NOM

Why are we hurt and angry?

Because we devoted our life to something that resembles falsehood. At the very best it was devotion to half-truths which feels no better.

Because it mandates a God who's behavior is unacceptable, and people seem to willfully ignore it.

Because our search for integrity and truth is branded as a contagious sin.

Why are you hurt and angry?

Because I am changing the rules of the game at halftime.

Because I am doing things we testified we would never do.

Because I would like to spread my thoughts and feelings.

Who's to blame? Is it me? No. Is it you? No. Is it Life? Yes, and that's the beauty of it. Life isbeautiful. You are beautiful, let's not waste it.

It sounds so cliche, but when we got married, the bishop told us not to come 50%. Each of us should come the whole 100 or it is not worth doing. I've never forgotten this and it has been how I have tried to conduct myself through our whole short marriage. But it is so hard to do now, knowing what I know. Feeling what I now feel.

Life isn't about underwear. Life isn't about obedience. Life is about integrity.

Brother, so true! It is amazing how only those of us who have gone through this can truly relate or even comprehend this.

Yet the story plays out over and over with uncanny similarities.

Cheers mate!

I'll pull up a barstool and sit for a minute.

I'm no longer hurt or angry.

Ok, I still get angry sometimes.

But the reality is it's actually pretty funny.

A 19th century frontier sex cult and it's founder are screwing up our lives nearly 200 years later. That's pretty funny.

We committed ourselves to the rules. We felt guilt. We believed. And guess what? It's a man made religion and every other one is too. So what? We got to go inside some pretty cool temples. Partake of some pretty interesting rituals. We became the people we are today because of the way we were raised. Self reliance. Food storage. Education. Life isn't so bad.

So don't be hurt. The anger will cycle and become less and less. Let's grab lunch again soon.

Remember all those Sunday School lessons on forgiveness? It turns out that you have to forgive yourself also. Holding onto that deep regret is quite natural, but it's not helpful either. This is a metaphysical version of the Sunk Cost Fallacy. We have trouble giving up on some failed project because we put so much time and resources into it. But your regret over missions, tithing, and time already spent is not worth holding onto.

We definitely need to do lunch again. I've had a very strange month and have not set up any lunches recently.

I'm going to go with "be of good cheer." We learn by doing. Often we bump our heads--or get whacked on the head--but we should use the opportunity to learn to duck! Don't let the Church continue to control you, letting it make you feel anything other than wisdom from your misadventure is giving it more power than it deserves.

Life isn't about underwear. Life isn't about obedience. Life is about integrity.

Perfectly said.

I'm honestly not bitter about the church. If anything I'm bugged that religion was shoved at me at a young age so I understand that resentment, but for me it's less that religion was offered and more that it was placed manipulatively in front of me and I was browbeaten in many cases for simply asking questions. I wasn't really permitted to make up my own mind about it.

That wasn't the case with Mormonism for me. But I do see that it is for many of you.

Emower wrote: ↑Sat Apr 29, 2017 8:08 pm
Who's to blame? Is it me? No. Is it you? No. Is it Life? Yes, and that's the beauty of it. Life isbeautiful. You are beautiful, let's not waste it.

Insightful post. I quoted my favorite part. Life is beautiful, more so since dropping Mormon constraints.

I'm sorry for your pain. I've been there. I'm still there to some degree.

What's helped me to let a lot of it go is to realize that without the church my life would be unrecognizable. I regularly have to remind myself that all of my experiences, good and bad, made me who I am today. I would be an entirely different human being without the church in my life.

Perhaps most importantly, my faith journey has made me a better thinker. I tend to be a pretty lazy person. But confronting my faith was so difficult, so deep that it forced me to step up and engage the process. There is no intellectual pursuit in my lifetime that I've spent more energy on and I'm the better for it.

Reflect on the positive impact the church has had on your life. It's taken me years but doing that on a regular basis has helped met let go of a lot of the negativity.

I hope my words don't sound anything like "get over it." Embracing the positive doesn't mean the negative just didn't happen. But hopefully it can help you find some balance.

I too have been where you are and get your anger and pain. No doubt about it, we were all conned. In the beginning I couldn't understand the anger. In fact that is why I ended up here on NOM... the old NOM. I tried other sites but they seemed so angry and I just couldn't get it. In the beginning I was more in shock that anything and it wasn't until that wore off that the anger came. What it all boils down to is that we can't let our anger at the church eat on us. Then our abuser, the church wins. We are stronger than those who want to see us fail because we dared to explore our doubts. As suggested, it does help to find a positive way to get past the anger and see the good that came from our time in the church and the beautify of live outside of it.

There are a lot of great suggestions already posted on dealing with the anger. The only thing I can add is to take note of the triggers. For me conference is a big one. Elder Ballard's talk on "Where will you go" sent me over the edge. Since then I have set conference off limits. My mental health just can't take that. You hear a lot on here the statement, "I does get better..." and it really does get better. I don't think the anger will ever go away but it does get more manageable and we see life a lot more clearer. We come to appreciate the new life in front of us a lot more the further we move away from the old one behind us.

Red Ryder wrote: ↑Sat Apr 29, 2017 8:46 pm I'll pull up a barstool and sit for a minute.

I'm no longer hurt or angry.

Ok, I still get angry sometimes.

But the reality is it's actually pretty funny.

A 19th century frontier sex cult and it's founder are screwing up our lives nearly 200 years later. That's pretty funny.

We committed ourselves to the rules. We felt guilt. We believed. And guess what? It's a man made religion and every other one is too. So what? We got to go inside some pretty cool temples. Partake of some pretty interesting rituals. We became the people we are today because of the way we were raised. Self reliance. Food storage. Education. Life isn't so bad.

So don't be hurt. The anger will cycle and become less and less. Let's grab lunch again soon.

Pour me another RR. Thanks for sitting. I suppose it is kind of funny. We should totes do lunch again.

Thanks y'all. There is something to be said from group therapy. I have been trying to get my wife to the point where she knows the issues and can at least understand why I am doing what I am doing. She supports me and she is a saint for doing so. I love her dearly. She just told me that the church makes her happy, she doesnt want to do anything to jeopardize that. In a way she is right, why would you want to take the red pill after seeing me go rounds with my dad, mom, siblings, bishop, SP, and friends? Or was it the blue pill...? So I can totally understand her. It's just that all this time I have felt in a small way that she was on a journey with me. Now I have realized I really am on my own. It's a let down, but it could be a crap ton worse.

Had a bit of a contentious discussion with Mrs RJ on Sunday. I want to sit the kids down and tell them where I am. Mrs RJ said she did not want me to - ever. I said that was not an option but I was waiting until the end of summer, after my youngest and MRs RJ have visited the temple (youngest will be doing baptisms for the dead). After some tears and frustration then hugging it was 'OK'. Until the inner turmoil that comes from being at odds with my family is resolved - and I doubt it ever will be with my father - i doubt that my anger will fully dissipate.

So I feel the OPs pain.