NOM

I spoke with my TBM sister and mother today and explained to them I wasn't going to attend church anymore in more words then that but I wanted to know everyones thoughts on their response which was. " Well we still love you" and "we don't want this to come between us" Although very kind words and I understand some of you here would LOVE to hear this response from some of your loved ones, it still left me with an unsettled feeling. This is not the first time I have been told these things but I just wish it didn't have an undertoned negative conotation or sounded like I was doing something wrong but they still love me.

How do you guys respond to this when people tell you these things? My initial thoughts are well I hope so, I can't understand why you wouldn't still love me???!

I've been going through a lot of that for the first time with my family for the past few weeks too. They have been quick to reassure me that nothing will change in our relationships and they love me just like they did before. I am trying to take it as that they don't consider my belief as something they base their love on, which is good. Although they could mean that even though I'm a sinner they will look past that.

Right now I'm kind of in a wait and see mode to see if they still act like they love me and to see if it does come between us. If we are able to maintain close relationships then I'm not going to worry about how they say they love me. If not then we will either have a discussion sometime about them not being so self righteous or we will drift apart.

In Mrs. Doubtfire when Robin Williams asks his brother to make him a woman and his brother bursts into a joyous hug and says, "I'm so happy for you"!

Your family isn't doing that.

It's the word "still".

When I homeschooled my son, my father said, "you do what you need to do to raise your son to be happy".

The word "still" sounds conditional. It sounds like you haven't done the deal breaker...yet.

I would let it slide. Most of the time people dont realize what they say can come across as hurtful. My major mistake was how i presented my new belief. Looking back i sounded like i was trying to justify my own choices by mentioning why i dont believe anymore. My close family could have taken it as an attack on their belief.

Im an adult who made a choice that doesnt need justification or an explanation. Also they dont need to explain or justify their reasons for belief.

www.google.com/amp/s/amp.businessinside ... le-2015-11

Give It Time wrote: ↑Tue Apr 25, 2017 6:37 pm In Mrs. Doubtfire when Robin Williams asks his brother to make him a woman and his brother bursts into a joyous hug and says, "I'm so happy for you"!

Your family isn't doing that.

It's the word "still".

When I homeschooled my son, my father said, "you do what you need to do to raise your son to be happy".

The word "still" sounds conditional. It sounds like you haven't done the deal breaker...yet.

I love your analogies! Thank you for sharing!!

20/20hind wrote: ↑Tue Apr 25, 2017 8:01 pm I would let it slide. Most of the time people dont realize what they say can come across as hurtful. My major mistake was how i presented my new belief. Looking back i sounded like i was trying to justify my own choices by mentioning why i dont believe anymore. My close family could have taken it as an attack on their belief.

Im an adult who made a choice that doesnt need justification or an explanation. Also they dont need to explain or justify their reasons for belief.

www.google.com/amp/s/amp.businessinside ... le-2015-11

Thanks for sharing. I am going to blow it off and do believe they are sincere but do not understand what they are saying when they say "Still" I guess it just upsets me that they don't realize what they are saying. - Thanks for the article!

Misbehaved Woman wrote: ↑Tue Apr 25, 2017 3:18 pm My initial thoughts are well I hope so, I can't understand why you wouldn't still love me???!

If I tell you I'm ex-Mormon,
You look at me like I'm Martin Bormann.
When I tell you now what I believe,
Will you still love me tomorrow?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cnPlJxet_ac

Many have found themselves rejected by Mormon friends and family when they have confessed their disbelief. You have to understand these people have predicated their self-identify on the truthfulness of the Joseph Smith story. When you as a loved one state your disbelief it is like an attack on their core being. They protect their self-identity by ridding themselves of those who pose a challenge to that identity.

Count yourself fortunate that you received acceptance and love.

I think, just based on that word, it's not that big of a deal. It might be in the context of your family history, though.

It's perfectly normal for ExMos, NOMs, whatever to say, "I know my beliefs have changed, but I still love you, and this doesn't change how I feel about you." Reaffirming that family relationships are still important is a good thing.

I think it all matters in the context of what was just said previously.

My mother said that to me when I first disaffected and it was wonderful to hear.

I have a former ward member who every time he sees me says something like, "Even though you went astray, I still consider you a friend". It is said in such a smug a-hole way that I finally responded (at a Lutheran neighborhood picnic of all things), "I know you are still brainwashed in a satanic temple-cult, but I still consider you a friend". It offended him, and I explained that I don't personally think Mormonism is a Satanic temple-cult (I don't believe in Satan), but that the first statement tainted the second statement. It was passive aggressive. He was happy I didn't actually mean it, but didn't agree that he was being passive aggressive.

Give It Time wrote: ↑Tue Apr 25, 2017 6:37 pm In Mrs. Doubtfire when Robin Williams asks his brother to make him a woman and his brother bursts into a joyous hug and says, "I'm so happy for you"!

Your family isn't doing that.

It's the word "still".

When I homeschooled my son, my father said, "you do what you need to do to raise your son to be happy".

The word "still" sounds conditional. It sounds like you haven't done the deal breaker...yet.

This. It implies you've done something that might make you unworthy of their love, when you've done nothing of the sort.

Honestly, unless it's someone using it in an aggressively smugholish way chances are good that it's just the phrasing they've picked up through osmosis and it's not a reflection of a conscious thought process where they considered stopping loving you because of your beliefs but then decided to power past that and love you anyway to be the better person.

Misbehaved Woman wrote: ↑Tue Apr 25, 2017 3:18 pm I spoke with my TBM sister and mother today and explained to them I wasn't going to attend church anymore in more words then that but I wanted to know everyones thoughts on their response which was. " Well we still love you" and "we don't want this to come between us" Although very kind words and I understand some of you here would LOVE to hear this response from some of your loved ones, it still left me with an unsettled feeling. This is not the first time I have been told these things but I just wish it didn't have an undertoned negative conotation or sounded like I was doing something wrong but they still love me.

How do you guys respond to this when people tell you these things? My initial thoughts are well I hope so, I can't understand why you wouldn't still love me???!

I've responded with "Well, I still love you too" and it's kind of taken them aback. I knew how they meant it, but I was clear with how I meant my response too (I didn't do it snarky or sarcastically, but with sincerity). But I think it caused them to consider how it felt or sounded to say that.

The next thing will be them telling you that they are "praying for you". I hate that even more because it insinuates that you are sinning or that you have some illness or disease. I usually don't even respond when family members have said this to me.

AllieOop wrote: ↑Wed Apr 26, 2017 6:54 amI've responded with "Well, I still love you too" and it's kind of taken them aback. I knew how they meant it, but I was clear with how I meant my response too (I didn't do it snarky or sarcastically, but with sincerity). But I think it caused them to consider how it felt or sounded to say that.

The next thing will be them telling you that they are "praying for you". I hate that even more because it insinuates that you are sinning or that you have some illness or disease. I usually don't even respond when family members have said this to me.

Dravin wrote: ↑Wed Apr 26, 2017 5:55 am Honestly, unless it's someone using it in an aggressively smugholish way chances are good that it's just the phrasing they've picked up through osmosis and it's not a reflection of a conscious thought process where they considered stopping loving you because of your beliefs but then decided to power past that and love you anyway to be the better person.

I love the response of "I still love you, too!" That's perfect
As Dravin noted, it an unconscious thought process and I honestly believe they are doing their best. For me at least, I am trying to show a better way now that I know a better way. Gently pointing out a barbarian mindset would be right up my alley. But I like to stir the pot, so.....

Considering they're trying to express love (however imperfectly), I'd give them the benefit of the doubt. One possible meaning behind it is they've heard stories of loved ones of nonbelievers withholding love and they're trying to make it clear, "We're not going to let you go!"

Misbehaved Woman wrote: ↑Tue Apr 25, 2017 3:18 pm How do you guys respond to this when people tell you these things? My initial thoughts are well I hope so, I can't understand why you wouldn't still love me???!

It's still too new for your family and you have gone way off the LDS script. Church teachings don't prepare members for faith transitions unless it is a conversion story that ends with "orthodox Mormon". You have been pondering this change for some time and now your family has had very little time to process it. I would give them a lot of credit for a kind response even if it is mildly passive-aggressive and laced with the conditional "still".

Maybe saying you're not going to go to church anymore is less threatening to them than listing problems you see with the church, as I did.
I still go to church, but once I told them undeniable problems with the church, they haven't said it but essentially they stopped caring about me - most anyway don't call anymore and I stopped the one-way relationships or lack of.

In their eyes, maybe if you say you're going to stop going to church, it MUST be because you got offended.
So, they're response is, "I still love you, even if you feel others don't."