NOM

On Education:

We believe in getting as much education as possible. Preferably at one of the Churches Universitys. They are ordained of God, almost as holy as a temple. Other church educational programs such as Institute, Seminary, and other similar classes are also ordained. Secular schools are run by the adversary. To be avoided.

græy wrote: ↑Sat Sep 01, 2018 7:18 pm I have to share some sort of testimony to kick off the monthly humble-brag fest tomorrow at church. I have no idea what to talk about, and now all I want to say is quote Reuben's accurate aricles of faith. AAoF?

Please tell me you did. Also, I've been thinking of compiling them and wondering what to call it, and I really like AAoF.

I didn't realize how long FtSoY is when I started. Oh, well, I'm still having fun.

*****

Family

We believe that being part of a family headed by a man and a woman is a great blessing, yea, even greater than the blessing of being part of any other kind of family, especially one designed by Satan himself, even the Father of Counterfeits.

We believe that some counterfeit families are so virulent that allowing them to exist will destroy the world, which would tragically derail our plans for a hostile takeover.

We believe that to teach children correct principles, parents should withhold most of their love and acceptance until their children meet their expectations, because that is how Heavenly Father parents us. We do not see this parenting style as shame-inducing or controlling, because we have no other choice.

We believe that living in families helps us prepare for eternal life by teaching us how to interact with barbarians. We believe that activity in the Church helps us prepare for eternal life in the same way.

We believe many good things about living in families that Reuben can't find a way to make fun of.

We believe that families are so important to God's plan that it is usually best to keep dysfunctional and even abusive families together and pretend that everything is fine. We sometimes ignore dark impressions that this applies to the Church at all levels.

We believe in the sacred chain of command, namely child, mother, father, bishop, stake president, ???, and prophet. We believe that the probability they will lead us astray drops sharply with rank, that somewhere within "???" it drops to zero, and that we are blessed for obeying our superior officers regardless of whether they tell us to do wrong. We believe that in the end, God will right all wrongs, white all blacks, and true all falsehoods, because they all act in His name, and because of the atonement somehow.

We believe that (in case it was not clear from the previous statement) the family is subordinate to the Church as a subunit of the local ward or branch.

We believe in appearing egalitarian and inclusive by using the word "parents" instead of "father" and "mother," even though everyone knows how important it is to have priesthood in the home, and everyone who has been to the temple knows who God put the pants on.

We believe that when parents consistently hold family prayer, family scripture study, and family home evening, their children will not go astray. We believe that if their children do go astray, they must have skipped a few weeks, or at least did not subvert their children's natural curiosity with intense boredom cheerfully enough.

We believe in wholesome recreational activities, especially the bearing of testimonies. We believe that the family game of choice in the heterosexual, polygamous eternities is testimony bingo, where the objects of worship are one's own Heavenly Parents, and that this will not be weird.

We believe that faithful children of wayward parents can, through their righteous example, influence their parents to pay attention to their magic 8-balls of spiritual feelings, especially by getting married in the temple if their parents cannot attend because following the prophet brings blessings. We claim that conversion or reconversion is a typical outcome, on account of we know someone who did this and now they are all a happy forever family.

We believe in having strong relationships with our siblings because they are the only friends we will have left after we do everything possible to convert our peers so they will not blame us for having to do time in Mormon purgatory.

We believe in strengthening family relationships by supporting each other's interests as long as they are not inappropriate, and by enforcing the pleasing uniformity of thought and behavior that mirrors the order of heaven.

We believe that we have a duty to provide mortal tabernacles for God's children whether we want to or not, and whether we enjoy marital relations or not. Indeed we may elevate the divine sacrament of procreation to the highest spiritual plane so that we are justified in giving it absolute bounds and conditions, and thus never use crass words to describe it, such as "sex." Ew.

We believe in making the act of procreation into a spiritual experience to make it even weirder for youth than it already is, to let older single members write it off as missable, and to give gay kids something to look forward to.

We believe that the most important commitment anyone can make in life is to earn the right to have an eternal family, even though nobody knows what in the hell it actually means or why God would require us to be sealed by a dotty old stranger to have one.

Reuben wrote: ↑Sun Sep 02, 2018 3:05 pm I didn't realize how long FtSoY is when I started. Oh, well, I'm still having fun.

I'll keep reading as long as you keep writing them.

Reuben wrote: ↑Sun Sep 02, 2018 3:05 pmI didn't realize how long FtSoY is when I started. Oh, well, I'm still having fun.

It's four o'clock in the morning. Do you know where your beliefs are?

I've got them right here, laboriously extracted from For the Strength of Youth and made accurate.

*****

Friends

We believe that true friends help us live the gospel of Jesus Christ, which is Mormonism, and never ask us hurtful questions about racist theories taught by dead prophets speaking as men, about Joseph Smith marrying seven women's basketball teams, or about our underwear. We believe that only bishops and stake presidents should ask us about our underwear, and that it is disrespectful to talk about our prophets as if they were racist or predatory, because God commanded Brigham Young to act in a way that appears racist and Joseph Smith to dip into the junior leagues.

We believe in making living the gospel into a matter of pride because it is better to fight against judgmentalism, arrogance and shame than to be unworthy. Indeed we may say that remaining clean is easiest on top of a Rameumptom with true friends, far above the contaminating filth of the world.

We believe that it is wrong to judge others, because that is the job of men with rank bishop or higher, who have a sacred judging checklist and the power to bully evildoers.

We believe that bullying is always wrong unless it is done by the Church to help people repent.

We believe in helping people who are shy, lonely or do not feel included, especially if they are gay, to make up for Heavenly Father creating them gay and then telling his prophets to treat them as if they are ticking time bombs full of malaria. We do not see this as abusive, because by eternal law, polygamist heaven is heterosexual and has the same sacred class structure as the Church, so they belong in a lower caste.

We believe in making friends with people about whom our magic 8-balls of spiritual feelings at least say, "Signs point to yes."

We believe that the more Mormon we act, the more Mormon our true friends become, and the more our false friends listen to the Father of Counterfeits because our righteousness makes them so uncomfortable.

We believe that the friendliest thing we can do is convert our friends, and that true friends are only affected positively by this continual subtext.

We believe that Church meetings and activities can only strengthen our relationships with true friends, especially Fast and Testimony Meeting, which provides the best chance for them to feel the Spirit, and for us to show them that we are sincere and are not anything like a cult.

We believe that our truest friends are the ones who decide they want to be with us in polygamist, heterosexual heaven where our genitals will still function, and where they can join us in populating the multiverse with the pinnacle species of creation: Mormons.

We believe in not telling our true friends about any faith-destroying things that might lead them to not be converted, and to become false friends. We believe it is best to plant them deep in Mormonism first, if we tell them at all. We do not see this as manipulation, because it is what the Church does, so it is what God does; and everything God does is right.

We believe in befriending new converts and less active members for long enough to keep or get them active so they can become more Mormon like us.

We believe that friendship is all about the Church.

*****

Seriously, than last thing seems to be the big take-home message in the Friends section.

Reuben wrote: ↑Sat Sep 08, 2018 8:18 pm It's four o'clock in the morning. Do you know where your beliefs are?

I've got them right here, laboriously extracted from For the Strength of Youth and made accurate.

*****

Friends

We believe that true friends help us live the gospel of Jesus Christ, which is Mormonism, and never ask us hurtful questions about racist theories taught by dead prophets speaking as men, about Joseph Smith marrying seven women's basketball teams, or about our underwear. We believe that only bishops and stake presidents should ask us about our underwear, and that it is disrespectful to talk about our prophets as if they were racist or predatory, because God commanded Brigham Young to act in a way that appears racist and Joseph Smith to dip into the junior leagues.

We believe in making living the gospel into a matter of pride because it is better to fight against judgmentalism, arrogance and shame than to be unworthy. Indeed we may say that remaining clean is easiest on top of a Rameumptom with true friends, far above the contaminating filth of the world.

We believe that it is wrong to judge others, because that is the job of men with rank bishop or higher, who have a sacred judging checklist and the power to bully evildoers.

We believe that bullying is always wrong unless it is done by the Church to help people repent.

We believe in helping people who are shy, lonely or do not feel included, especially if they are gay, to make up for Heavenly Father creating them gay and then telling his prophets to treat them as if they are ticking time bombs full of malaria. We do not see this as abusive, because by eternal law, polygamist heaven is heterosexual and has the same sacred class structure as the Church, so they belong in a lower caste.

We believe in making friends with people about whom our magic 8-balls of spiritual feelings at least say, "Signs point to yes."

We believe that the more Mormon we act, the more Mormon our true friends become, and the more our false friends listen to the Father of Counterfeits because our righteousness makes them so uncomfortable.

We believe that the friendliest thing we can do is convert our friends, and that true friends are only affected positively by this continual subtext.

We believe that Church meetings and activities can only strengthen our relationships with true friends, especially Fast and Testimony Meeting, which provides the best chance for them to feel the Spirit, and for us to show them that we are sincere and are not anything like a cult.

We believe that our truest friends are the ones who decide they want to be with us in polygamist, heterosexual heaven where our genitals will still function, and where they can join us in populating the multiverse with the pinnacle species of creation: Mormons.

We believe in not telling our true friends about any faith-destroying things that might lead them to not be converted, and to become false friends. We believe it is best to plant them deep in Mormonism first, if we tell them at all. We do not see this as manipulation, because it is what the Church does, so it is what God does; and everything God does is right.

We believe in befriending new converts and less active members for long enough to keep or get them active so they can become more Mormon like us.

We believe that friendship is all about the Church.

*****

Seriously, than last thing seems to be the big take-home message in the Friends section.

Seriously, this would make a great Sacrament meeting talk.

Today, I rise as The Threadcromancer!

So... the recent Articles of Faith thread reminded me of this old thread. When I started picking up where I left off, extracting new and exciting creeds from For the Strength of Youth, I was reminded of why I stopped: the next two topics. Gratitude seemed hard to parody, and Honesty and Integrity was just triggering.

But now I guess I'm more jaded and indifferent, so here's a double feature!

****

Gratitude

We believe in being grateful in all things, for the Lord likes bubbly, happy people best.

We believe that if we cannot feel grateful, we should disfigure our faces by turning our frowns upside-down so we appear unto men to be grateful, and that our Father, who sees in secret, will reward us openly for our sacrifice.

We believe that appearing ungrateful, especially for the gospel, which by sacred equivalence means the Church, is a sure sign that someone is a dissenter, agitator or suppressive person, who in any case gives off dark vibes that disrupt our magic 8-balls of spiritual feelings.

We believe that approximately 57% of our thanks in prayer should be for gospel-related blessings, such as Church leaders, teachers, and occasionally Jesus. This should calibrate us to express the correct amount of criticism, which quickly approaches zero as the subject's rank approaches Godhood (e.g. the Prophet's).

We believe that in prayers, subjects of gratitude with exalted rank should be given the additional honorific title of "Even."

We believe that the song "We Thank Thee, O God, For a Prophet" is all about gratitude for the Prophet, no matter what its lyrics say.

We believe that supreme officers in the Church should demand gratitude regardless of their actions or outcomes. We cannot see this as abusive, because God does it.

We believe that one of the best ways to express gratitude is by keeping the commandments and serving others, which by sacred equivalence means being more Mormon.

Honesty and Integrity

We believe in the Three Laws of Honesty, which are as follows.

1. A Mormon must not tell a lie, or through inaction allow a lie to be told, except where such action or inaction conflicts with the Second Law.

2. A Mormon must not tell a truth, or through inaction allow a truth to be told, if the truth would besmirch the good name of the Lord's church or His representatives, except where such action or inaction conflicts with the Third Law.

3. There is no Third Law.

We believe that "besmirch" means "to make appear a smidge less than perfect," and that a smidge is smaller than any epsilon > 0.

We believe that calling our beliefs "sacred truths" makes them true, even when they're false.

We believe the sacred truth that there are five lights.

We believe in not cheating and not stealing, especially from the Church, which is equivalent to adultery.

We believe that it is not possible for the Church as a collective to be dishonest, least of all its leaders. If they ever tried, God would flip our magic 8-balls to "No" faster than he does when we listen to MSNBC News.

We believe that lying, cheating and stealing are wrong primarily because they make God choose to be offended. They can also harm others, we suppose.

We believe God will use the bishop's magic 8-ball to tell him whether you are lying, so don't even try to lie your way through the temple recommend interview, you filthy animal.

We believe in having integrity, which is defined as thinking and doing what is right at all times and letting the consequences follow, except where such thinking and doing conflicts with the Second Law.

If it appears to aid the Church, Lying for the Lord is desirable.

We believe that home centered church is inspired of God, so far as every member has been authorized to partake of the sacrament, been reminded through email they are authorized to partake of the sacrament, and asked through text message if they have partaken of the sacrament.

Red Ryder wrote: ↑Wed Apr 15, 2020 6:39 am We believe that home centered church is inspired of God, so far as every member has been authorized to partake of the sacrament, been reminded through email they are authorized to partake of the sacrament, and asked through text message if they have partaken of the sacrament.

Yes!

We believe that the sacrament must be taken regularly to inoculate us against spiritual disease because otherwise our spirits would stop producing sin antibodies, and that the emblems can be imbued with Jesus power only by the unrecorded sound waves produced by someone with the correct genitals.

We believe that President Russell M. Nelson was chosen to be the Prophet during this latter-day plague because he is a doctor. It does not occur to us to ask whether rejecting the foundations of microbiology could become a liability.

We believe that there will be miraculous Covid-19 healings, but only at rates below statistical significance. This will allow us to exercise the faith not to be healed, and also regale each other with uplifting tales about how the Three Nephites snuck into a Coronavirus ward in Spanish Fork.

I am now an official Reuben reading fan! FUN STUFF, KEEP it coming, we all need to laugh these days, and this is over the top delightful!

We believe that “Do Not Contact”, “Stay Home and Shelter In”, and all activities within the Home Centered Church program, translates to “Get Out and Proselytize through Ministering!

We believe that “Get out and minister” means to casually drop off a roll of toilet paper, a pan of cinnamon rolls, a birthday card, a plastic baggy of candy, or any other means to give occasion to stop by your house for a visit.

Apologeticsislying wrote: ↑Wed Apr 15, 2020 10:47 am I am now an official Reuben reading fan! FUN STUFF, KEEP it coming, we all need to laugh these days, and this is over the top delightful!

As you wish!

*****

Language

We believe that God has ordained certain words with a lot of fricative sounds for use by Satan, by those who follow him, and by Australians when someone is acting like a cunt. We believe in replacing these words with softer forms such as "dang," "heck" and "dork," which God has ordained for clean and wholesome speech, regardless of their etymology or intended meaning.

We believe in pointedly walking away to keep our black-and-white worldview unspotted by colorful anecdotes, to maintain our childlike arrocence, and to signal our tremendous virtue.

We believe that our religion exalts us above the world now as well as in the eternities, and therefore it is a sin to remind us that we are also animals that take dumps and bang each other.

We believe that Heavenly Father has not had a bowel movement since the day He was exalted with perfectly smooth glutes.

We believe our words should be full of faith, hope and charity, which Reuben can't really make fun of.

We believe in speaking kindly about others and not putting them down, unless their existence scares us. God will certainly judge them harshly, so to be like God, we should, too.

We believe that gossiping is a sin, and that this does not include the many instances in which Church leaders bullshitted in front of millions about the motives and behavior of black people, LGBT people, communists, apostates, coffee drinkers, working mothers, atheists, Baptists, and card players.

We believe that misusing the names of Deity is a sin, and that the hospital orderly in that story about President Kimball being wheeled into surgery switched forever to "gosh darn" after the Prophet's gentle rebuke. We have never considered more likely interpretations of "Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain" because our Primary-age interpretation is so easy to obey perfectly.

We believe that worldly language is dangerous enough for 7 paragraphs of guidance and a plea for repentance, in contrast with controlling and abusive behavior, which merits none. We do not believe that our priorities are
wack.

Reuben wrote: ↑Wed Apr 15, 2020 6:43 pm
We believe that Heavenly Father has not had a bowel movement since the day He was exalted with perfectly smooth glutes.

He just needs coffee. Works for me.

“hmb” wrote:

“Reuben” wrote: We believe that Heavenly Father has not had a bowel movement since the day He was exalted with perfectly smooth glutes.

He just needs coffee. Works for me.

Ewwww! TMI, TMI, TMI..

We believe that our religion exalts us above the world now as well as in the eternities, and therefore it is a sin to remind us that we are also animals that take dumps and bang each other.

dogbite wrote: ↑Tue Aug 14, 2018 10:52 am We believe that white shirts increase holiness and are the uniform of the priesthood.

We believe in pharisaical legalism in regards to sacrament prayers and other set ordinances. Because God is always looking for an out to not be bound by promises and covenants.

We believe contariwise to the above in that an ordinance performed unworthily is still valid because God isn't legalist all the time. And unworthiness is not such a big deal if it makes us look bad if we were to try to be conisistent about it.

Super late to the party but...

An ordinance is still valid when it is performed by someone that is "unworthy" is an apologetic to avoid dealing with the logistics associated with rebaptizing every single member of the church, alive or dead, when we find out that the person that performed the baptism was secretly looking at porn at the time.

Reuben,



We should be neighbors.

hmb wrote: ↑Thu Apr 16, 2020 6:11 am

Reuben wrote: ↑Wed Apr 15, 2020 6:43 pm
We believe that Heavenly Father has not had a bowel movement since the day He was exalted with perfectly smooth glutes.

He just needs coffee. Works for me.

My favorite mug of truth!

nibbler wrote: ↑Thu Apr 16, 2020 10:51 am Reuben,



We should be neighbors.

Heck, given what you do for a living, we should be teammates. Either would be awesome. How do you feel about living in England?

Reuben wrote: ↑Fri Apr 17, 2020 12:25 am How do you feel about living in England?

I'm okay living in the USA, so that's like asking, "How do you feel about eating a London broil?" after you've seen me wolf down three McDoubles.

Edit: Though I suppose the world is overrun with goofy haired goofs. Maybe it would be more like asking, "How do you feel about eating a Royale with cheese?"