Ever wished you would just cease to be?

[Gatorbait]

The dull ache of that hurt, after 3 1/2 years is very much there.

I'm so sorry for your sorrow, Gaitorbate. I sort of get it why people hang onto their religious belief, trying just to get through a few years, faithful enough to have a hope of seeing their loved one again. I for one would never try to take that hope from them. The loss seems unfathomable. The image that comes to my mind is in Peter Jackson's movie based on Tolkien's The Two Towers, where king Theoden stands next to the grave of his son, Theodred, weeping and lamenting that no parent should have to bury their child.

I don't know how anyone gets through it. I think the only thing that would keep me back from doing the obvious thing to ease my sorrow is the thought of how much my family who remain behind would suffer from my choice.

My thoughts and feelings are with you- if I were a believer I'd add prayers, but unfortunately I'm not. If I could express anything, it is the hope that you will continue to share your sorrow with your friends here at NOM.

Thank you for your kind words. Since my post some dear friends of mine who helped my wife and I though our daughter's suicide lost an adult son who took his life as well. No way to understand these young people doing this. I know, we all have our trials, but these two were both young, 30 and 40 years old respectively, with much of their lives ahead of them. Our daughter was childless, which I'm pretty sure added to her depression, but my friend's son left a loving wife and three young children. Much sadness ahead for us all.

[Meilingkie]

To be honest,way too often lately.
Mormonism sets men up to fail and sets them up to feel lost especially after a divorce or loss of a partner.

Men are expected to give, culturally and by our religion, to provide and to keep pushing the envelope.

So when suddenly you are "surplus to requirements", by your partner leaving you (amicably or acrimoniously does not matter here) you as a man are left with what "reason to be" ???
And it keeps doing a number on me.
Even though I have many loving friends, some flings and things. In the end 99 out of a 100 evenings I end up locking the door and go to sleep alone.
Never go on holidays together, not even after 3 years of on-off dating with my neighbor. For reasons on her side.
It often makes me feel emotionally exhausted and empty. Like being "surplus to requirements".

Sometimes I indeed think, if I could just disappear or get something to extinguish the light in a very clean and legally simple way....

[alas]

I have been suicidal too, and what stopped me was that it would harm my children. I had a nephew who committed suicide, and it is still hard on his parents. My brother just holds it all inside because he feels he has to be strong for his wife, and she just isn’t the same.

As to what comes after, I just cannot comprehend a God who would punish someone who takes their own life. God, if he/she/it is any kind of God at all has to understand being in so much pain that you want the pain to end any way at all that the pain will end.

And Gatorbait, I am afraid it will be much longer before that kind of pain ends and I feel for you. My brother’s family still isn’t over it and it has been much longer, over ten years now. I had a friend whose son committed suicide, and he talked with me about it, but not for a good seven or eight years after. So, the fact that you are still processing this means you are healing, and the fact that you can now start talking about it is good. Talking is therapeutic. Good luck and I will be thinking healing thoughts to you.

[2bizE]

I have only wished the church would just cease to exist.