault."

Welcome back!

Would love to hear more about your decision to resign, and about Margarita.

Grace2Daisy wrote: ↑Wed May 10, 2017 3:53 pm Would love to hear more about your decision to resign, and about Margarita.

I swear someone mentioned Margaritas.

Thanks again for all the welcomes! I have tomorrow off..and I will set myself up for a nice margarita..and tell you all a story!

Have a wonderful evening!!

Margarita wrote: ↑Mon May 08, 2017 3:13 pm By the way..just quit the MD@D board..so I have already taken a beating..!

Oh wow...stay away from that place! I read over there sometimes and just sit and shake my head at how the supposedly good Christians treat anyone who dares to question or doubt.

You will love it here and will fit right in. There are people in all stages on this board. Many are early in their discoveries regarding the church, some are in mixed faith marriages or relationships and are still attending, others have completely stopped attending or have resigned (like you!). We have civil discussions and respect each other's differences and love to give each other support. I'm sure you will be able to help many with where you're at with the church now.

I'm glad you found us! I look forward to hearing more of your story....welcome

(And yes, I do love your name....for some reason....yummy )

Welcome. I'm not a big talker here (unless it involves sarcasm), but I too would love to hear your story. I wish we could enjoy a margarita together.

I am dumb. What is MD@D?

hmb wrote: ↑Thu May 11, 2017 6:35 am I am dumb. What is MD@D?

Mormon Dialogue and Discussion Board

(And, you're lucky to not know what they are....definitely not dumb )

Wow guys...I just wrote the longest post and then accidently deleted it all! Crap!! Time for another margarita! I will write a more condensed version now..just bear with me..about ready to kick this laptop down the block!

Thanks so much for welcomes! And yes..stay away from MD@D..I got hurt there. I still have friends as I was a member on that board since 2009..but the circular thinking and prejudice to people like me became unbearable. It was affecting my self esteem so I left. I call it the "yeah but board"..yeah but ..yeah but..even in the face of good evidence and scriptures..it was "yeah but"..it is always an unbelievers fault and you can't fight that. That being said, should you look in once in awhile, my name was Jeanne...you can find out alot about me from there.

As a young girl, I was very active. Living in a tiny town of about 500..(including the cows and chickens)...there was nothing but church. It was demanded in my home. When I was born, my father had his last beer and became very devout and took his priesthood callings way seriously. At the age of 4 or 5, I remember sitting on the couch watching my Dad beat my mother because he found a coffeepot...(it was for my grandma when she visited)..so you can see that if you lived in that home..you went to church..you excelled in church..and there was no other way to be. I believed. I believed everything. I knew also that the best way to please my father was to bear a testimony and testimonies are easy...it was a peace that need not have a meaning outside of the word peace.

I graduated from Seminary and High School in 1974. I had one quarter of College in St. George but left for the workforce in the government. Living away from home was like breathing for the first time..and I found out that people of other religions..or color..or whatever..were wonderful people. It changed some views and opened some thoughts. Although I was not always active, I did defend the church always.

In 1977, I was living on a government post in a dorm. The guy who worked for housing out there lived there too..with a cute 3 year old son. He had a master key to all the rooms. I locked myself out one night..(in a housecoat and steamset curlers)..and he helped me out..(Like embarassing)! The following Saturday, he and his blue eyed son fed me breakfast..and it was a love and a half that deemed us married the following February, 1978.

He was raised mormon..but was like me..believed but just wasn't active. In the eighties there were things happening in the church that made it look more like a corporation..but we did have deep talks once in awhile about getting back to it...being sealed as a family. Our two children went to church all the time..and we were there to support programs and priesthood ordinations. My husband to a big step back from the church when the Bishop called us in to ask for money..they were building a new chapel..and we were having a hard time making it as it is.

Anyway..I loved my little family..we loved each other. Regular problems existed like they do ...we went into a custody battle for his son..and that was an upheaval..but we hung together.

Moving along..(are you guys on your second margarita yet)?? In 1996, my sister committed suicide. She had become an alcholic after losing her daughter in a drowning incident..(ice skating on frozen pond)..she was just eleven years old. My father had told her that if she didn't shape up and get into the church again..she would never see her daughter again..it finally broke her.. In 1997, my husband passed out at the gym playing basketball.
At first, doctors thought he just needed some thyroid surgery...but when exrays were taken the day of his surgery..they said no way can we operate on this and sent him to a university hospital. A rare form of thyroid cancer in his throat that is usually the type that women get..was massive. Fear of losing his voice...he left me with a decision that night to do what was best when doctors came out and said they could not operate. At the time, they gave him 2 weeks to live..(like they know my husband).. After 7 weeks of intense radiation and two rounds of chemo..they sent him home. During those hospital stays..my mother walked the halls with me..when my husband came home, I received an early morning call from Dad saying.."She won't wake up"...Mom died during her sleep..and when I had to return to the hospitals...I looked for her..I did not deal with it at all! After her funeral, my son drove his Dad to another treatment..I just did not deal with it. I wanted her..I wanted to talk to my sister..it was if I had been caught in a tornado and all the damn priesthood blessings in the world wasn't going to slow it down. With a trache in his throat, he was a pall bearer for Mom..he said it was an honor..(slight whisper). He died 3 months later...gave me and the kids our last Christmas..and yes, we had that deep conversation..I. Would. Get. Us. Sealed.!

I was so ready to hang on to something..anything!! I studied..I read the Book of Mormon..I went through a repentance process..I loved Joseph Smith and I could not wait to get to that Temple. The testimony was huge..people loved me up..and supported me. Meanwhile, my daughter, who had just moved back from Florida..began to talk to me..with concern. She said.."Mom you really need to look into this some more.." Very tactfully, she mentioned peepstone and a hat...I kid you not..I yelled at her..I got mad..I was an apostate's nightmare..no way..wives...married wives?? No way..and where was she getting all of this apostate crap??? She told me she had made some friends on postmo..and sent me a few things...Ugh..a month later I signed on to find out the deal. I wrote a post to introduce myself. The following day, my daughter wrote on postmo..."Mom, Is that you?" And there..my great love for Joseph Smith fell into big fat blocks of dust. It hurt..it took away my dream..my hope..and I died a thousand times all over again. After working with my daughter..and friends on postmo, whe sponsored the first mass resignation with all those signatures and parents of gays..in the Prop 8 resignation in SLC. I had already resigned. In light of a year's full of trying to make it all fit together. I asked the Bishopric to meet with my in my home. I also invited my RS president (a good friend)..and wanted to ask all these questions before I made a final decision. Well...no answers. The RS president said she wasn't into deep doctrine..the 2nd counselor went to sleep in my recliners. And my bishop ..bless his heart..made me cry when he pantomimed the seer stone/hat thing. Gave him my papers has he left that day. Still dealing with the whole damn thing.

So guys..grab another margarita..drink is on me..

And I will repeat my quote..If I fall..let me fall..the person I become will catch me.
I am still becoming..

I will quit before ya'll get drunk!

Thanks for sharing your story Margarita, it is beautiful. I teared up when I read your description of how you felt when your testimony was destroyed.

Margarita wrote: ↑Thu May 11, 2017 12:35 pm And there..my great love for Joseph Smith fell into big fat blocks of dust. It hurt..it took away my dream..my hope..and I died a thousand times all over again.

(emphasis added)

I lost my testimony but ignored it for a couple years, then slowly processed it. I was watching the movie Interstellar late one night during my processing, with my TBM DW was asleep next to me, and there is a scene where the father helps his daughter in a pretty magical way. For some reason this hit me hard. I have little kids and the scene reminded me that I used to have eternity to give my kids and now all I have is reality.

Linked, how you describe losing your testimony..is so profound. Reality is blunt and in your face..yet we need it to face tomorrows.

I still believe I will be with my husband...just try to keep me away..if I can hold on to God..I will find him!
I wrote a tribute to him during the first year after the loss..it took us through the seasons..

The last one reads:..And after I have walked these intervals of time,
and my own winter day is done..
I will find you Shane..in the brightest light
In our Season in the Sun.

Thanks for letting me share and reading all of this!

Thank you for sharing your story. You have been through a lot.

We all know how members tell each other that the church teachings are so much comfort...bla bla bla ... when they go through hard times. Well, what I have noticed is that the people who have been through the most usually lose their testimony in the process. Like you, they begin an intense search. Maybe because they question why God would let this happen. Or, maybe they just need to understand. But in that search, they either stumble across, or someone tells them information that just doesn't fit. And it is down the rabbit hole. You would not have gone down the rabbit hole if you had not been searching for truth, real truth.

The church teaches that God will never give us more than we can handle, but having been through enough crap myself, yeah, that is so not true. First off, I don't blame God for "giving" us the hard times. It is just life. And life does give people more than they can deal with. It seems like when given the usual life crap people deal with it by leaning on their faith. But when given more than the faith can stand up to, you lean on your faith and lean too hard and the faith has a tendency to fall over. I think the search is to shore up the faith, only instead of finding things to prop up the faith, we find things that don't fit. Our Mormon faith doesn't have a strong foundation based in truth and just doesn't stand up.

Margarita, wow, just wow. That is a lot of sorrow to experience and survive. I don't even know how to express my empathy in writing. Thanks for sharing.

Thank you Nonny...it was rough in the way it worked out..to lose someone who wanted to die..then one who just left..and a husband that tried hard to stay alive. I couldn't help but think that surely I was supposed to learn something from this??

And Alas..you are right. It is just life and stuff happens. I look back now at all the love bombing and sudden concern for me..and I believe some were sincere..but they knew I was vulernable..I was so ripe and ready and many took credit for my return to church at that time. Thanks to all of you.