And I have always respected your comments.Wonderment wrote: ↑Fri Sep 21, 2018 10:09 pmTW, thanks for weighing in on this topic -- always glad to read your thoughts.What do you think friends?
99 % of the time, I agree with Alas. And, I've been agreeing w/ her for the past 9 years here.
So, one point of disagreement in the past 9 years is a very good track record.
I too was upset w/ Kirby's column on McKenna Denson. As for Kirby's horrible behavior at Sunstone - If Sunstone can continue financially ( and I hope it does), Kirby should never be invited back. So disappointing. JMO -- Wndr.
I think I am at fault for this disagreement. And I don’t know if it is a disagreement so much as a different perspective. But anyway, I started the conversation BADLY. I was triggered and knew what the trigger was, but was confused because my feelings were kind of irrational. And I needed to sort my own feelings. I make a pretty good therapist for other people, but Like a surgeon, I don’t do such a good job on myself. Courtney’s situation just triggered the anger at myself for feeling so helpless and not knowing a better way to handle situations.
Wonderment is looking at it from the perspective of women do the best they can, the best they know, in these situations and it is vastly unfair to second guess them and say, “she should have...” And Wonderment is 100% right that it is vastly unfair to second guess Courtney. She was shell shocked and didn’t know what to do.
What I want isn’t to criticize somebody for not knowing ahead of time that a specific guy is a creep, and not knowing in the moment of shock how to stand up for herself. I have been in Courtney’s shoes and I froze. I have also had other times when I pushed back. The times I pushed back, I left the situation feeling better about myself.
So, having been there and done that, I want to analyze this situation, and any similar examples we can come up with. Analyze them not to say the victim was wrong, (we will assume they did the best they could) but to see if we can find empowering ways to respond to harassment.
This is what I mean when I say we women owe it to ourselves and each other to learn that we have a right to stand up, to push back, to be rude if necessary, to protect ourselves if possible. Granted it isn’t always possible. Granted what works in one situation might not in another. And there is risk.
But I know the studies done with rapists show that they select victims by observing and often talking to the woman. There are specific things they look for, and one is that the woman doesn’t stand up for herself in little ways. I suspect that harassers look for things too, as the woman on the train looked for men who looked new to the location, were unsure of where they were or where they were going, and they were her victims. She wanted to shock and horrify them.
Victimology. Why do perps pick the people they pick and how can we avoid being that person.